MEANWHILE, IN THE NEWSPAPERS.COM ARCHIVE: 
Perverts and Flashers and Drugs, Oh My!

April 15, 1982 was evidently a busy day for sexual deviants in Ferdinand, Indiana. One creeper was seen kissing children at the Ferdinand Elementary playground. A few blocks away, another guy appeared to be stalking a local housewife. And finally, over at the high school, a dude clad only in a jockstrap was exposing his naughty bits to the girls' tennis team.  

I love how colloquially this article is written. "Give the girls a show"? "Bent over for a rear view"? "Playing with himself"? Absolutely no pussyfooting around with vagaries like "committing a lewd act," and such. I applaud that choice. Sometimes, it's good to be blunt. 

I do take umbrage with the author's assertion that "these incidents turned out to be harmless." I mean sure, no one was kidnapped or killed, but I wouldn't call a mental case running around a school playground kissing small children "harmless," or, for that matter, some degenerate incel in a jockstrap flashing his dick and asshole at teenage girls. 

Looking at stuff like this, it's easy to see how my fellow GenXers, free-range kids raised by the "Eh, you'll be fine," school of child-rearing, went on to become hyper-vigilant control freaks once they had children. While I am eternally grateful that I grew up before helicopter parenting was a thing, still, I understand how and why it came about. 

We've seen and heard some shit, y'all.        

Speaking of some shit, this little item is from the July 29, 1982 edition of The Ferdinand News:

Heheheheheheheh, "marijuana trip." I kinda want to read Dr. Curt Scarborough's Basics on Abused Drugs, because anti-drug literature from the 1970s and '80s is a hoot! It's often peppered with phrases like "smoking grass" (I love it when old people call it "grass"!) and "all hopped up on the dope." Totally reminds me of the scene in Better Off Dead where Lane's dad, reading from a book titled Youth and the Drug Explosion, attempts to "rap" with his son.    

Of course, seeing as it was 1982, the warnings in Dr. Scarborough's book would soon be rendered obsolete on the day Nancy Reagan launched her "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign. Sure, people scoffed at the time, but you know what? Her efforts totally paid off. She single-handedly eradicated all drug abuse and addiction in the United States. Everyone immediately quit doing everything all at once. Kids started going to church and doing their homework instead of smoking doobs and hanging at the arcade. Strung-out yuppies flushed all their cocaine down the crapper and drank herbal tea. Famous punk artists quit heroin en masse and joined various religious orders. It's all completely true. 

So hey -- thanks, Nance!

The '80s were a trip, man.

 GONNA PUT IT IN THE WANT ADS!

Hot damn, I dig this song. It really "slaps," as the young people say.

Recently I was paging through a couple Rolling Stone issues I held on to from the early nineties. One of them is the July 11, 1991 edition featuring Rod Stewart and Rachel Hunter on the cover (incidentally, I had this cover pinned to my dorm room bulletin board my senior year of high school, alongside a Mickey Rourke calendar--hey, it was 1991).

Early '90s fashion wasn't the best, but I do miss the vibrant colors.

I loathe all the beiges and greys and muted tones of today.
 

The other RS issue I saved from that era is the one with Beavis and Butthead on the cover, dated August 19, 1993, my 20th birthday, thankyouverymuch. 

Yes, I kept this one, too. What can I say? My sense of humor is very refined.

I love vintage Rolling Stone. The interviews, the political commentary, the endless Joe Camel cigarette ads....but my favorite section just might be the classifieds. Man, you could find the goofiest, most random shit in the back of magazines during the pre-internet days. 

Without further ado, here are some of my favorite classified ads compiled from the two issues above.

Putting the "ASS" in Classified! I love that "Lusty audio tales of Good, Clean SIN" 

is listed along with that KNOW GOD PERSONALLY ad. 

Come to think of it, $3.99 seems like quite a bargain 

for a book that promises to "change your life forever." 

More bang for your buck than Dianetics, anyway.

Not sure what the hell ECKANKAR is, but at least their brochure is free.

That's more than you can say for HOT LIVE GIRLS and HOT GAY TALK.

How much do I love that an ad touting "Unfulfilled fantasies explored" 

is listed under the SELF IMPROVEMENT banner? Well, a lot.

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES! Is it me, or does that address painting turnkey business 

up there sound almost legit? More so than starting your own travel agency at home. 

That one's gotta be a scam.

I'm thinking that you'd have to be pretty bored to call the DIAL-AN-INSULT line.

Like, so bored you're practically dead. 

Of course, it's the PICKING UP GIRLS ad that stands out here. 

"Video with attractive girls revealing secrets and showing you what works!"

"Why should some guys get all the girls!" 

(I am 100% sure 'Cybernetics' is a legitimate business and the girl-getting techniques 

advertised on the video are completely and totally effective. 

Too bad the errant exclamation point ruins its credibility.)

This MISCELLANY section is, like, really miscellaneous. 

Relationship tips, a Grateful Dead hotline (in Crystal Bay, Nevada! Hey, I've been there!), 

a gay dating service, Radio Caroline tapes, 

and WICCAN WISDOM, STRENGTH AND POWER 

from "Gavin & Yvonne." 

There it is, that VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS sticker! 

I ordered one of those and stuck it on the bumper 

of my 1988 Toyota Corolla back in the day. 

Most people who noticed it found the sentiment hilarious, 

but some folks totally didn't get it. 

One lady followed me into a Kroger in Carmel to ask me what it meant. 

I tried to explain the joke....really though, how the hell do you explain it 

to someone who doesn't get the "whirled peas" pun in the first place?

I think I just confused her even more.  

So much to say about this one. First of all, SHIRT NOT CENSORED! 

But if "FUCK" is too risque, you can order the also available, 

PG-rated "SHUT THE HELL UP" version. But why would you? 

Don't half-ass it, dude. The design is in 3-D....whatever that meant 

in the early nineties....so you might as well go balls-to-the-wall, F-bombs away!

Also it comes in NEON, because of course it does! 

Oooh! Here are some even shoddier T-shirt designs! 

BART KILLED KENNEDY (?) and DO THE NASTY.

Also, BEER IS FOOD--BUSH SUCKS--WHO CARES--SHUT UP.

Hey, do you think The Underground T-Shirt Factory is still in business?

'Cause I'm ready to order! 

Okay....I really have no idea. 

I heart explosions? And, uh, waves? 

And SEX. Well, at least that one is clear.

I appreciate the anti-Rush Limbaugh sentiment, but what the hell is that drawing?

Is Rush sucking on a lawn dart? Taking a giant hit off a weirdly shaped bong? 

So many questions. 

But the "This is your cat on crack" shirt? I'd legit wear that. 

It's completely bizarre and no one would get the joke today, but I don't care. 

It's brilliant in its randomness and I must have it.