Monday, March 27, 2006

I promise to start doing better than once a month posts. Til then, here is a women's sex survey I found online that I wanted to fill out, just for kicks. (No, not those kind of kicks, perv!)

PREFERENCES
Hair Color: Brown or Blond
Eyes: the better to see me with
(Their)Music Genre Preference: compatible with mine.
Height(estimate): negotiable
Age: 25 and up
Personality Type: perverted

THIS OR THAT
Older or Younger: I'm starting to get off on younger ones...
Romantic or Horndog: why can't I have both?
Smart or Stupid: smart
Fat or Skinny: skinny
Skinny but Muscular or Big and Muscular: skinny and muscular
Punk or Preppy: a little of both
The Big Picture or the Little Things: I want the best of both worlds
Flowers/Candy or Big Expensive Present: uh...
Mixtape or Burned CD: CD
Love or Lust: BOTH!
Emotional or Just Not: Emotional
Sincere or Jokester: both
Hott and mean or Ugly and sweet: what?
Sexy or Just Cute: sexy
Arse or Abs: arse!
Hair or Hands: hair
Dimples or Eyes: eyes
Biceps or Calves/Thighs: calves, thighs, yum!
Teeth or Nose: Um, well, I prefer him to have both teeth and a nose. (WTF?)
Clean Shaven or Scruffy: what area of the body?
Rugged or Prim and Proper: proper but not prim!
Countryboy or Cityboy: city boy
Date alone or With Friends: depends on the friends...
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause: both

HAVE YOU EVER...
Dumped a guy because he liked you too much: yes
Loved a guy because he stalked you: what????
Loved a guy because he hated you: NO!
Asked your friend's crush out: no.
Lead a guy on for kicks: when I was 16 and immature
Flirted with guys even though you had a boyfriend: yes
Lied about not having a boyfriend: maybe...
Lied about having one: no
Cheated: I plead the 5th
Been Cheated on: yes
Had a crush on a gay guy: I made out with a gay guy!

THEIR CLOTHING
Boxers?: naked
Briefs?: see above
Hat?: long as it's not a trucker hat
Skater Shoes?: what?
Pimp Shoes?: who?
Band Shirts?: depends on the band
Vintage shirts?: YES!
Southpole/um..other thug clothes..?: does not compute
Dixie Outfitters/Big Johnsons?: huh?
Independent/DC?: haven't the faintest
S&M/Little Devil?: don't know
Fox/Thor?: no idea
Jeans or Shorts?: jeans

BE HONEST
Would you ever date a guy for his money?: how much we talkin'?
Would you ever date a guy for his social status?: huh?
Have you ever liked hanging out with your bf's friends more than him?: no
Have you ever pretended to like somebody to make them feel better? oh, a mercy fuck? (*cough*) no idea what you're talking about.
Have you called a girl a whore, when you were screwing lots of guys?: no
Do looks matter?: a bit.
Are you honestly scared of being dumped?: No, cause "paranoia will destroy ya..."
Does size matter?: yes. :-)
Do you avoid 'situations' with ugly guys?: sometimes
Are you ashamed to be seen with your ugly friends?: who wrote this crap?
Are you ashamed for being ashamed?: I've nothing to be ashamed of!
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy friends/bf?: I'm learning not to.... ;-)
Do you lie about masturbation for attention or false innocence?: I used to.
Do you really want a guy to say if those jeans make your butt look fat?: nope, and I never ask.
Are you disappointed when your bf doesn't say I love you right away?: ouch!
Wanna be a virgin till marriage? obviously not applicable
Do you really love the guys everytime that you say it? yes
Do you dream about your crushes/bfs/guy friends?: yes!
Would you make out with a guy friend just to get it over with/curiosity?: no!
Does this survey suck nuts? Kinda, yeah.

NOTE: I realized halfway through that this cannot possibly be a real sex survey and is intended for teens or something. I was going to delete it but since I went ahead and filled it out I'll just leave it. Oh well, I tried.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Obviously, I haven't updated in a while. This is not for lack of interest or lack of stuff to write about; it's mostly due to the fact that I've set a March 31st deadline for finishing The Book (and I'm sticking to it, dammit, even if it kills me). So as a consequence, this will not be the most intellectual post. My brain has turned to jelly.

