GONNA PUT IT IN THE WANT ADS!

Hot damn, I dig this song. It really "slaps," as the young people say.

Recently I was paging through a couple Rolling Stone issues I held on to from the early nineties. One of them is the July 11, 1991 edition featuring Rod Stewart and Rachel Hunter on the cover (incidentally, I had this cover pinned to my dorm room bulletin board my senior year of high school, alongside a Mickey Rourke calendar--hey, it was 1991).

Early '90s fashion wasn't the best, but I do miss the vibrant colors.

I loathe all the beiges and greys and muted tones of today.
 

The other RS issue I saved from that era is the one with Beavis and Butthead on the cover, dated August 19, 1993, my 20th birthday, thankyouverymuch. 

Yes, I kept this one, too. What can I say? My sense of humor is very refined.

I love vintage Rolling Stone. The interviews, the political commentary, the endless Joe Camel cigarette ads....but my favorite section just might be the classifieds. Man, you could find the goofiest, most random shit in the back of magazines during the pre-internet days. 

Without further ado, here are some of my favorite classified ads compiled from the two issues above.

Putting the "ASS" in Classified! I love that "Lusty audio tales of Good, Clean SIN" 

is listed along with that KNOW GOD PERSONALLY ad. 

Come to think of it, $3.99 seems like quite a bargain 

for a book that promises to "change your life forever." 

More bang for your buck than Dianetics, anyway.

Not sure what the hell ECKANKAR is, but at least their brochure is free.

That's more than you can say for HOT LIVE GIRLS and HOT GAY TALK.

How much do I love that an ad touting "Unfulfilled fantasies explored" 

is listed under the SELF IMPROVEMENT banner? Well, a lot.

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES! Is it me, or does that address painting turnkey business 

up there sound almost legit? More so than starting your own travel agency at home. 

That one's gotta be a scam.

I'm thinking that you'd have to be pretty bored to call the DIAL-AN-INSULT line.

Like, so bored you're practically dead. 

Of course, it's the PICKING UP GIRLS ad that stands out here. 

"Video with attractive girls revealing secrets and showing you what works!"

"Why should some guys get all the girls!" 

(I am 100% sure 'Cybernetics' is a legitimate business and the girl-getting techniques 

advertised on the video are completely and totally effective. 

Too bad the errant exclamation point ruins its credibility.)

This MISCELLANY section is, like, really miscellaneous. 

Relationship tips, a Grateful Dead hotline (in Crystal Bay, Nevada! Hey, I've been there!), 

a gay dating service, Radio Caroline tapes, 

and WICCAN WISDOM, STRENGTH AND POWER 

from "Gavin & Yvonne." 

There it is, that VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS sticker! 

I ordered one of those and stuck it on the bumper 

of my 1988 Toyota Corolla back in the day. 

Most people who noticed it found the sentiment hilarious, 

but some folks totally didn't get it. 

One lady followed me into a Kroger in Carmel to ask me what it meant. 

I tried to explain the joke....really though, how the hell do you explain it 

to someone who doesn't get the "whirled peas" pun in the first place?

I think I just confused her even more.  

So much to say about this one. First of all, SHIRT NOT CENSORED! 

But if "FUCK" is too risque, you can order the also available, 

PG-rated "SHUT THE HELL UP" version. But why would you? 

Don't half-ass it, dude. The design is in 3-D....whatever that meant 

in the early nineties....so you might as well go balls-to-the-wall, F-bombs away!

Also it comes in NEON, because of course it does! 

Oooh! Here are some even shoddier T-shirt designs! 

BART KILLED KENNEDY (?) and DO THE NASTY.

Also, BEER IS FOOD--BUSH SUCKS--WHO CARES--SHUT UP.

Hey, do you think The Underground T-Shirt Factory is still in business?

'Cause I'm ready to order! 

Okay....I really have no idea. 

I heart explosions? And, uh, waves? 

And SEX. Well, at least that one is clear.

