GONNA PUT IT IN THE WANT ADS!
Hot damn, I dig this song. It really "slaps," as the young people say.
Recently I was paging through a couple Rolling Stone issues I held on to from the early nineties. One of them is the July 11, 1991 edition featuring Rod Stewart and Rachel Hunter on the cover (incidentally, I had this cover pinned to my dorm room bulletin board my senior year of high school, alongside a Mickey Rourke calendar--hey, it was 1991).
I loathe all the beiges and greys and muted tones of today.
The other RS issue I saved from that era is the one with Beavis and Butthead on the cover, dated August 19, 1993, my 20th birthday, thankyouverymuch.
Yes, I kept this one, too. What can I say? My sense of humor is very refined.
I love vintage Rolling Stone. The interviews, the political commentary, the endless Joe Camel cigarette ads....but my favorite section just might be the classifieds. Man, you could find the goofiest, most random shit in the back of magazines during the pre-internet days.
Without further ado, here are some of my favorite classified ads compiled from the two issues above.
Putting the "ASS" in Classified! I love that "Lusty audio tales of Good, Clean SIN"
is listed along with that KNOW GOD PERSONALLY ad.
Come to think of it, $3.99 seems like quite a bargain
for a book that promises to "change your life forever."
More bang for your buck than Dianetics, anyway.
Not sure what the hell ECKANKAR is, but at least their brochure is free.
That's more than you can say for HOT LIVE GIRLS and HOT GAY TALK.
How much do I love that an ad touting "Unfulfilled fantasies explored"
is listed under the SELF IMPROVEMENT banner? Well, a lot.
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES! Is it me, or does that address painting turnkey business
up there sound almost legit? More so than starting your own travel agency at home.
That one's gotta be a scam.
I'm thinking that you'd have to be pretty bored to call the DIAL-AN-INSULT line.
Like, so bored you're practically dead.
Of course, it's the PICKING UP GIRLS ad that stands out here.
"Video with attractive girls revealing secrets and showing you what works!"
"Why should some guys get all the girls!"
(I am 100% sure 'Cybernetics' is a legitimate business and the girl-getting techniques
advertised on the video are completely and totally effective.
Too bad the errant exclamation point ruins its credibility.)
This MISCELLANY section is, like, really miscellaneous.
Relationship tips, a Grateful Dead hotline (in Crystal Bay, Nevada! Hey, I've been there!),
a gay dating service, Radio Caroline tapes,
and WICCAN WISDOM, STRENGTH AND POWER
from "Gavin & Yvonne."
There it is, that VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS sticker!
I ordered one of those and stuck it on the bumper
of my 1988 Toyota Corolla back in the day.
Most people who noticed it found the sentiment hilarious,
but some folks totally didn't get it.
One lady followed me into a Kroger in Carmel to ask me what it meant.
I tried to explain the joke....really though, how the hell do you explain it
to someone who doesn't get the "whirled peas" pun in the first place?
I think I just confused her even more.
So much to say about this one. First of all, SHIRT NOT CENSORED!
But if "FUCK" is too risque, you can order the also available,
PG-rated "SHUT THE HELL UP" version. But why would you?
Don't half-ass it, dude. The design is in 3-D....whatever that meant
in the early nineties....so you might as well go balls-to-the-wall, F-bombs away!
Also it comes in NEON, because of course it does!
Oooh! Here are some even shoddier T-shirt designs!
BART KILLED KENNEDY (?) and DO THE NASTY.
Also, BEER IS FOOD--BUSH SUCKS--WHO CARES--SHUT UP.
Hey, do you think The Underground T-Shirt Factory is still in business?
'Cause I'm ready to order!
Okay....I really have no idea.
I heart explosions? And, uh, waves?
And SEX. Well, at least that one is clear.
I appreciate the anti-Rush Limbaugh sentiment, but what the hell is that drawing?
Is Rush sucking on a lawn dart? Taking a giant hit off a weirdly shaped bong?
So many questions.
But the "This is your cat on crack" shirt? I'd legit wear that.
It's completely bizarre and no one would get the joke today, but I don't care.
It's brilliant in its randomness and I must have it.