I've been making all these lists in my head. It's fun. I like doing that---I think it's a compulsive thing. Here are some that I composed recently. The first one involves Duran Duran. Shocking, I know. I can't help it though. I love these men. I love their music. I love their hair. I love their clothes. I love...um, hold it--what in God's name is Nick wearing in this photo? Is it a caftan? A tunic? A muu muu? Damn.

Andie's Top 5 Favorite Duran Duran Videos

Rio Awwww, they're so young in this! So pretty and witty and adorably glam....I just wanted to eat them up! Yes, I really did.
New Moon on Monday "Shake up the picture, the lizard mixture with your dance on the eventide." Some of the most awesome lyrics ever written. Also, Simon is teh sex.
Careless Memories A bouquet of tulips hurled against the wall = weird Freudian metaphor? That being said, I totally feel for the chick in this video. Having to choose between Simon and John? That's rough. I should know, I've been grappling with that dilemma since I was twelve years old.
Lonely In Your Nightmare Dude--John is so hot, it's criminal. Andy is also a cutie in this video (the little that we see of him, anyway. Damn the director...)
The Wild Boys They're in bondage, y'all. John is lashed to the hood of a sports car, Simon is strapped to the windmill torture thingamajig, and Andy is fighting off a naked girl in body paint with his gee-tar. Welcome to my formative years.

Top 5 Songs That Make Me Feel Like a Bad Ass

One Way or Another -- Blondie

I Did It -- Dave Matthews Band

This Boy -- Franz Ferdinand

Dancing With Myself -- Billy Idol (heh, heh, smell the masturbatory overtones in that one?)

Andy, You're A Star -- The Killers (okay, I'm vain. Sue me.)

Top 5 Favorite Songs To Sing At Kareoke

Do You Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart

You May Be Right by Billy Joel (note: this one only works well when you're extremely liquored, like at least twice the normal amount for a kareoke bar).

The Tide Is High by Blondie

Positively 4th Street by Bob Dylan (good song for exorcising demons)

Nasty by Janet Jackson (remember my advice for being well liquored for the Billy Joel song? Double that amount before attempting this one. Seriously.)

Top 20 Songs that I listen to a lot,
(according to the "most played" list on my iTunes)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Here we go, another thing I've stolen from Hotmail/MSN's thoroughly helpful and not at all condescending life-changing tips for you, for me, for all of us, so that we may improve our standing in society and be good citizens and bleh.

Anyway, without further ado...

10 Attitudes of Successful Workers

NOTE FROM ANDIE: See my comments in italics.

By Kate Lorenz, CareerBuilder.com Editor

Why do some people seem to reach the top of the corporate ladder easily, while others remain stuck on the middle-management rung? You might think that it is just because those people have more of what it takes to succeed, like brains, talent and powerful people in their corner, and a nice set of calloused knees, which makes it easier to deliver a good old-fashioned ass-kissin'! But there is something else that is just as important: attitude. And a nice set of lips. You know, for butt-kissin'!

Dr. Martin Seligman, an authority on optimism, discovered that attitude was a better predictor of success than I.Q., education and most other factors. He found that positive people stay healthier, have better relationships and go further in their careers. And he even found that positive people make more money. Translation: When you're shoveling shit at your corporate McJob, make sure to keep a smile on your face.

Anyone can adopt the right attitude. No matter where you are from or how much innate talent you have, the right attitude can make a difference in your career. Try adopting these 10 attitudes of successful workers or just learn how to give a good blow job. That works just as well:

1. I am in charge of my destiny.
If you spend your entire career waiting for something exciting to come to you, you will be waiting a long time. Successful professionals go out and make good things happen or they marry into the right family. So commit yourself to thinking about your career in an entirely different way. You will make it to the top, and you are in charge of making it happen.

2. Anything is possible.
Think that there is no way you will ever be at the vice-president level? Then you definitely won't. Remember: If you think you can't, you probably won't. Adopt the attitude of The Little Engine That Could -- "I think I can." Or just blow your boss.

3. No task is too small to do well.
You never know when you are going to be noticed. That is one reason to take pride in your work -- all of it. One public relations executive in Chicago said that her first task in the PR department of a ballet company was reorganizing the supply closet. She tackled the project with gusto and was immediately noticed for her hard work and attention to detail. Remember this the next time you feel like slacking because you are working on a menial task like replacing the urinal cakes.

