I HATE MYSELF FOR LAUGHING AT THIS

I do. I really, really, really do. It's a clip of a murder suspect (spoiler: he did it) getting interrogated by the police. However, I keep watching this because it makes me laugh. 

*Look, I know I'm wrong for laughing at it. And you know I'm wrong for laughing at it. 

And now I know that you know that I know that you know I'm wrong for laughing at it. 

And I agree completely.

*(Although I don't know why sometimes Blogger randomly centers my text blocks. Blogger sucks.)

Two things: 

1. The murderer morphing into a monosyllabic, monotonal Paranormal Activity-style demon.
2. The uber-country, southern-fried, straight-out-of-Mayberry cops. 

I only found out about this video because John and I got the Peacock app and our newest guilty pleasure is old Dateline NBC mysteries, which I also hate myself for watching. I hate violence, I hate the public's obsession with murderers and serial killers, I hate the way society has turned this shit into entertainment. That said, DAMMIT, I get suckered in by Dateline mysteries every time. I'm not proud of it, but at least I'm "owning" it, as the kids say. Whatever.

So I looked up more info on this case. Why? Morbid curiosity. I guess I'm as susceptible as the next person. That's when I came across this interrogation video and found myself laughing inappropriately throughout the whole thing (awful) and was slightly comforted to see in the comments that I wasn't the only one. Cold comfort, but still.

First white shirt cop questions Stephen: "Look at meh when ahm talkin' to ya, son."
(The cop will soon regret saying that.)

Then pink shirt cop joins the fun. 

("Wha, Stay-vin? Wha? STAY-VIN!")

The only reason I feel (sort of) okay about posting the vid is because they don't really delve into the details of the murder and the discussion doesn't get particularly graphic. That's because the suspect/murderer sits there blank-faced, answering almost every question with "Yes," "No," or "I don't know." It seems to me that he's trying to freak out the cops with his unemotional robot routine, but after a short time it stops being creepy and just becomes funny and increasingly absurd. The interrogators get more and more frustrated and southern with each passing minute. You can tell they're itching to shut off the camera and just start bouncing this little pissant off the walls like a hairy basketball. "BOY, you ain't rahhht in the heed!" 

If you didn't watch the video above, congratulations. You're a much better person than I am. However since I've come this far (and so have you, presumably), let me post some memes I found--turns out this generated a wealth of memes--and I'll get out of your hair and go back to work and finish my NaNoWriMo project and start my Christmas cards and get some shopping done and do the 500 other things I'm putting off right now. 

 

Okay, I'll just see myself out now.

 

Sarah Failin'

Several years ago I had a dream where I ran into Sarah Palin in the salad bar area at Kowalski's (a Twin Cities supermarket chain). I've forgotten many of the details; I only recall pushing her grocery cart aside, putting my hands on her shoulders, staring her in the eye and demanding, "What is wrong with you? Really, I'm serious--what the hell is your problem?" I don't remember what answer she gave me, or if she said anything at all. 

I think I already knew the answer. It was clear then, it's crystal now: the woman is a gold-plated idiot. No complicated answer. No clinical diagnosis. That's really all there is to it. She's dumb as a bag of hammers. 

I wish a wolf would shoot her from a helicopter. That would rule. 

Sic her, boy!

"BREAKING: Female celebrity wears swimsuit
after expelling small human from her uterus!"

The current trend of "BODY AFTER BABY!" headlines that periodically scream at me from the covers of former guilty pleasures like People magazine and its bastard stepchild US make my brain poop. Feature stories like this are so prevalent I didn't have to dig deep to find examples like this: 

"My secret? Adderall and Ex-Lax! Carrot sticks and Pilates!"

And more recently, we have--ugh--Kim Kardashian (and/or her publicist) making sure we all know that she has shed every single ounce of her baby weight! And this is an important thing that people REALLY CARE ABOUT. 

The sad thing is, I'm not even being facetious. Since we live in a supply-and-demand kind of world--this is not only solid evidence of carbon based lifeforms demonstrating an intense interest in Photoshopped images of "stars" like Kim Kardashian, but also a perverse hunger for details of the strict amphetamine/colon cleansing regimen she employs to shed those pesky post-fetus pounds, along with the help of an assistant whose one and only job is to slap the occasional Pep-o-mint Lifesaver out of the "reality" star's hand should she feel the urge to splurge.

I don't mean to imply that Kardashian is anorexic or "Hollywood-skinny" (same diff, technically). After all, having pontoon floats inserted into her asscheeks and silicone bags in her chest insures that she can claim to be "curvy" and "real" and anyone who dares suggest that she's a vapid, no-talent waste of eyeliner who purposely turned herself into a creepy inflatable hip-hop-Barbie-doll-wet dream is just OMG so meeeeean you guys!!!!

"Dammit, I'm just as classy as Beyonce! Or at least Nicki Minaj!"

I'll end this post with two favorite quotes about the Kardashians (and celebrity idiocy in general): 

"Between the three of (the Kardashian sisters), they've brought the Armenian literacy rate down to 14 percent. If you handed them a stack of script pages, they'd probably ask you when they started making tampons that small." ---Internet humorist Seanbaby

"Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly."

----Jon Hamm, aka Don Draper (PREACH IT, BRUTHA!)