Friday, May 05, 2017

I'm sick of thinking about politics. I'm sick of talking about politics. So instead of writing about politics, here's a photo that sums up my feelings:

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGH..... 
THIS BITCH

Yes, I know, the real problem is her Antichrist husband. And yes, I'm also aware that between Damien and his boss Cheeto von Trumpsky, we'd be better off with Damien because at least he's less likely start a nuclear war when some "furriner" on Twitter insults his fat orange ass one time too many. (Just to make it perfectly clear, the idea that Mike Pence is preferable to anyone--even a walking scrotum like Donald Trump--hurts my head so goddamn much I can barely force my fingers to type out that execrable thought.) 

Back to my original point: Karen Pence is a homophobic, pig-ignorant, small-minded, Bible-humping bigot. I know, most people with a functioning cerebral cortex realize that. But have they read this gem of a letter she wrote to The Indianapolis Star in 1991? Probably not, since the Washington Post puff piece about our dear second lady linked to an image from newspapers.com, which requires Hawkeye-level vision to read the flyspeck-sized print. Lucky for you--after an hour of pressing my face to the laptop screen, then holding it at arms-length and squinting, then pressing my face to the screen again, ad nauseum--I was able to decipher the damn thing and have transcribed it here in all its glory: 

As an elementary school teacher,* I was disappointed in your July 29 Children’s Express. I have always participated in your Newspapers in Education program and encouraged my pupils to read Children’s Express.
After seeing a whole page encouraging young people to accept their homosexuality I have decided no longer to use the Indianapolis Star to teach newspaper education.

Your implication that an 11 year old having a crush on a teacher of the same sex means that child is gay or lesbian is absurd. Every child at some point in grade school has a teacher he or she admires or looks up to. Your story also unfortunately encourages children to think they’re gay or lesbian if they have a close relationship with a child of the same sex. No wonder our youth are confused.

I only pray that most parents were able to intercept your article before their children were encouraged to call the Gay/Lesbian Youth Hotline, which encourages them to “accept their homosexuality” instead of reassuring them they are not.

Karen Pence
Indianapolis 
At this risk of repeating myself.....ugh, THIS BITCH.

"Oh noes, we can't have young people who are experiencing same-sex attraction be allowed to think that their feelings are acceptable in any way, shape, or form, or that they are anything other than filthy hell-bound perverts if their sexuality leans towards something other than the Jesus-approved 'Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve' variety. And furthermore, what business do they have acknowledging sexual feelings of any kind before marriage, anyway? HEATHENS!"

The fact that Karen Pence wrote a letter criticizing one of the most conservative, right-leaning newspapers in the country for (essentially) being "too liberal" on their stance of "teh homosex" is so absurd I don't even know where to begin. I mean, I grew up in Indianapolis. I know the politics of The Star (back in 1991 it was known as The Star and News, because people still read newspapers and the industry could support a morning and an evening publication, which seems like an alien concept today) and am quite familiar with the political climate of my hometown, especially in the pre-Clinton, George Bush Sr. years. Still, it illustrates how out-of-step this Pence bitch was (and still is), that The Indianapolis fucking Star had a more socially liberal posture than the future first couple of Indiana and future (gag) second couple of the United States.

I know that the Pences, like good little Christian fundies, fulfilled their biological purpose and spawned some children (Wikipedia says it was three--a son and two daughters). Is it dickish of me to hope that one of them turns out to be totally, unapologetically, outspokenly GAY? I don't think so. I really, really, really hope that happens. And not so the Pences can be shamed into disowning the kid. I'm talking about a "come-to-Jesus" (heh) awakening on LGBT issues, like the turnaround Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney did when he reversed his stance on gay marriage because of his lesbian daughter Mary. (That happened well after he left office, but still.) I'm going to do a Frau Pence and "pray" for that kind of a miracle.

In the meantime, this is for Karen......

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

via GIPHY


Looks like these kids might have read that Children's Express piece that got Karen's panties in such a wad, hmmmm?

via GIPHY

*Incidentally, while perusing Karen Pence's wikipedia page, I discovered a little factoid that nearly stopped my heart cold. Apparently, she taught at John Strange Elementary, my alma mater. I'm not sure when she was employed there, but I'm guessing it was long after my time (I was a student from 1979-1985). Still, that makes me several degrees closer to her than I'd ever choose to be.  

Friday, February 24, 2017

RESCUED FROM OBSCURITY 
Samantha Fox - "I Only Wanna Be With You"


Okay, I'm not even embarrassed by how much I love this one. 

