Friday, March 23, 2012


When I get mad

And I get pissed
I grab my pen
And write out a list
Of all you assholes
Who won't be missed.....
You've made my shitlist

I've been sitting on this for a whole year now, and I've decided to put it all out there in writing. Here goes.

My ex-best friend is a shitbag. For many of you, this is not new information; I've been very forthcoming about what she did to me and have informed a lot of our mutual friends (even showing them some of her emails--see below). For those of you I've yet not told, buckle up. This one's a doozy.

I've known this person for over twenty years. I went to high school with her, and we'd remained (I thought) very good friends ever since. Then last April, I found out she was talking shit about me to John (my boyfriend) on whom she had been "practicing massage."

Before I go on, I'm going to pause to give her a fake name. Being that this person is dapocaginous--a cool word that I found which means cruel and heartless--I'm going to call her "Dapocagina," a word created by moi, inspired by dapocaginous and (obviously) by the word "vagina", the clinical version of a term John and I call this person when she happens to come up in conversation.

But back to our story. John, myself, Dapocagina, and her husband (let's call him "Eunuch"), had been hanging out quite a bit during the summer of 2010, doing double-datey couple-y stuff together--movies, ice cream, cookouts, etc. It was around this time that Eunuch sent John a Facebook message asking if he would be willing to act as a "practice dummy" for Dapocagina, as she was going to massage school and wanted to try out techniques she was working on as homework for class. John was a bit skeptical and he thought it rather strange that Dapocagina and Eunuch would send him a Facebook message instead of simply asking him in person. I also was a bit puzzled that Dapocagina had asked John (and not me) to be a "practice dummy," as I lived in her neighborhood (John did not), I saw her more frequently than John did, and I was--I thought--her best friend. But, whatever. John asked me if I had a problem with him seeing Dapocagina for practice massages. I thought about it a minute, then shrugged and said "Nah, go ahead." NOTE: John told me later that he was secretly hoping I wouldn't be kosher with it; he wasn't too jazzed about Dapocagina putting her paws on him in any sort of capacity. He agreed because he felt pressured by both Eunuch and Dapocagina.)

So Dapocagina started seeing John twice a week for "practice massages". That wasn't all that was happening; as I later found out, while Dapocagina was laying her greasy mitts all over my boyfriend she was also talking smack about me, telling John that I wasn't good enough for him, and that--among other things--I was sketchy, I was slutty, I'd basically sleep with anyone and everyone, and that I had once even hit on Dapocagina herself. (While I acknowledge that I'm a recovering drunk, I know for a FACT that I've never been blasted enough to try to get with Dapocagina. Hell, her husband Eunuch was my roommate for two years, and I never once even thought of sleeping with him, and he's arguably ten times better looking than Dapocagina. But I digress...).

So....yeah. My "best friend" turned out to be a psychobitch who gleefully badmouthed me to my boyfriend, and not only during these "massage sessions." She also called, texted, and emailed John to reiterate what a horrible person she thought I was, and how she just hated to see a fine man like him wasting his time with trollop like me. She tried and tried to convince John to break up with me, and at one point even told him "Don't worry, if you and Andie break up, (Eunuch) and I would still be your friend." GEE THANKS! That's mighty Christian of ya, little lady!

Dapocagina's attacks on me kept escalating, but John was afraid of rocking the boat--thinking that if he told me the nasty things D. was saying about me, it would make him look like the bad boyfriend attempting to get between two longtime friends. He also said that he felt protective of me; after all, I was blissfully ignorant of the shit-talking Dapocagina was doing, and initially he didn't have the heart to break the news that she wasn't really a friend. Although I was upset that he DIDN'T tell me right away, in hindsight I understand his position--Dapocagina put him right in the middle of things, and it was a pretty fucked up place to be. I doubt that I would have known how to handle that situation if I'd been in his shoes.

Finally, John could take no more and he broke down and forwarded me a spate of Dapocagina's emails. I was flabbergasted, of course, and I told John as much. He just sighed and said, "Oh babe, believe me. This is just the tip of the iceberg." Then he sent me the rest of her emails and texts. It's hard to describe how I felt upon reading it all. First I felt sick to my stomach, then I cried, then I raged, then I laughed, then I felt sick again. There were literally pages of this vitriol--nasty, wretched stuff that no one should ever have to read about themselves--especially from someone whom they considered a friend.

