Tsk. And to think, I was once a (casual) fan of Russell Brand. 

 

I'll admit it, I even used to fancy the bloke. I thought he was sexy and funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and I found him witty and intelligent in interviews. Then in the late aughts, something dire happened: I saw those uncensored naked photos of him getting arrested in Picadilly Circus. Suffice it to say, my crush on him did not survive seeing those images. ("Hashtag iykyk," as the kids say.) Even so, I still saw Get Him To the Greek when it was in theaters in 2010. I recall it being funny, but apparently not funny enough to make any sort of lasting impression, since all I remember about it now is that Mad Men-era Elisabeth Moss had a significant role. 

Yep, there she is, and that's all I remember about GHTTG.

I definitely stopped following Brand by the time he did that Arthur remake, which I most certainly did NOT see, because why the hell would anyone remake Arthur? Dudley Moore is the only Arthur, and Liza Minelli is the only Linda, and that film belongs in 1981 where it can remain wonderfully endearing and forever perfect. Don't fuck with it.

The next thing I knew, it was 2020 and Russell Brand was suddenly an anti-vaxxer with a podcast promoting QAnon talking points and Trumpian rhetoric, and I was pretty damn disappointed in him. I mean, when I was a fan back in the aughts he seemed so punk and irreverent, the furthest thing from the rightwing lapdog he's reportedly morphing into. And it's not so much that he's done this 180, it's more the realization that he was just a big fucking phony all along. The fact that he's also recently "found Jesus" and embraced Christianity is pretty suspect too, and yet very fucking predictable, considering that he got Me-Too'd last year with some serious rape allegations. What a perfect time to get religion! Just blame woke feminism for your legal woes, praise the Lord, and bro out with Tucker Carlson and the other psychopaths.

If ever you find yourself onstage praying next to Tucker Carlson, 

you may want to question the life choices that led you there.

The one positive spin I can put on this is that now that he's gone to the dark side, there is absolutely no going back for him. If he wants to act again, he has to settle for starring in terrible "anti-woke" fare alongside Z-listers like Kevin Sorbo and the Quaid brothers. Also, he better be able to afford good security detail for the rest of his existence, because otherwise he will be getting up close and personal with his new MAGA admirers on a daily basis. Hey Russell, shopping for pumpkins at the farmer's market? Here comes a smelly adult in an American flag shirt who wants to talk to you about LGBT "groomers." Taking your kids to school? Hi, this paranoid schizophrenic would like to discuss how to stop the Deep State using Jewish space lazers to mine rare tellurium oxysalt minerals in South Africa so Pat Sajak can prevent Chelsea Clinton from giving birth to the next Antichrist on Columbus Day, 2026. 

So yeah, have fun with all that, ya twat!

What did I learn from the uncensored version of this photo? 

That Katy Perry is definitely NOT a size queen.