4. Everyone is a potential key contact.
While you do need to be aggressive in the workplace, you can also go far by being nice to those around you. Do you think it's unimportant to establish a good rapport with your boss's secretary? Well, just try getting your meeting squeezed onto the schedule when you really need it. Be courteous to those around you-- you never know when your past contacts will play a role in your future. And if all else fails, there's always blackmail.

5. I was made to do this job... and the one above me.
If you spend your days feeling like you are not cut out to do the work you are responsible for, your performance will suffer. Your job may not be the perfect fit, but successful workers act like they are in their dream job, no matter where they are. So shut up and work for that $5.75 an hour, dammit!

6. It's not just what I know, but who I blow.
Successful workers understand the importance of fulfilling the boss's sexual desires, both in and out of the office. You need to proactively establish professional contacts and invest in some sturdy knee pads. Invite a colleague out to lunch. Go to the after-work happy hour. Join your professional association. Or just offer the boss a hummer. Do your part to establish a networking path for your future.

7. What else can I do?
Since you are in charge of your destiny, it's your job to look for ways to improve your professional self. Volunteer to take on an extra project. Learn a new skill that will make you more marketable. Stay late to help your co-workers. Successful workers don't just complete the job and sign out -- they look for additional ways to make their mark or die trying.

8. Failure will help pave the way to my success.
While it seems like some people never experience setbacks, the truth is everyone fails from time to time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is how they deal with failure and what kind of dirt they have on their superiors. Those who find success are the ones who learn from mistakes and move on.

9. I am my own biggest fan.
Have you been waiting for someone in the office to recognize your talents and efforts? Maybe it's time you start tooting your own horn. Step up and talk about your accomplishments and what you have done for the company. Successful workers know how to point out their achievements without sounding boastful. And while you're at it, give yourself a hand job.

10. My opportunity monitor is never turned off.
Yes, there will be days when you will want to just be happy with the status quo. But remember that successful workers are always on the lookout for opportunities to improve. Keep your eyes, ears and your mouth open to new opportunities -- you never know when you will discover the one that will change the course of your career! In conclusion, bite me.

Sorry for that last one, folks. I'm drunk and it's late.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Where's the Love?

The above link is from The Superficial, my new favorite website because it cracks me up. If you don't feel like clicking on it, here's the gist of the report: Basically, Jude Law, one of my favorite actors, is a giant manwhore. Check out this observation (again, from the above link):

"...it's always difficult to film when you've got Jude Law running around the set with his pants down humping everybody he can get his hands on."

Now, that troubles me a bit. Not the assertion that Jude Law is a slut, although I think it's a bit unfair because all we know for sure is that he got caught boning his nanny last summer. (Well, not his nanny, his kids' nanny. Incidentally, can Jude Law have his own nanny? And if so, can I apply for that gig? I'd put in overtime, and I'd work for minimum wage.) But everyone has jumped on this (no pun intended) and now the big joke about Jude is that he'll hump anything. Again, unfair, because (to quote Dirk Diggler) we've all done things we're not proud of. But, I know--make your bed and lie in it, you play you pay, and blah blee bleh. If this is true (that he will and does bone anyone and everyone) that I am terribly troubled by this--for one reason: he hasn't got around to me yet.

And I'm a huge fan.

Exhibit A: I liked him when he really was Jude the Obscure, having seen and enjoyed his early work in I Love You, I Love You Not and Music From Another Room way, waaaay back in the day (like, 1997).

Exhibit B: I saw Alfie in the theatre (first run!) and LIKED it, unlike the snotty ass critics who panned the film and his performance. Hear that, Jude? I liked Alfie! I thought you were good. Good, dammit, good!

Exhibit C: At my Halloween party, I argued the case that Jude Law is way hotter than Orlando Bloom. I backed up my argument with some sound evidence ("Have you seen the previews for Alfie? Ever seen Music From Another Room?"), but wasn't able to sway the Orlando Bloom fans in attendance. (which, ick. Orlando is an okay actor, but he looks too much like Justin Timberlake--which is not a good thing. Also, do you like the deep intellectual debates I have at my parties?)

