A QUOTABLE YEAR

According to Fred R. Shapiro, the editor of the Yale Book of Quotations, these are some of the most memorable quotes of 2007:

Lauren Upton, the South Carolina contestant in the Miss Teen USA pageant, gave this long, rambling, cracked-out answer when asked why one-fifth of Americans are unable to locate the United States on a map:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us."

Jesus, even I'm more coherent when I'm stoned, and that's saying something. Of course, in Miss Teen USA's case it's probably not the chronic--just sheer stupidity. After all, her generation is to blame for making Britney Spears a star. I weep for the future.

Here's a gem from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's October speech at Columbia University: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country."

Right, dude. There are no homosexuals in Iran, and your women are perfectly happy forsaking their civil rights and veiling themselves from head to toe in the suffocating desert heat. Tell me another one, asshole.

Of course, there's the one from "shock jock" Don Imus about the "nappy-headed hos" of the Rutgers women's basketball team, which I'm not bothering to even type because it's so damn stupid. Also "shock jock"? WTF? People still use that term? That's so eighties. What's shocking about Don Imus? His fucked up hair? His wrinkled, acne scarred face? Gross, but not shocking.

"I don't recall." -- Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' repeated response to questioning at a congressional hearing about the firing of U.S. attorneys.

Subtext: "I got caught, and I'm counting Bush to get me out of this mess before I shit myself in terror. Also, it's not my fault."

"There's only three things he (Republican presidential candidate and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani) mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11." -- Sen. Joseph Biden, speaking at a Democratic presidential debate.

Heh. That one is pretty awesome. Reminds me of that South Park episode with the country singer (Toby Keith?) singing a song comprised entirely of the words "9/11".

"I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody (Vice President Dick Cheney) who has a 9 percent approval rating." -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat.

Word!

"(I have) a wide stance when going to the bathroom." -- Idaho Republican Sen. Larry Craig's explanation of why his foot touched that of an undercover policeman in a men's room.

A wide stance? WTF? Doesn't he realize that makes him sound even MORE gay? Come out of the closet already, Lare.

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." -- Biden describing rival Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

While I agree with Biden on Guiliani, he's painted himself in a corner on this one. The "first mainstream African American?" C'mon, everyone knows he wasn't the first. Philip Michael Thomas was.

"I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history." -- Former President Jimmy Carter in an interview in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette newspaper.

Well said, Jimmy.

And I just have to add a quote on my own here. This gem was vomited up by Whoopi Goldberg on The View. Goldberg had the gall to defend Michael Vick, that piece of shit football player from that who-gives-a-shit football team recently given a little tap on the wrist (only 24 months in jail, probably at a minimum security facility), for dogfighting. In doing so, she managed to insult African Americans, everyone in the south, and any decent person in possession of half a brain.

"You know from (Vick's) background this is not an unusual thing for where he comes from," said Goldberg. "There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of our country."

Co-host Joy Behar seemed shocked at Goldberg's statements. "How about dog torture and dog murdering," Behar asked.

"Unfortunately it's part of the thing," Goldberg replied.

Behar continued to shake her head in disgust.

Goldberg said it seemed to her that it took a while for Vick to realize that the charges against him were serious. "It seemed like a light went off in his head when he realized that this was something the entire country really didn't appreciated (sic), didn't like," Goldberg said, referring to Vick's guilty plea.

Goldberg pointed out that Vick was raised in the South. "This is part of his cultural upbringing...this is a kid who comes from a culture when this is not questioned."

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT. I have relatives all over the damn south, and none of them participate in dogfights. And it is sure as hell not a fucking African American thing, as she insinuates. Dogfighting is an abominable, assholish thing that only subhuman dickheads like Michael Vick do. Eat me, Whoopi Goldberg. Defending this putrid excuse for a human being is not okay. So, "a light went off in his head" when he realized that people "really didn't appreciate" him torturing and killing dogs (let alone his participation and facilitation of a barbaric and illegal "sport")? Great. A light went off in his head when he got caught. What an intelligent and sensitive person. Brings a tear to my eye, in fact.

Michael Vick should be rubbed up with raw meat and fed to a pack of rabid dogs. That is the only acceptable punishment. THAT would bring a tear to my eye.

A tear of fucking joy.