Samantha Fox was more of a household name in the UK and Europe, but she managed a few Top 10 hits in the US during the late '80s. She started out as a topless Page 3 girl in 1983 at the age of 16 (okay, that's gross--but the age of consent in England is 16, so 16 in the UK = 18 in the US). At age 20 she "retired" from modeling and released her first record in 1986, Touch Me (I Want Your Body), an experimental, high-concept album that explored existential angst in the Reagan/Thatcher era (just kidding! It was bubblegum pop, of course). The title track shot to #3 in the UK charts and reached #4 in the US, which surprises me to learn--as I don't remember hearing it on the radio all that much--although MTV played the shit out of the video. 

Sam Fox in the "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)" video
I recall liking the song okay, but Sammy herself just didn't resonate with me at the time. Maybe because with her hair, the rhinestones, and all that denim, she looked more like a long-lost slutty Mandrell sister than a hip MTV starlet.

Who will get this reference?
Nobody born after 1980, that's for damn sure.


So then Sam came back in 1987 with a self-titled album and a new single, "Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)" (the girl liked parenthesis even more than I do). That song hit #3 in the US and the album itself was big in other markets--again, mostly in Europe and the UK, as well as Japan--they love blondes there, apparently. I had a French pen pal around that time and he and I would send each other mix tapes and magazine clippings; I remember he sent me a French fanzine and Samantha Fox was all over it, along with a cute 14-year-old gap-toothed pop singer called Vanessa Paradis, who became famous years later as the longtime paramour of Johnny Depp. Anyhoo, I found Sam's "Naughty Girls" song amusing, but not enough to buy the single or the album. I was happy to see that she'd hired a new stylist and was no longer dressing like a wayward Mandrell sister, though.

A subtle difference perhaps, but a big improvement.

Then in 1988, when I was 15 years old and entering my freshman year at boarding school, Samantha Fox came out with her third album. This time, I broke down and bought the thing because of this fucking song. It was a guilty pleasure and I couldn't get enough.

Not gonna lie, I still adore this.  

It wasn't an original, of course; Dusty Springfield recorded it first in 1963, then the Bay City Rollers did it in the '70s, along with a ton of other artists over the years (it's one of those old pop songs that tends to get covered a lot). But I have to say, I dig Sam's version the most.  

Looking at the video today, I'm struck by how, well, mature she appears. Samantha Fox was only 22 years old here, but in a lot of these shots she looks like someone's 40-year-old mom. She'd be the "cool" mom, though, the one who reads Jackie Collins novels and buys four-packs of Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers for her teen daughter and her friends, "as long as you drink it here at the house, girls. And don't get too tipsy, now--I don't want to get in trouble with your parents! Haha!"

Come on, I can't be the only one who sees it, right?
I also liked the title track, "I Wanna Have Some Fun," even though it hasn't aged as well as "IOWBWY". (In fact, it's a bit terrible.) Still, I have vivid memories of getting my groove on to that one at The Victory,* dancing in a circle with my friends, doing the white girl thing: feet planted, lots of hip swaying, elbow and shoulder action, along with the occasional hair toss. It's how we rolled in '88.

Samantha Fox is still a public figure, although she hasn't recorded an album in several years. Nowadays she mostly pops up as a guest host on Loose Women (basically a UK version of The View) and reality shows like Celebrity Big Brother and I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here. Although she was romantically linked to KISS's Paul Stanley (!) in the '80s, since 2003 she has been an out-and-proud lesbian and was in a long-term romantic relationship with her manager, Myra Stratton, who sadly passed away from cancer in 2015. Sam is apparently dating again, however, and has been pictured with new girlfriend Linda Olsen in recent months. 

Yay, I love a happy ending! :-)


*An under-21 nightclub in Evansville, IN. Do underage nightclubs still exist? I think they must be a relic of the '70s and '80s, since I can't imagine today's helicopter parents allowing their teens to shake their asses to raunchy club tunes til the wee hours of the night in a dark warehouse, with no adult supervision.    







Friday, February 17, 2017

BREAKING: VIOLENT SELF-RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLES 
BEHAVE LIKE VIOLENT SELF-RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLES

Note: This is NOT a rant against transgender people. I support transgender causes and I believe that trans people have the right to live safely and freely as the gender they feel themselves to be. I also have transgender friends in Minneapolis, and could not imagine any of them aligning themselves with trolls like the ones who apparently comprise this GAG group. Furthermore, I don't believe the people who staged this protest--particularly the "very tall, loud person" described below--are actually transgender. I believe the group that put on this pathetic display at the Vancouver Women's Library is not a genuine part of the transgender community. In fact, it would appear that GAG is nothing more than a dangerous fringe group; basically the secular equivalent of the Westboro Baptist Church. Like the WBC, GAG seems to be a bunch of idiotic, rage-filled trolls who get their jollies by behaving like fascist bullies.
******************************************************************************

The Vancouver Women's Library--a volunteer-run feminist organization dedicated to promoting and continuing the legacy of women-run bookstores, presses and libraries--were met with a group of hostile protesters at their official opening on Friday, February 3. According to Guerilla Feminist Collective, "the protesters held signs and shouted at people entering the space. They poured wine over the books. They smoked inside when asked not to. They pulled the fire alarm. Some of them tried to bar--then pushed--women entering the space. As far as we saw, men were left alone to come and go as they pleased." (That last sentence, as you'll see, is rather telling.)