So Jude. Dude. Seriously. I'm not going to be young forever. If you're really as cavalier about spreading around your DNA as the gossip rags would have us believe, it's time to pay up. I'm not joking. You know where to find me.

And bring that chauffer's uniform you wore in Alfie. Rowr.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Being the 3rd day of the new year already, I realize that "Best of 2005" lists are already played. Still, I feel compelled to offer my version of events...

The Best Things That Happened In 2005

The Duran Duran Concert! This was in March, (check the archive entry for pics), and it was awesome. It had been eighteen frickin' years since I had seen this band live, and although our reunion was long overdue, it was well worth the wait. I could not love this band more if I had created them with my own bare hands.
Swimming With A Sea Turtle in Hawaii. This was awesome. The whole trip rocked, but my snorkeling excursion in the coral reef at Huanama Bay was the coolest thing ever. Swimming underwater alongside a giant sea turtle and literally hundreds of different types of fish and other marine life was truly surreal. It served to convince me, once and for all, that I need to live near an ocean at some point in my life--and definitely while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.
June, July and August. Taking the summer off to write was one of the best things that I've ever done. I wasn't as productive as I should have been (I never think that I am), but I accomplished a great deal nonetheless, and (just as importantly) it gave me time to clear my head and take a few steps back from life--something that is always beneficial to us moody creative types.
Expelling Michael from my life. Giving this jackass the boot was one of the greatest things I've ever done (you had to be there) and it was also--as the rest of the world can attest--long, long overdue. I'm awarding myself extra bonus points + a pat on the back for telling him to "have fun with (his) menopausal woman", and the postcard I sent him from Hawaii, which read "Have a nice life--too bad I wasted so much of mine on you! But I've seen the light. That old woman can have your weak ass. Aloha!" It was my finest hour thus far.
Getting my pet psychic article accepted! The publication date has been pushed back to sometime after August 2006, but still. It's a beginning.
The Finn Brothers concert. (My second time seeing them). Jet-setter that I am, I flew down to Indianapolis for the show and it was well worth the price of airfare. Marcus and I agree (check his blog) that it was the second best concert of the year (my 1st was D2, natch), and in my opinion better than the Guthrie show.
(Nearly) quitting smoking. It's all about the baby steps, people. I'm almost there (knocks on wooden table).
Getting laid. Sex is fun.
Eight-mile bike rides. At one point I was doing this daily--no small feat for someone who hates exercise and sweating (I'm a bit of a girl about such things). One more awesome aspect of my 2005 Summer of Awesome.
Another birthday. 32 is good.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

It's A Livin' Thing

I consider Boogie Nights to be one of the coolest films on God’s green earth. I love it. I lurve it. I want to move out to the suburbs with it and marry it. In fact…

How do I love this movie? Let me count the ways:

The scene at the beginning where Marky Mark (I refuse to call him Mark Wahlberg) rolls off his girlfriend (who turns out to be—holy shit—TINA from THE LWORD!!!) who fires up a joint and proceeds to tell him how much she loves his wiener.
The part where Rollergirl finally snaps and beats the holy hell out of the asshole guy who taunted her in high school.
John C. Reilly informing Dirk Diggler that “people tell me I look like Han Solo.”
Scotty (Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who fucking rocks) and his creepily adorable crush on Marky Mark (most notably the part where he goes all slack-jawed at the sight of the Dirkster sunning himself by the pool while Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing” plays on the soundtrack; also the Corvette scene where Scotty begs Dirk, “Can I kiss you on the mouth just once?” Awesome).
Dirk Diggler screaming “You’re not the king of Dirk!” and Burt Reynolds having to be physically restrained from kicking his manwhore ass.
The following exchange between the creepy porn star with the bad hair and Burt Reynolds:

CPS: “Is he gonna fuck me in the ass?”

BR: “Is that what you want?”

CPS: “It would be nice.”

BR: (wearily) “Okay, fuck her in the ass.”