I appreciate the anti-Rush Limbaugh sentiment, but what the hell is that drawing?

Is Rush sucking on a lawn dart? Taking a giant hit off a weirdly shaped bong? 

So many questions. 

But the "This is your cat on crack" shirt? I'd legit wear that. 

It's completely bizarre and no one would get the joke today, but I don't care. 

It's brilliant in its randomness and I must have it.  

Ok, millennials. If we #FreeBritney will you kindly SHUT UP about it?

I don't mean to sound insensitive about Britney's plight, but let's have a little perspective here. Britney Spears is an obscenely wealthy white celebrity living in Malibu, not a political prisoner sleeping on the dirt floor of a Belarusian detention center.

Pictured: not Britney Spears

Okay, I know I've ripped on Britney a lot in the past, but over the last several years I've mellowed a bit (yes, really), and it's dawned on me that I never actually had a problem with her personally. True, Britney's music has never been my cup of tea and I found her ubiquity circa 1999-2008 vomit inducing. But it's always been painfully obvious that Brit-Brit was never in the driver's seat of her own career anyway. She's a former Mouseketeer for Christ's sake, groomed and tossed onstage by her creepy parents, thrust into the limelight by Disney, polished and packaged by MTV, then foisted on the public for decades now by the corporate media. So it's not so much Britney that I detest; it's the relentless PR machine that's been shoving her down our throats since the late '90s.

I don't plan on watching any of the roughly 37 documentaries released this year about the whole Britney brouhaha, but I've read enough internet think pieces and editorials to get the idea. Basically Mom and Pop Spears, The Mickey Mouse Club, various managers, agents, handlers, the paparazzi, tabloid newspapers, celebrity bloggers, gossip websites, Justin Timberlake, some hanger-on named Sam Lutfi, her rodent-faced baby daddy K-Fed, Diane Sawyer, Matt Lauer, Tucker Carlson (ew), and pretty much any regular Schmoe who ever publicly expressed a snarky opinion about Britney Spears should be hanging their heads in shame at how spectacularly they've all failed her. 

While I agree that Britney was undoubtedly shat on from a great height by lots of people over the years, I'm not sure most of the world's population is at fault for her mental health issues and whatever else she's facing now. I'm sure as hell not shouldering any of the blame; if I could cross my arms, flip my ponytail and erase Britney's stardom I'd do it in a shot. In fact, the poor girl probably would have been happier if she'd stayed in Louisiana and lived an anonymous existence raising kids or corgis or whatever and blowing off steam on karaoke night at the Downtown Daquiri Lounge once a week.

And also? I'm really fucking tired of seeing stupid headlines like this:

I don't know Kevin, you talent-free hack. It wasn't my turn to watch him that day.

Speaking of Timberfuck, can I just say again for like the 1000th time that I never got the appeal of that dude? When he was with his lame boy band (and by the way, why do they call these dancing, lip-synching, trained monkey teenybopper acts 'boy bands'? They're boys, sure, but bands? Bands play instruments, goddammit! I think it's an alliterative thing for lazy music journos, hence 'boy bands' and 'girl groups,'), why was Justin the breakout star? He was so mediocre in every way, even when contrasted with those other Backstreet Boys erm, N'Sync dullards. And remember the music press when he went solo? They pushed him so hard, it was baffling. Rolling Stone was especially determined to make me care about Justin's crap music.

    Rolling Stone in the 2000s: all shit, all the time.

If you've been paying attention to the Free Britney movement (heh, "movement), you'll know that Justin Timberlake is now problematic and possibly canceled. Not because of his musical output, which still sucks, but because he acted like a giant jackass when he and Britney broke up. It has mostly to do with his skewering of Britney in one of his sucky music videos, and also because he admitted in a radio interview that he and Britney had S-E-X. 

Yes sir, they did the no-pants dance. The four-legged foxtrot, if you will. Made the beast with two backs. Played hide the cannoli. Took a trip to pound town. Sent out for sushi. Ate out at the Y....over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvins in a ball on the front seat, past 11 on a school night. 