So who the hell were these protesters? Hateful alt-right activists? Nazis? MRA's? Nope. The protesters who showed up at the library to disrupt the opening, threaten (female) patrons and destroy property were members of a group of queer activists who call themselves GAG--"Gays Against Gentrification." 


Image taken from feministcurrent.com
Destroying books? Seriously? That is some Hitler-level shit right there.

One of the library's patrons took a video of these destructive little pukes, and posted it online. The video was available up until Saturday 2/11, but it has mysteriously disappeared from Vimeo as of Sunday 2/12. (Gee, wonder who was responsible for that?) Luckily, the excellent blog Butterflies and Wheels provided a detailed description* of what went down. BTW, I watched the video when it was still up, and I found the play-by-play below to be 100% accurate.

FYI....the "very tall loud person" referenced several times in the description below is (reportedly) a GAG "activist" named J---- ehrm, make that "Mason Biatch." Yes, I fumbled his name a bit because I don't want him googling himself and finding his way here. I have an intense hatred of trolls and will not stand for their shit on my blog.

The hat-less person underneath the yellow sign? Yeah. THAT ONE.
Also, lying on the floor towards the bottom left side of the pic,
you can see the poster that he ripped off the wall.

A description of the protest (from Butterflies and Wheels):
The very tall loud person tears down a poster, and several people cry “Get out!” The very tall loud person does not get out.
About 2:40 The person with bangs next to the very tall loud person says “No SWERFs! No TERFs!” 
The very tall loud person immediately shouts “NO FUCKING TERFS in this FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD.”
At this point talk becomes general, and less shouty…until at 3:00 the very tall loud person says with loud emphasis “BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT YOU IN OUR FUCKING SPACES.”
Women from the library gather in front of the very tall loud person (who looms over them) and the very tall loud person shouts at them.
At about 3:45 the very tall loud person bellows at them “NO YOU’RE ATTACKING THE WRONG FUCKING PEOPLE.”
The conversation goes on, mostly centered on the very tall loud person. Whenever very tall loud person talks louder (which is often), TLP also flails an arm up and down for emphasis – and, perhaps, for intimidation. That may be unconscious, or it may not.
About 4:40 – again with the very tall loud person shouting and flailing the hand up and down, inches from the face of one of the library women. No, I don’t think that can be unconscious.
5:12 the very tall loud person shouts into a woman’s face: “I’M A WOMAN.”
Okay, the very tall loud person says at the beginning “as a trans person” and a bit later “you said I’m not a real woman.”
At 5:12 the very tall loud person spells it out (by shouting into a woman’s face). But here’s the thing: the trans woman is carrying on exactly like an angry entitled bullying man with no scruples about bullying women. The trans woman is carrying on like Donald Trump. Isn’t it interesting how this particular kind of “activism” apparently functions as permission for large people with loud voices to do that? Isn’t it interesting that this “woman” has zero inhibitions about using typically male advantages of size and voice volume to bully and berate women? 

*The full account of the video is available here --
http://www.butterfliesandwheels.org/2017/activism-in-action/)

As if that hideous display wasn't enough, the same half-wit thugs came back a week later and spray painted anti-feminist slurs on the building that houses the Vancouver Women's Library. 


More details here: Vancouver Illiteracy Project
This "GAG" group is trying to argue that they aren't welcome in "feminist spaces" because they're transgender (again, I call bullshit on any of them even being transgender). The truth is that they make themselves unwelcome by acting like violent, misogynistic dickheads. And people who act like that should be not be welcome anywhere.

In the words of a commenter on B and W:
"Wouldn’t everyone benefit from more places serving under-served or vulnerable groups? Go start your own! How does it make sense to bully the people (i.e. The Vancouver Women's Library) who created something because they didn’t create it to your specifications?"
WORD. Transgender libraries should exist. Transgender spaces should exist. Additionally, if a hateful little fringe group like "GAG" wants to start its own library, they should fucking GO DO IT. But they should not be allowed to vandalize a building, destroy its books, and act all confrontational and intimidating towards peaceful feminists. I'll say it once more, with feeling: Trolls like the ones who make up "GAG" should not be welcome in feminist spaces, or anywhere else. They sure as hell have no place in my world. 