Alfred Molina busting a nut (figuratively) over his love for the song “Sister Christian.”
Dirk Diggler quietly losing his shit during the drug deal.
Amber Waves snorting a line of coke and eyeing Marky Mark as “Oh What a Lonely Boy” plays on the soundtrack.
William H. Macy at the New Year’s Eve party (I’ll leave it at that).
Four little words: “You got the tooooouch.”
Michael Penn’s awesome cameo.
Buck (Don Cheadle) warning John C. Reilly about messing with evil forces.
Rollergirl asking Amber Waves to be her mom.
The Colonel asking Dirk Diggler to drop trou.
Pretty much any scene involving the Colonel.
The rival porn producer telling Burt Reynolds that he likes “lollipops in my mouth, butter in my ass.”
Burt Reynolds waxing poetic about Marky Mark: “Seventeen year old piece o’ gold.”
Don Cheadle bonding with Melora Waters at the New Year’s Eve party.
Marky Mark’s Miami Vice outfit.
Rollergirl jamming to ‘til Tuesday on her Walkman.
Dirk whipping out the fake member: “I’m a star I’m a star I’m a big bright shining star.”
Thomas Jane’s moustache.
The curtains in Dirk’s bedroom.
Don Cheadle in the donut shop.
Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell.
Two words: Spanish Pantalones.
Marky Mark’s Saturday Night Fever-style dancing. (Is it wrong that I find that scene incredibly hot?)
Becky Barnett’s preoccupation with astrology.
“That’s not an MP. That’s a YP—your problem!”
The DVD commentary, officiated by an obviously high P.T. Anderson (who was, IIRC, like 25 years old when he directed this movie).
PTA’s little anecdote on the commentary about John C. Reilly wanting to kick Marky Mark’s ass for beaning him in the head with a marshmallow.
John C. Reilly blaming the marshmallow incident (great band name, by the way) on “low blood sugar.”
PTA wondering aloud if Luis Guzman was high during the pool scene.
PTA claiming that he “can’t remember” if he based the Dirk Diggler character on John Holmes.
Okay I’m done.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Well, it's been seven posts since I did a REAL list, so I feel it's about time for another one...

The Ten Best Books I Read This Year

(in no particular order)

NOTE: These are definitely not books that came out this year, as I don't make a habit of buying the brand-spankin'-new hardcovers right off the shelf at Barnes & Noble. Whaddya think I am, made of money? Jeez.

1. Loser Goes First by Dan Kennedy -- one of the funniest books ever written.

2. Permanent Midnight by Jerry Stahl -- Ben Stiller made a suck-ass movie based on this book years ago. Don't ever see it. Read the book instead. It's some of the funniest, sickest, most twisted shit I've ever read, and I was barely able to put it down until I'd finished the whole thing. Not for the weak-stomached among us, but a totally fucking awesome read nonetheless.

3. The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green by Joshua Braff -- Having done time in a synagogue, I especially appreciated this novel about a Jewish boy growing up in the early '80s, forced to attend Hebrew school with his juvenile deliquent brother. My favorite part (and I'm not giving too much away, don't worry) was his brother getting expelled from schul for doing a particularly life-like drawing of the rabbi engaged in a "consensual three-way" (as he puts it) with a lobster and a pig. That totally rocked.

4. The Monk Downstairs by Tim Farrington -- I really loved this book. It's much more low-key than the ones mentioned above, but very still very engrossing and well-written. A very sweet love story that isn't the usual predictable crap, with characters that are complex and real.

5. Paperback Original by Will Rhode -- this was a wild read, a bit hard to get into in the beginning and somewhat preposterous towards the end, but otherwise very entertaining. And check out the author's picture. He's hot! (yes, I'm shallow).

6. Elysian Days and Nights by M.S. Valentine -- yes, this is pure smut. But it's pretty damn good, as smut goes. And no, you can't borrow it.

7. Getting Over Tom by Abigail Thomas -- a collection of short stories that don't really having a unifying theme, other than women falling in love and getting fucked over in varying degrees. But it's pretty true to life, and I liked the one about the 50ish woman who bones the young hot guy.

8. Hatchet Jobs by Dale Peck -- a collection of essays consisting of critic Peck ripping apart the works of various esteemed authors. It was fun to read, even the ones concerning writers I hadn't heard of. My favorite was where he ripped Terry McMillan a new one-- that woman cannnot write to save her ass. And, as much as I liked Portnoy's Complaint and Goodbye Columbus, it's nice to see someone call Philip Roth on the carpet for being such a flaming misogynist, (not to mention an irrelevant one).