Yes, it's fucking ridiculous, but this revelation was actually deemed shocking at the time. To put it in '80s terms, dig if you will a picture...

It's 1986 or so and Billy Idol is doing a promotional tour for his new album, Whiplash Smile. Billy has just broken up with his longtime girlfriend Perri Lister (actually it seems they broke up after having a kid together in 1989, but just humor me here). 

Radio Interviewer: So Billy, I hear you and Perri broke up. That sucks, man. 

Billy Idol: Yeah well you know. Shit happens. 

Radio Interviewer: You guys dated for several years. While I have you here in the studio, Billy, tell me, did you and Perri ever, you know.....DO IT?

Billy Idol: Oh yeah, we did it. Lots of times. I saw her naked, too. 

Radio Interviewer: Dude, high five! 

But no, people in the '80s weren't asking Billy Idol or Perri Lister if they boned, because back then there wasn't endless speculation over whether or not pop stars were having sex. I'm guessing because it was generally assumed that they were all fucking like bunnies, and also due to the fact that back then nobody cared enough to make a goddamned federal case out of it. 

I understand that the public debate about Britney's virginity is explored in the current crop of #FreeBritney documentaries, and it sounds like they all share my view on the topic, which is to say "What the fuck was up with that, anyway?" I read some old articles and interviews, trying to figure out whether the virginity narrative was originally floated by Britney and her "team," or if it was something a reporter asked her about and she gave the "I'm waiting til marriage" speech of her own accord, but it's not clear how (or why) it started. I just know it was a really creepy thing for the media and the public to fixate on, and anyone genuinely invested in the "purity" of a teenage girl--celebrity or otherwise--is a damned pree-vert.

And the obsession with virginity wasn't limited to Britney back in the aughts. I seem to recall Dubya signing an executive order to declare Jessica Simpson's hymen a national shrine around 2002 or so. 

Pictured: a proud day for Amurrica

"My fellow Amurricans, today we recognize Miss Simpson's tireless commitment to chastity and her steadfast belief in church-sanctified marital sex. Jessica, you are an inspiration to the unfulfilled loins of our country's youth. Thank you, and may God continue to bless Amurrica. Karl Rove, you get to cut the ribbon."

No that didn't really happen, but the post-9/11 climate was so bizarre that it sure as shit seems like something that could've happened. Come on now, I'm not wrong.

Not to rip on Bush some more, because now that we've lived through the horror of The Orange Menace, Bush looks like goddamned Churchill in comparison. BUT, is it any wonder that millennials are so irony deficient? They grew up in the era of freedom fries, inbred sister wives destroying Dixie Chicks albums, and, erm, whatever the fuck this was: 

When the media shows footage of homophobes President Bush and Prince Abdullah strolling hand-in-hand looking like Archie and Betty on their way to the malt shop, and you're meant to take it seriously? Well, I think it would tend to warp your sense of irony, especially if you're still in your formative years.  

This trend of teen pop stars advocating virginity seemed to peak around 2008. I remember seeing the VMA's that year when Russell Brand hosted, and he made some sort of crack about the famously chaste (at the time) Jonas Brothers and the purity rings they wore to signal their pledge to remain sex-free. Well, Brand's comment did not sit well with American Idol "winner" Jordin Sparks (who?) and later that night when she took the stage to present whatever bullshit award she was there to present, she snotted, "I just wanted to say there's nothing wrong with wearing a purity ring, because some of us aren't filthy whores." (I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist.) Of course, times have changed a bit and if Jordin said that today I believe she'd get her prissy ass canceled by the Twitterati for "slut-shaming" and be forced to make a groveling social media apology. Personally, I think that if this sort of dreck is representative of her musical output, Jordin Sparks should have been canceled for trying to bore everyone to death.   