And "Mason Biatch" can go fuck himself sideways.

Friday, January 20, 2017

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE COMPLACENT 






All images above from The New Yorker, except for this one right here:  

(I was messing around with the Photo Editor app last night.) 

Monday, January 16, 2017

COUNTDOWN TO D-DAY


You know how Herr Cheeto mocked Hillary for having all these A-list superstars (Beyonce, Lady Gaga, George Clooney, etc.) going to bat for her, and how he tried to say he didn't "need" the support of those heavy hitters because he wanted a low-key, dignified celebration of America and American values or whatever? 




Yeah, not buying that for a second.

Seeing as how Donald Trump was, is, and always will be the most egregious famewhore who ever famewhored, the ONLY thing that matters to him is getting his bitter orange ass sucked by the cream of the crop, the most famous of the famous, the best of the best.

And he has to settle for Chachi Arcola from Happy Days and Jagger from General Hospital

Meanwhile, Hillary would've easily scored Richie Cunningham 
and Mick Jagger without breaking a sweat. 
   
That sort of schadenfruede is the only thing that's cheering me up about this whole mess. That, and the fact that Trump's narcissism is the only thing holding him together. I mean, when even right-wing douchetard Gene Simmons declines an offer to perform, you know The Great Pumpkin has gotta be like an ass hair away from suffering a giant orange meltdown. 

So it seems that at least he's getting the inauguration that he deserves. Cold comfort for sure, but in times like these you gotta take what you can get. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

PAUL RYAN: AN EMBARRASSMENT 
TO THE RYAN FAMILY NAME*

Many thanks to my friend Natalie S., who provided the original inspiration for this post. 

Paul Ryan has the countenance and wit of a guy who has been browbeaten, emasculated and humiliated by every significant female figure in his life.  

You know the guy, or--if you don't know him--you know the stereotype. The guy who's always on his cell phone having this sort of conversation with his wife: 

"Hey hon? I can't stay home with Kaitlynn and Dakota on Sunday. Remember, I was going to go over to Dave's house to watch the game? I did tell you. No, I did. But--it's the Super Bowl. You don't remember?" *Sigh*........................................"Yes, I'm still here. Yes. Yes. Right. Okay. Sure. No, I'm not mad. I'm not. I'm not. That's fine. That's fine. I'm fine with that. That's fine. You go have your spa day with Jenn and Jess. I'll just....I'll take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese or something. Maybe they'll have the game on there." *Presses palm into forehead.* "Right. Okay. Okay. Okay. I told you I'm not mad. I'm not. I'm not. All right. See you when I get home. Okay. Okay. Okay. Goodbye."    

Consequently, he makes this face a lot....

"No, really--I'm fine with that. It's fine. Everything's fine."

In a perfect world, Paul Ryan would still be living in Janesville, Wisconsin, working in middle management, shuttling his preciously-named kids around in a minivan, quietly resenting his wife, and clearing the cache on his browser every night so his "better half" doesn't find out that he jerks it to babysitter porn at every possible opportunity.

But alas, the little pindick is in Washington where at this very moment he is working tirelessly to push legislation that restricts access to abortion, birth control, cancer screenings, and anything else he can think of to shit all over women's healthcare and reproductive rights.

I prefer alternate universe Paul Ryan, the one stuck in Janesville with a passive aggressive, boner-killing wife. I even feel a tiny bit sorry for that version of him. 

But not this guy. Fuck this guy.

   


*according to a source who really hopes she's not related to him.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016


So another voice from my childhood is gone. 

I wasn't one of those teenage girls getting hot flashes over George Michael back in high school. I mean, I thought he was handsome and charismatic and talented and had a great voice and everything, but his 1987 Faith album was so huge when I was in high school--one single after another released for like a solid two years--that by 1989 I was all Faith-ed out. I also didn't have much time for the stuff in the Top 40, since sometime around 1988 (freshman year of high school) I had followed Duran Duran down the musical rabbit hole that led me to discover darker, edgier artists and I became hooked on bands like The Cure, Echo and the Bunnymen, Siouxie, The Smiths, and early Blondie. 

But then Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 came out. The first single, "Freedom" (the famous one with the supermodels in the video) was released during my junior year of high school, and--while I really dug that song--it wasn't until the beginning of my senior year in September 1991 when I first heard the excellent "Waiting For That Day" that I reconsidered my foolish notions about George Michael being "too commercial" for my taste and developed a new appreciation for him. 

Every time I listen to it, it feels the same as it did when I first heard it at age 17. It just devastates me. 