9. Long Way Down by Nick Hornby -- the reviews for this book (his latest) have not been kind, but I think the critics are full of shit. I found it extremely well-written, hilarious and oddly touching...in other words, typical Hornby.

10. The Idiot Girls' Action Adventure Club by Laurie Notaro -- this woman rocks! She's written a series of books (I've now read them all) but this one is by far her best and funniest. Drop whatever you're doing immediately and go pick up a copy. Go on. Go. Now, dammit, now!

ETA: In the "Holy shit, I can't believe I forgot about these" category: Smashed--Memoir of a Drunken Girlhood by Koren Zailckas (another one of those impossible-to-put-down books); Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch by Hollis Gillespie (she's awesome!); and Shanda: The Making and Breaking of a Self-Loathing Jew by Neal Karlen (nice "losing my religion"-type memoir).

Next time--the worst books I read this year (yes, there are a few).

Monday, November 07, 2005

Wow, one post per month--that's pretty pathetic. I have no excuse other than I've been busy (well, and kinda lazy, too--which can impair my ability to post).

I have a new temp assignment now, working for the guv'ment. Yep. I'm one of those. Government worker. Not as scary as I'd imagined, and the job is pretty much gravy, so that's good. There's a certain comfort in mindless and repetitive work.

I thought of this the other day and don't know how well it will look in print, but here goes nothing:

Things That Were Popular When I Was In High School

Whenever I happen to catch an old episode of 90210 or a showing of Doc Hollywood on the Fox Saturday afternoon matinee, I'm reminded of how truly hideous the fashions of the early '90s were. I'm starting to think that they were even more putrid than the worst of the '70s (Dorothy Hammill do's and brown courderoy gauchos) and the worst of the '80s (Madonna hairbows and pastel jeans). It's hard to even put my finger on what was so disgusting about the clothes and trends circa '90 - '93 --perhaps because I was in high school (class of '92) at the time and in the thick of it all. Yes people, I wore and did some of the same crap.

I will try to illustrate the sheer ugliness of that era through the following examples:

MC Hammer pants -- These were popular at high school dances. It was mostly a guy thing, but I do remember seeing a handful of girls inexplicably wearing these things. They were basically puffy pants--huge and billowy (I'm not kidding) around the thighs, then tapering off at the ankles. They came in various colors: blue, black, gold lame (I'm not kidding), red--mostly dark colors (pastels were seldom seen during this time, lest anyone be reminded of the eighties).

Air-brushed T-shirts -- a trend from the eighties that really came into its own ca. 1990-91. I was once felt up by a guy sporting an airbrushed T-shirt with "You Can't Touch This" (a nod to the MC Hammer song) emblazoned across the front. I was sixteen. I've never fully recovered.

Tight-rolled jeans -- Holy mother of God, everyone did this. There was an art to it; you took the cuff of your jeans and pulled it tight against your ankle, gathering the excess material on the outside of the leg. You then folded it over, then carefully and neatly rolled it heavenwards two or three times, according to preference. Then you put on your colored slouch socks (no pastels, you nerd!) and your brown loafers, grabbed your Liz Claibourne purse and hair pick, and you were good to go!

Giant sweaters -- I had 'em, you had 'em, we all had 'em. Many featured loud, clashing colors (in one of my senior pictures, I'm sporting a large orange and hot pink sweater with a cowl neck that threatens to swallow my whole big-haired head). The ones for boys were slightly more masculine and less fuzzy and featured geometric patterns in clashy hues. Even the "alternative" crowd wore these things (paired with black or leather pants, instead of tight-rolled jeans). Yes kids, in the early nineties, no one was safe from giant ugly sweaters.

Spiral perms -- Yes, I had one. Let's move on.