Ah, millennials. Ya gotta love 'em. I'm not being sarcastic, I have a lot of friends who fall into the millennial category and they're good eggs. Much more socially aware than us Gen Xers, but we're trying to catch up. Yep, some of my favorite people are millennials. And it's not entirely their fault that the music of their generation sucks so hard; with public school arts programs being systematically gutted over the past few decades, is it any wonder that many millennials consider people like Drake and Katy Perry purveyors of good music? At least they have a valid excuse. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for people like Rob Sheffield. And that sort of breaks my heart.

Yes, my fellow Gen Xer, Rob Sheffield. It pains me to say this, because I enjoyed his book Love Is a Mix Tape and of course I appreciated him giving my favorite band their due in his second memoir, Talking to Girls About Duran Duran. But Rob also talks a lot of shit, and he is oddly, inexplicably worshipful of Britney Spears. For instance, he once claimed that Britney's music is actually punk. Yeah, okay. Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks, The Slits, and....Britney Spears. "Punk." Lester Bangs is spinning in his grave.

I guess if Avril Lavigne is your idea of punk, so is this.

Then in 2019 Sheffield penned a think piece marking the 20th anniversary of Britney's debut album Baby One More Time, calling it "avant-garde." (Rob, you ignorant slut.) Seriously, Laurie Anderson should kick his ass for that one. 

I remember Britney's first music video where she's dancing down the hallway of a Catholic high school, all tarted up like she's about to hit the main stage at Spearmint Rhino. I also remember a standup comedian around that time who quipped, "When I see that Britney Spears video I think two words: JonBenet," which I found funny and creepily on-point. 

But the video that stands out to me more is her follow-up, "Sometimes." (I'm not posting the video, instead here's the 1986 Erasure song of the same name.) 

Much better to have this "Sometimes" stuck in your head, trust me.
        

If I were in a less charitable mood, I might call Britney's song "music to slit your wrists to," but the thing is, it's not terrible. It's not even that bad; it's not interesting enough to be bad. The bland melody and generic lyrics are formulated to be as inoffensive as possible. The video is noteworthy as a meticulously crafted commercial for a brand new product: Britney Spears. The "Baby One More Time" vid was a showy, risqué ploy to get your attention. Now that they have it, her marketing team has put together an easily digestible promo to showcase the wholesome Britney, the all-American, all-things-to-everyone, all-purpose pop star. 

It opens with Britney gazing through one of those beach telescope things, mooning prettily over her designated love interest.         

    

      

Her dreamboat is shown clutching a football and walking along the surf with a dog. These quick shots tell you everything you need to know about him: he's a sports-loving, dog-owning, red-blooded dudebro, lest you think he'd be caught dead doing something femme-y like petting a cat or reading a book. 

Then Britney heads down to the pier to bust some choreographed dance moves with her, erm, peers. Everyone is decked out in white. 

Britney lounges on a picnic blanket clad in a virginal white dress....

 

.

...and hangs out with some girlfriends, still wearing white. Even her car is white.

You know, maybe the biggest difference between Gen Xers and millennials is the latter's affinity for synchronized dance routines in their music videos. Something about a clutch of plucky kids dancing in formation is so cringey and off-putting to me. 

I mean, they're all just so sincere about it.

Call me jaded, but I prefer my music videos firmly tongue-in cheek. For instance, Simon Le Bon trussed up to a windmill....

"You got sirens for a welcome, there's bloodstains for your paaaaaain."

Debbie Harry rapping with The Man From Mars....

"And you don't stop, just blast off, a sure shot."

Or George Michael pretending to be sexually attracted to a woman....

(Wait, you mean he wasn't being ironic here?)

What else is there left to say about Britney? Well, I don't dislike her. I hope she is completely freed of her conservatorship, I guess. I can't abide her musical output, but reportedly she has no plans to subject us to more of her vocal stylings anytime soon.....although we'll see how long that lasts because I can't see her team wasting all this free publicity without cashing in with some new project. Maybe she'll release another fragrance and spare us any more albums. 

I just hope we've heard the last of this #FreeBritney bullshit, because it's doing my head in.