Something I just can't explain
Something in me needs this pain
I know I'll never see your face again

Years later (1998-ish) when my sister and I shared an apartment for a few years and she had his Ladies and Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael double album, I started to get sort of obsessed with his musical catalog. While no amount of time could make me feel nostalgic about "I Want Your Sex" (I've always thought that song was corny as hell and, like, the opposite of sexy) I found that I started to take a liking to some of those old songs from Faith, like the title track and--especially--"Kissing a Fool."  


And going further back to that period of post-Wham, pre-Faith, there was "A Different Corner," which George said was not a song about the end of a big, sweeping love affair. Rather, the lyrics were inspired by the sort of relationship that comes out of nowhere; one of those super-intense, short-lived flings that leaves you completely shattered and bewildered and wondering what the hell just happened when it's over. I think we've all been there at some point. 


There is a glaring omission on that "Best of" album, a Wham song that I think has always gotten short shrift--the 1986 single "The Edge of Heaven,"--so much better than "I'm Your Man," the other Wham single from the same time period with an almost identical video that somehow people seem to favor. But they're all wrong. "Edge of Heaven" is the jam.


But enough pontificating. George Michael is gone, and it sucks. It's gotten to be a cliche that 2016 is killing all these great artists, but as the saying goes, cliches are only cliches because they're true. 
     








Thursday, December 22, 2016

"And so this is Christmas, 
And what have we done?"

Well John and Yoko, I'll tell you what "we" have done: we oops--the electoral college went and installed a reality show trainwreck to run the country into the ground. 

Happy Christmas! 

But I'm not here to talk about Herr Combover and his VP, The Antichrist. I'm sure I'll have plenty more to say about them in the coming months, but right now I'm trying not to think about January 20th. 

Right now, at this moment in time, Obama is still the president and we have a whole twenty-nine days left of his administration before Armageddon. So let's enjoy it while we can! Crack open the eggnog, raise a glass, and let's party like it's 2016 because--to paraphrase Prince (RIP)--"They say two thousand-one-seven party over, oops! Out of time."

Sigh. 

Anyhoo, here's a Christmas song. It's not what you'd call festive, but it's a damn good song, and The Killers are such a kick-ass band that I continue to be amazed and incredibly thankful that they're still around and making real music in a world where an untalented hack like Kanye West is considered a "genius" and a recycled Britney Spears knockoff like Katy Perry is considered an "artist." And the video stars Owen Wilson, a truly underrated and underutilized actor who needs to stop making crap Ben Stiller comedies and stick to Wes Anderson movies where he can shine (to be fair, they were in The Royal Tennenbaums together and that was brilliant, but that was also Wes Anderson. But I digress. Again.). 


Merry Christmas, or "Happy Holidays" as we liberal types like to say when we want to piss off the Sean Hannitys of the world. 

   

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

"Save me from tomorrow...."

We're setting sail to the place on the map
From which no one has ever returned
Drawn by the promise of the joker and the fool
By the light of the crosses that burned
Drawn by the promise of the women and the lace
And the gold and the cotton and pearls
It's the place where they keep all the darkness you need
You sail away from the light of the world on this trip, baby
You will pay tomorrow
You're gonna pay tomorrow
You will pay tomorrow
Oh, oh, oh
Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no, no
Oh, save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no, no
I want to run and hide right now
Avarice and greed are gonna drive you over the endless sea
They will leave you drifting in the shallows
Or drowning in the oceans of history
Traveling the world, you're in search of no good
But I'm sure you'll build your Sodom like you knew you would
Using all the good people for your galley slaves
As you're little boat struggles through the warning waves, but you don't pay
You will pay tomorrow
You're gonna pay tomorrow, yeah
You're gonna pay tomorrow
Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no, no, no
Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools
Where's it comin' from?
Oh, where's it goin' to?
It's just a, it's just a ship of fools
All aboard....

Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Donald Trump is a Fart in a Mitten

Yeah I don't know what that means either, but I remember someone writing that about Paris Hilton back when she was a thing, and I thought it was funny. 


I also wrote that because there is a fairly good chance that someday DJT himself will stumble upon the phrase "DONALD TRUMP IS A FART IN A MITTEN," because if there's one bitch who stays up Googling himself at 3am, it's The Donald. That's a proven fact.

I was watching a clip of some rabid Trump supporters last night, and something dawned on me. It wasn't a particularly smart or insightful revelation, but here it is: Remember when Charlie Sheen had his public psychotic break a few years ago, and he had that disturbing fanbase of aging fratty white dudes cheering him on?  

This is all I could find on Google for "Charlie Sheen fans."
Still, I feel like it's a pretty fair representation. 

