Sneaking in just under the wire (while it's still January).

My "End of Decade" list.
2000 - 2009

Remember when you were a kid, and "the year 2000" sounded really awesome and mysterious and futuristic and cool? Well, it wasn't, and neither was the decade that followed it.

The '00 Decade: Shit That I Didn't Get

In no particular order....

"Dick in a Box"
This stupid Saturday Night Live bit with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg was one of the unfunniest videos I've ever been forced to watch.

Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell's popularity makes me feel even more out of step with mainstream America than usual. And I'm sick of the go-to stock character that he's been milking for years, the tantrum-throwing, petulant manchild, as portrayed in Anchorman, Dodgeball, Step Brothers, Kicking and Screaming*, Blades of Glory, etc. I mean, doesn't Adam Sandler have the patent on that character?
*(Side note: I watched the first half-hour of Kicking and Screaming on an airplane. It was so awful that I switched it off and stared at the back of the seat in front of me for the rest of the four-hour flight. Yes, that movie was so abominable that I stared at a seat cushion rather than finish watching it.)

Reality Television
Survivor, The Biggest Loser, Project Runway, Big Brother, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, American Idol, The Hills, Who Wants To Marry A 35-Year-Old Failed Actor? The Amazing Race, Flava Of Love, The Real Botoxed Housewives of (Insert City/County), Clean My Disgusting House, Watch These Skanks Fight Over Bret Michaels, Drunk 20-Year-Old Pricks (The Real World), Drunk 20-Year-Old Pricks In New Jersey, Paris Hilton Is Dumb, Donald Trump Fires People, Date This Asian Midget...ad nauseum.

But The Surreal Life? That was cool.

CSI and every one of its bastard step-children.

The Lord of the Rings films.
All forty-seven hours of them.

Britney Fucking Spears
Jesus H. Christ, when will she go away????

The Kardashians. All of them.

Who knew that the (now dead) lawyer who defended O.J. Simpson would turn out to be the least odious of that bunch?

Christian Bale and the Batman re-boots
I miss Michael Keaton.

He was sexy. Shut up.

The Presidency of Dubya

And everyone who voted for him again in '04!

Asscrack Jeans (complete with butt-cleavage and visible thong)
I don't care if you're a 95-pound Victoria's Secret model; buttcrack is never sexy, kids.




Crocs
I have just one question...

Why?

Just when you thought it was safe...

Okay, this is too hilarious/wrong/bizarre/sad/awesome not to post:

A man in the U.K. is wanted by authorities for repeated counts of aggravated butt-sniffing. The “butt bandit” (that’s my new name for him) stalks his victims in grocery store aisles and while they are comparing labels, he silently brings nose to ass for a sniff. Noooo! Watch him in action as he is caught committing multiple acts of butt-sniffery on this supermarket surveillance tape. The “butt bandit” is considered armed (with a nose) and dangerous to all unsuspecting butts no matter size, shape, gender, or smelliness.

News items like this make me feel better about myself. No matter how shitty things get, I can always look at people like this and think, "Yeah, my life might be sucky, but at least I'm not that guy." Imagine having an uncontrollable urge to (repeatedly) sniff the ass of a random stranger in public. And then getting caught on video. And then having that video end up on the internet, so that every asshole (heh) with a computer can watch endless clips of you nose-deep in some grocery store clerk's butt.

Now, don't you feel better?