Below is just one of her hateful missives. I chose this particular one because it's one of the "lighter" ones, and I find the last sentence of it humorous in a sick sort of way.

At any rate, it's pretty special:

(Andie) hasn't changed one bit since high school and I'm frustrated that I continue to have a relationship with someone who stands for all the things I don't. I told her I found a guy on facebook that I used to date in high school and the first thing she texted me was "Ahhh, awesome, is he married?"She kills me with her rampant hormones and her lack of fidelity is mind numbing. I wish you the best in all your endeavors, save the relationship you hold onto with a woman who is more likely to scream out her own name in a fit of passion than yours.
Be well my friend.
Just for snark value, I'm going line by line on this one:
(Andie) hasn't changed one bit since high school and I'm frustrated that I continue to have a relationship with someone who stands for all the things I don't.

Well, you've certainly changed a lot since high school Dapocagina! Although you did have your bitchy, back-stabby moments even way back when, I remember you as a fairly decent person overall. I think age has soured you quite substantially. And speaking of age, how is it that you're a year younger than me but you look several years older?

And....awwww, you're feeling bit conflicted for remaining friends with me? What a conundrum! Hmmmm, what would Jesus do? Would He pretend to be friends with me on a superficial level in order to have access to my boyfriend so that He could act like a colossal prick and plant doubts in his head about me? I'm no biblical scholar, but I'm thinking no, He would not. But you obviously would (and you did)! Also, I've never attempted to break up a friend's relationship by going behind her back and saying vile things about her to her boyfriend. So, you're right about that, I "stand for" things that you obviously don't. And yet I come out of this one looking morally superior to YOU! Explain that one, Mother Teresa!

I told her I found a guy on facebook that I used to date in high school and the first thing she texted me was "Ahhh, awesome, is he married?"

I'm not sure what she was aiming for here. Was she trying to imply that I was inquiring about her old boyfriend's marital status so that I might track him down and have sex with him? In any case, the answer is no, I wasn't. Perhaps she wouldn't have misread my question if I had said what I was actually thinking at the time: "Oh really? Did he ever come out of the closet?"

She kills me with her rampant hormones and her lack of fidelity is mind numbing.

Rampant hormones!?! Wow! I'd better go to a doctor and get my rampant hormones checked out, pronto! Also, my lack of fidelity? Well, what do you expect? I'm up to my ears in rampant hormones, for Christ's sake!

I wish you the best in all your endeavors, (oh, do you now? Well, your magnanimity knows no bounds! You really are a true Christian!) the relationship you hold onto with a woman who is more likely to scream out her own name in a fit of passion than yours.

Does anyone else find it a bit creepy that she's imagining me having sex? That's pretty weird, isn't it? I mean, I've certainly never attempted to call up a mental image of her engaging in carnal abandon, and I wouldn't....unless I had to induce vomiting for some reason.

After going through all the emails (and successfully fighting the urge to march over to Dapocagina's house and put my high-heeled boot so far up her ass she wouldn't have even enjoyed it), I sent a simple text telling her that I'd read all of her emails and that, basically, the jig was up.

She sent me a short text back: "That's fine. I understand."

And that was that. I never spoke to her again.

A few weeks after this all blew up, Dapocagina and Eunuch got wind (through reading my Twitter feed) that John and I were talking marriage. John received this text from Eunuch:

You made a decision that I don't think that either D or I would make. We've had nothing but radio silence from Andie...which may not be a bad thing.

(Get used to radio silence, asswipe. Also? You're a castrated, clueless, arrogant douchebag.)

Meanwhile, John received this lovely missive from Dapocagina:

Congrats on the upcoming wedding. You'll have to keep me posted on the details. I think Andie is too angry to give me any information but I'd still like to support you both as you move forward. It is a beautiful thing when you find someone to love for a lifetime.

I know, right?

Before I close, I have to say that I really don't know what the fuck happened with Dapocagina. I know she is mentally unwell, I know she has issues. But I'm at a loss to explain why she did something so shitty to me.