And these douchebro types were all like, "WOO HOO! Finally a guy who says what I think!"

An example of Charlie saying what they're thinking: 


"Ugly wives?" "Loser lives?" Ummmm......America? Does that sound like anyone else we know? 


I guess what I'm saying is--seriously, America--don't do it, don't fucking elect this blathering orange turd. And don't you dare be a dick and vote for Gary Johnson or do a write-in vote for your penis or whatever. VOTE FOR HILLARY. Stop crying about Bernie Sanders not getting the nomination. I don't care that Hillary is not who you want, because guess what? You know who I want to be President?

I want Simon Le Bon. Yep. I want Simon Le Bon to be President and Debbie Harry to be Vice President and the two of them can come to my house and bring me a pony and then Simon and Debbie can fly me around in a helicopter and we can wave at everyone and throw Duran Duran albums and candy to the adoring throngs below and land on the roof of the White House and have a picnic and both Simon and Debbie will tell me that I'm their favorite author ever and that they're going to declare Thanks, That Was Fun, like, the National Novel of America, whatever that is (I assume it's a special honor they'll create just for me) and that they want me to help them make all the important decisions and come to all the fancy White House dinners and help pass a law that requires everyone everywhere to become vegan. 

Also, there are unicorns.

Pictured: America under a Le Bon presidency. And that's the castle where John and I live with all our rescue cats.
 Plus my pony.

Realistically, however, that's not going to happen this time around. Maybe in another four years, who knows. But this election? I voted for Hillary.

And now here comes the obligatory video that every Duranie posts on election day. But for me, it has a deeper meaning (see above). 

Because Bon. SIMON Le Bon.


"Hi guys, by the way..."



Tuesday, August 02, 2016

BOUNTIFUL, UTAH
SESSIONS MOUNTAIN RANGE
SUMMER 2016

Ever hear of real estate porn? This is hiking porn. Or mountain porn. Or...okay, maybe I'd better stop with the porn comparisons because if we're going by Rule 34, there is most definitely some kind of outdoorsy mountain folk backpacker porn (in the literal sense) in existence and I don't want to know about it. 

But whatever. Here are some cool pictures from my latest hike at Sessions Mountain/Holbrook Canyon.

Going up--my favorite part--because I've discovered how tricky it is to descend steep mountain trails

"Up, up, up, can only go up from here..."
(Yes I'm quoting Shania Twain)

This is my second favorite shot

This is my favorite-favorite shot

Getting there....

"On the top of the world, looking down on creation...."

Getting over a lifelong fear of heights




Back at the bottom and rock hunting at the stream that winds through the canyon

There are quite a few log bridges that cross the stream at various points. It reminded me of that scene in Dirty Dancing with Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. I resisted the urge to break into dance. 
I was too busy trying to stay upright. 


Yes, there are bears on and around the mountain, one of many reasons I'm joining a local hiking club. Traveling in a pack, it's less likely I'll end up bear chow when I'm but one of many options in the bear buffet to choose from (as opposed to traipsing along solo and becoming a potential ursine appetizer).


I'm a big fan of Wild (the book and the film) but it wasn't until moving to Utah that I really "got it," the whole rugged mountain hiking camping fever. My Dad was a big backpacker and hiker in his younger years, so maybe it's in my genes after all. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

I read it in the papers, I see it on my TV....

Brexit? 
The UK breaking up? 
The EU in a state of flux?
Donald Trump is still a thing?

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN


And before you assume that I'm just a typical "librul" who's going to blame the Orlando massacre on the NRA and guns....well, it's not that simple. Yes, I hate guns and the NRA and--perhaps most of all--the NRA-fellating politicians who made yet another mass shooting possible, but my hate doesn't stop there. I hate Omar Mateen with the fire of a thousand suns, and I don't know why people act like you can't be against the religious fanatics AND the gun-fuckers. See, I can hate both: radical extremists who kill in the name of their shitty backwards medieval ideologies (and I'm not only talking about Muslim extremists here; ever hear of a murderous little Christian cuntrag called Eric Rudolph?) and I--as always--despise Wayne LaPierre and ALL of his whores in Washington who issue statements sending "thoughts and prayers" to victims of mass shootings (HEY ASSHOLES, WE'RE NOT PAYING YOU TO "PRAY"!) while doing absolutely not a goddamn thing at all because there's nothing more important than that sweet, sweet gun lobby money.

But again, I want to assure all my fellow tree-hugging liberal types that it's perfectly fine to hate that (now dead) festering hemorrhoid named Omar Mateen. Really, it's okay. Look at the facts and tell me you can't hate his nasty, selfie-obsessed troglodyte ass:
Okay, being a moron isn't as bad as being an abusive, racist, homophobic religious extremist murderer, but I'm really sick of stupid people, even though stupid people aren't inherently evil (usually).