Cosmopolitan magazine -- With the advent of Teen People, Teen Vogue, and Sassy (R.I.P.), I imagine Cosmopolitan magazine has quite a bit more competition now than it did around '90 - '92. Back then, however, it was The Holy Bible of teenage girls. In my high school, wrinkled, torn, dog-eared copies of the latest Cosmo were passed around and memorized monthly. While we half-heartedly perused the fashion photo spreads and makeup tips, the real reason we worshipped this rag was one simple reason: sex. Cosmo was (and still is, I'm guessing) chock full of it. Sex articles, sex tips, sex info-graphs, sex pie charts, sex statistics, sexsexsexsexsexsexsex-sex-sexity-sex. The sex quizzes were the best. The thoughtful reader would circle her answers in pencil, so the next person who took it could erase her markings and write in her own. Unfortunately, this wasn't always the case, and sometimes the quizzes came to you so smudged with ballpoint ink that you had to transfer your answers onto a sheet of notebook paper and continously refer to the magazine so you could ascertain "How Kinky Are You?" (even if you were fifteen and had only ever gone to second base with a boy, it was important to be able to determine these things. You know, for when you turned sixteen). I don't think anyone over seventeen years old actually takes these quizzes, and (hopefully) no woman over twenty actually takes Cosmo's lame-brained sex advice seriously. If you know one who does, please slap her. Hard.

Monday, October 17, 2005

I fucking can't believe it's October already. Jeez.

The other night I had a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad dream. I dreamt I was back at the Temple (my old job--you may remember--which I stayed at for 11 excruciating months from July '04 to June '05). In the dream, for some unearthly reason, I went back to the Temple to resume my old position after my four month hiatus. God, it was horrible to see my boss and her bitchface again, even if it was only in the fog of my subconscious. And I think I had to take a meeting with Rabbi Needle-dick to talk about the bulletin. Words cannot convey the horror I felt as it sank in that I was, indeed, back in that ungodly shithole. So glad it was just a dream.

To this day I wake up, clutch the bed, and thank God I don't work there anymore.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Dude, Where's My Car?

Yesterday morning I overslept and was running late to work--finally setting foot outside my apartment at around 7:40 am (which means no hope of getting there by 8:00 since the job is way out in the 'burbs). So I make it to the street and it's cold, pouring rain, and barely light outside (ugh). As I'm shivering on the sidewalk, holding my dry cleaning over my head (forgot my umbrella, natch), I look up and down the street and realize that I have no idea where I parked my car the night before. And it's not like I'd been drinking, I was stone cold sober when I drove home from my writer's group Tuesday night. I just don't remember actually parking the car.

A few words of explanation: my neighboorhood is fairly trendy and there are quite a few coffee shops, bars, restaurants, and other establishments in the immediate area that are open late into the evening. So basically, trying to find a parking space anywhere within a four-block radius of my building after 7pm is damn near impossible. Therefore, I never get to park in the same place twice, and I'm used to vulturing for parking spaces and hiking the few blocks back to my apartment if I come home at night. I guess I've grown so used to this that I didn't even happen to notice where I'd parked when I got home the night before.

So, I took a guess and headed down the next block to see if I could find my car. I walked about half a block, squinted down the next street, and saw...

Nada.

I stood forlornly in the middle of the street and contemplated my situation. My hose and high heels were completely soaked from the rain, 8:00 was nigh and there was no car in sight. That's when I made an executive decision.

I wouldn't make it to work that day.

Turning on my heel, I quickly splashed through the puddles back to my building. I unlocked my door, threw down my stuff, and peeled off my wet clothes. Settling down between the sheets, I placed a call to the temp agency, and in my best sick voice rolled out the old "food poisoning" standby. I hung up the phone, pulled the covers over my head, and was asleep again within minutes.

It was a good day.

Friday, September 23, 2005

I'm at work right now, and 5:00 can't come fast enough. In an effort to speed up the time and combat my rapidly encroaching boredom, I thought a list would be apropo....

Things I'd Rather Be Doing (in no particular order)...

Riding my bike down Summit Ave.
Finishing the earrings I started last week
Making a purse with colored duct tape
Sitting in the sun
Eating Pad Thai noodles from that place on Selby
Watching Sesame Street with my nephew
Working on my book
Drafting query letters
Writing the article that's due on the 30th
Shopping at Dabble
Reading Another Bullshit Night In Suck City, (which is now overdue because I haven't had time to finish reading it, due to the thirty-seven hours I've spent this week in an office)
Reading The Monk Downstairs, another book I haven't had the time to finish

Jeez, it's still only 4:30? The clock hates me.

andiepants