Other people, however, have a few guesses:

B. said...."Sounds like some hardcore jealousy."

S. said.... "Well, John is a handsome man. Perhaps she was harboring feelings for him?"

J. said.... "I can't believe that little shit!"

K. said.... "You know, you've just got to remember that (Dapocagina) is a very miserable person."

M. said.... "Holy shit, that's fucking creepy!"

My aunt said.... "Borderline personality. No doubt."

My mom said.... "(Dapocagina) is seriously unstable. And I never got a thank you card from her for the check I gave her as a wedding present." (That's a hanging offense in my mom's book.)
I don't know how to wrap up this post; I never really got closure on the whole situation (Dapocagina STILL periodically emails John, although she and I haven't spoken, and will never speak again).

I will say this: everyone I've told about this whole ordeal has been really supportive and kind. I'm thankful to that I really do have some truly awesome friends.

And Dapocagina is NOT one of them.


Ms Sparrow said...

I've had friends who inexplicably and suddenly were no longer friends, but never so cruelly! Why would those two so savagely attack you in such an underhanded way? Good people would never do that! As a token of my contempt, I have thrown Eunuch's book in the garbage--something I have never, ever done before!
(Come to think of it, I never got a wedding gift thank you from them either!)

andiepants said...

Yeah, John and I have basically accepted that we'll never understand what's wrong with them. At this point, we really couldn't give a smooth fart. We just know that they suck.

I couldn't bring myself to throw away Eunuch's book, but I did donate it to Half-Price books (they wouldn't buy it). Probably did him a favor.

Anonymous said...

Yikes!!! That email is FOUL!!! What a sanctimonious, self-aggrandizing psycho. How the hell is this twit married? I don't envy her husband, although he sounds rather cuntish himself.

TheTexican said...

I'd like to posit that a person doesn't necessarily have to be disturbed to do what your ex-friend did. Some people are just assholes, plain and simple. Some assholes are crazy, and some crazy people are assholes, but they are not one and the same.

I guess my point is that the terms "psycho" and "crazy" are thrown around way too easily. Maybe it's human nature to try to figure out why a person would do something horrendous like this i.e. "oh he/she must be unbalanced to do something so mean" but some people really ARE awful without being crazy.

Is your ex-friend crazy? I don't know. But she is definitely an asshole.

Anonymous said...

Posting anonymously because I know this girl and she is just as bad in person. I used to see her socially but luckily I haven't had to deal with her in a long time. She's one of those annoying people who puts on superior airs when it's clear she doesn't have the brains, beauty, or charisma to back it up. Newsflash--acting superior doesn't make you superior it just makes you look like an ASS. Her husband is the same way to a lesser extent. I think they both deserve each other.

I've been meaning to trim my Facebook friends list and I think I know where I'll start.

Anonymous said...

Fuck them all with a big steel stick. Long live andiepants.

ecks factor said...

Depovagina's stupid husband wont do her because shes an ugly hoe and she looks like a potato that grew legs. Now she wants to massage people for a living. SHe'll have to pay her clients to let her touch them, so how is that going to work?

Anonymous said...

Give her a break she has to make money somehow. Eunuch's vaginoplasty isn't going to pay for itself.

andiepants said...

Okay, that was funny. I snort-laughed. I admit it.

Anonymous said...

oh honey you don't know. I dug up some shit on your exfriend using her real name and she got skeletons in her closet for real. I find all these legal notices saying her OT lisence been revoked in Californa and Minnesota for lying, falsafying records, you name it. She need to remember that saying about people in glass houses shouldn't be throwin =stones cause dayum, she has no room to act all high and mighty about anything. just a heads up because I thought you should know what kind of nastyass liar she is.

andiepants said...

Wow, really? That certainly adds a new wrinkle. I almost feel pity for her but then again...nope. Can't really muster up anything but contempt.

I really don't want to give this person any more energy at this point. My feelings are still the same: goodbye and good riddance. Thanks for your investigative work anyway (this is T--- right?).

Anonymous said...

lol Yeah its me, i just didnt feel like signing in.