Now, let me issue my own statement to All-American Joe Gun-Fucker who's worried that this Mooslim shooter is going to spoil all the fun for him and the rest of his buddies at the rifle range: 

Dear Joe, 

Rest assured, Obama (unfortunately) does not want to take your guns. But I do. Yes, this little peace-loving, tree-hugging feminist hippie wants to take that AR-15 assault rifle you love so much and help you to "know" that instrument of death in a Biblical way, specifically by shoving it sideways up your poopshaft and forcing you to sing Lady Gaga's "I Like It Rough" at the top of your lungs. 

Then, you will recite the following statements with that loaded weapon buried deep inside your rectum: 

"Feel the Bern!"
"Black Lives Matter!" 
"Donald Trump Blows Goats!"

After that intimate experience, you will no longer have time to worry about the libruls taking away your guns. In fact, after the surgical removal of said weapon from your love canal, you will be too busy nursing your prolapsed anus for the rest of your natural life to trouble your simple little mind with issues of gun legislation. But look at the upside: You get to spend the remainder of your days in bed watching Duck Dynasty
  

See, everybody wins! 

I leave you with these truths, which I hold to be self-evident, that all gun-loving psychos are pretty much created equal.....






  



Monday, June 06, 2016

SIMON REID: 
STILL A LYING LIAR WHO LIES

Remember this asshole?

Note: I wrote this up a few months ago, but since then I've been so consumed with our move (hello, Utah!) that it got shelved for a bit. However, today--June 6--happens to be Simon Reid's birthday, so what a perfect time to post this, no? This date has stuck in my head not for sentimental reasons, but for how apropos it is that this sociopath was unleashed upon the world on 6/6/66. Not only does he bear the mark of the beast, he is the beast.  

After all these years, I still get numerous comments and emails regarding my original Simon Reid post from way back in 2008. Most of the messages are along the lines of "Saw your story on TV, glad you guys nailed that dickweed," etc, but a lot of them--especially over the past year--have been people checking in to report their own encounters with Simon.

According to the latest scoop, Simon Reid is now living in Spain and hanging out with British and American tourists hiking the Camino de Santiago, which is a Catholic pilgrimage-type trail that winds through part of Spain. Apparently Martin Sheen made a movie about it a few years back, and the trail has seen a surge in visitors since then.

Anyhoo, the first I heard about Simon's Spanish exploits was when I got an email last summer from a very nice young couple in Texas who had just returned from Spain, where they'd hiked the Camino trail and spent some time hanging out with a friendly Brit named Simon Reid who claimed to be a "retired surgeon" (hahahahahahaha--oh, my sides) who had come to the Camino trail to connect with his spiritual side, or something. He had a woman with him, of course, but the nature of their relationship was unclear. (From what the Texas couple said, I got that this was yet another girlfriend Simon was stringing along.) For authentication, they attached a photo of themselves posing with Simon and his mark outside of a cafe.

The most recent report I've gotten is an email from a woman who (from what I can deduce) was tentatively involved with Simon for a short time while visiting Spain in March 2016, but was scared right off the lot when she Googled his name and found out all the dirt on his sketchy lying ass.


Among the torrent of bullshit he fed this would-be girlfriend? 
  • He claimed to be a retired British commando sniper-turned-trauma surgeon who served in Afghanistan. 
  • He claimed to have developed a form of leukemia caused by removing thousands of plutonium tipped bullets from patients. 
  • Oh, and he has a maths degree from Oxford.
Excuse me for a minute. 




PLEASE NOTE:

It's the sheer audacity of Simon's ridiculous bullshit stories that has me amused; I am not making fun of this girlfriend, or anyone else who has been swindled (emotionally or financially) by Simon Reid. No one knows better than I do how frighteningly adept this fuckhandle is at winning your confidence and portraying himself as a chivalrous, fun, self-deprecating, honorable man. He's a textbook pathological liar who is excellent at reading, assessing, and exploiting people. Although he's never quite successful in the end--as long as there is an internet he will continue to be exposed for the vile fraud that he is--but Simon doesn't play the long game, anyway. He's not the type of conman who slowly and surely gains your trust over a period of time. The guy plays the numbers and he always has several schemes (and women) going at once, and his pattern shows that he will always cut and run once he realizes that his marks are onto him, leaving everyone in the dust. No goodbyes, no explanations, no apologies. Just a shitload of hideous LIES.



So for anyone reading this who has been done in by Simon Reid, whether he's "borrowed" (stolen) money or fucked you over emotionally (he likes to do both whenever possible), please remember:
  • He is a cold, calculating individual who feels no remorse for the people he harms
  • He has a long, long, long history of victimizing those who are close to him, including two ex-wives, countless girlfriends, and even his own parents and children 
  • He is an evil asswipe
  • It's not your fault
Lastly--for the sake of your own mental, emotional, physical, and financial safety--RUN, DON'T WALK far, far, far away from his damaged, broken, sketchball ass.

And now, an important message from Billy Joel....



A digression: this is the good Billy Joel. You can tell, because of his hair. (Ever notice that when Billy Joel got rid of the Jewfro, his songs started sucking balls? It's like his mighty Jewfro gave him all his songwriting powers. Then he had to go and cut it off and his music went straight down the toilet.) Actually, I think Pressure was post-Jewfro, so maybe that song is the one exception to the rule. Now that was a cool-ass video. I love the part where he's at that cocktail party and the lady goes flying sideways into that doorway full of milk and Billy gets sucked down into the carpet. Lots of cocaine went into the making of that one, I'm guessing. 

But it was so totally worth it.      

via GIPHY


If you have your own Simon Reid sightings or stories, please tell all in the comments (or email me if you don't want to share publicly). Keep spreading the word. Let's warn Simon Reid's future paramours, landlords, employers, "business" partners, and anyone else who Googles his name.

Knowledge = power.  

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Sometimes It Snows in April


Damn, it just doesn't feel real, does it? The headline "Prince Dies at 57" still does not compute, and it's freaky to even type that. I had the same issue with Bowie's death. It's like both Prince and Bowie were sort of these ethereal figures--almost supernatural--like it was just sort of understood that the rules of the universe did not apply to them. They were on a higher plane than the rest of us mortals. 

My writer buddy Dan Kennedy said it best: 


As shocked as I was by Bowie's passing, the fact that Prince is gone just seems harder to fathom somehow. My friend Marcus posted on FB that although both deaths were a huge shock, Prince hits closer to home (for Gen-Xer's like us) because, growing up in the '80s, Prince was "our guy." I totally agree. 

"Little Red Corvette" (1982) was the first Prince song I remember being aware of. I recall my sister and other "big kids" really digging it, but I was just sort of neutral (also, at nine years old I was more obsessed with horses than current pop music). Then in 1984-85 there was an amazing explosion of artists and albums that coincided with that sort of musical awakening a lot of kids have at around 11 or 12 years old and I discovered Duran Duran, Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, Michael Jackson and Prince--specifically the Purple Rain soundtrack--which blew my mind. 

I saw Purple Rain (the movie) when it premiered on HBO in the summer of 1985. It was so dark and "adult" that it's funny to think of my little 12-year-old self watching that. I mean, my family (along with everyone else in our neighborhood) had gotten premium cable a few years earlier, and it was a big thing for us neighbor kids to secretly try to catch "the dirty parts" of movies like Porky's and Fast Times at Ridgemont High (or if we were feeling really brave, one of the Friday the 13th movies) when we were at each other's houses. But Purple Rain was a lot racier than the typical teen sex films of that era, so I'm pretty sure it was one of those movies I sneaked out to the living room to watch at like 2am while my mom and stepdad were sleeping. That was something I got really good at: creeping into the living room and turning on the TV so it was barely audible and sitting like five inches from the screen so I could hear the movie while simultaneously listening for my mom in case she woke up. (In the event that she did, I would switch off the TV, race into the kitchen, and pour myself a glass of milk so it would look like I'd just gotten up to get a drink. Back in the day, we had to be really creative with stuff like that. I think kids today have it a lot easier, they can just watch whatever they want to on their smart phones and their parents probably don't have a clue.)      

Speaking of access, everyone knows by now how impossible it is to find Prince clips on YouTube; the only ones that exist seem to be live performances from award shows (which are awesome, admittedly), and the only Purple Rain clips viewable online are the ones from the trailer.



I guess this is indicative of how many times I've seen Purple Rain over the last 30 years (um, a lot), because there are a few little flashes of scenes I don't recognize: 

00:28 -- Apollonia in a barn? WTF was that? 
00:51 -- Prince getting smacked around by his dad (I think?) at what looks like a rehearsal space?

Marcus, help me out....do you remember any of this? I'm also unsure about the snippet with the cop car driving by Morris and Jerome. I'm guessing they were deleted scenes, but I want your opinion. 
_______________________________________________________________

Anyway, Prince is gone, and it sucks. I have more to write on this subject but I'm still getting my head together. 


(Psst...looks like someone posted the video for Take Me With U in the past few days, but it will probably get yanked ASAP, maybe by the time this goes up.)