Oh God, don't get me started on my midterm election anxiety. As much as the media has been hinting around about the "blue wave" that could be coming (hmm, when have we heard that one before?) and the Dems possibly flipping the House and Senate....I'll believe it when I see it. I used to be lowkey optimistic about such things, but--as Madonna once sang--I've learned my lesson well.

Regardless, VOTE in this election, people! VOTE EARLY! Come on, do it! GO NOW!

Well, go in a few minutes. Read this post first, for I come here today not to preach, but to amuse. And this story is definitely amusing. It's also from the right-wing, Murdoch-owned New York Post. However, to avoid giving that rag more clicks, I've copied and pasted all the pertinent details below, including an image of the offending item from the article.

Talk about a buzzkill.

A furious California father said his family vacation to Central Florida theme parks was “ruined” after his 3-year-old daughter found a sex toy in their condo — and he claims the resort barely took the shocking discovery seriously.

Mike Gross and his family had booked a four-day stay at Holiday Inn Club Vacations’ Orange Lake Resort in Kissimmee.

"It looked great, had good reviews — that’s why it was so shocking,” Mike Gross told The Post.

On the second night, Gross said his little girl walked up behind him with a “present” she found in a drawer.

It was a six-inch vibrator.

Okay, stop. First of all, that thing pictured below may technically be a vibrator, in that it vibrates (see the USB cord attached), but it's obviously not your basic straightforward bedroom toy that most people likely envision when they think "vibrator." This particular apparatus definitely seems designed for something more specific, if you catch my drift. Possibly a massager for the prostate or the G-spot. But whatever. Maybe I'm just being pedantic.

Gross said he was horrified by the discovery but calmly scrubbed his daughter’s hands — and then his own.

I'm middle-aged and my vision is going, so I first read that sentence above as "Gross said he was hornified by the discovery."

After he and wife put their daughter and 5-year-old son to bed, they quickly searched the condo for any other adult playthings.

Gross called the front desk and said he was told someone would contact him immediately.

But nobody did.

Stunned, he tried to hook up with management again.

By the next day, he still hadn’t heard a peep from staff — and started to suspect he was getting screwed.

You know, as much as I loathe the New York Post, I do appreciate the writer's snark. "Buzzkill," "tried to hook up," "getting screwed"? Bravo, madam.   

“At first we were laughing about it, trying to have a sense of humor,” Gross said. “What made me so mad was their total lack of concern.”

The next day at Disney World was not the experience Gross had dreamed about.

“I couldn’t enjoy myself,” he said. The hotel was “ignoring a potential biohazard. How can they not care?”

Uh-huh. Let me translate that: "At first we thought it was hilarious when little Maddysyn wandered into the room holding a sex toy, but eventually the hamster wheel in my brain started turning and I said to my wife, 'Hey honey, potential payday!'" 

Later, Gross went to the lobby, slammed the dirty sex toy on the desk and loudly demanded answers.

“By that time I was so mad I was shaking,” he said. “Everyone was staring. You could have heard a pin drop.”

Gross said he saw a manager, but got a decidedly limp response.

Dude didn't appreciate a limp response. He likes his responses rock hard. Also, "slammed the dirty sex toy on the desk and loudly demanded answers"? MARY! What a drama queen! 

Three weeks passed before the resort responded with an offer of $1,300 — on the condition that he not post reviews, speak about the “incident” or contact government agencies.

“No way I was taking that deal,” he said.

So he went screeching to the tabloids and got a better deal! Hey, they don't call it checkbook journalism for nothing. 

Instead, he took his daughter to a doctor for testing.

Oh, for fuck's sake. What exactly were they testing for? Didn't he say he washed the kid's hands immediately? This is such an obvious cash grab. Dad's still got dollar signs in his eyes, and he's laying the groundwork for one of the most bullshit lawsuits ever.  

“Everyone makes mistakes,” Gross said. “But ignore the situation and the potential danger, now you’re gonna have a pissed-off dad. Holiday Inn will never get my business again." 

Right. I'm sure each and every front desk staff member of each and every Holiday Inn around the globe is observing an International Day of Mourning to grieve the loss of your patronage, sir.

Also? A sex toy seems pretty damned pedestrian, as far as things you could potentially find in a Florida hotel room. Seriously. 

Anyway, the whole thing reminds me of that scene in Parenthood where, during a family gathering at Dianne Wiest's house, the power goes out, everyone is fumbling around in the dark, and Steve Martin gets ahold of what he thinks is a flashlight. Then the lights go back on.

"Mommy, what was that?" 

"It was....an electric ear cleaner."

Just an aside: I can't get over how much Mary Steenbergen looks like my mother did at the time! In 1989, Mom had the same hairstyle (perm, color, and length), same petite build, and similar facial features. It's making me all verklempt!

Go hug your moms, everyone. And don't forget to vote.

 Election Days of Yore: 

A Retrospective of the Last 20 Years

Presidential only -- I'm not counting the mid-term elections.

 2004 -- This was the year I learned a valuable lesson -- don't listen to the echo chamber. Take any predictions with a grain of salt huge fucking barrel of salt. Huge.

I was living in my studio apartment in St. Paul and working at the temple. I was pretty psyched as Election Day approached, because I thought G-Dubs would be defeated. All my friends and coworkers seemed sure of it. They were all like, "Yeah, Kerry's got this. Let's face it, everyone is sick of this Bush/Cheney bullshit." I knew exactly one person who was voting for Dubya (a single-issue voter whose issue was Israel), and even she thought that Kerry probably had it in the bag. That's what the mood was like in Minnesota; nobody really thought Bush would get in again. 

Election Day came, and it was clear early on that Bush was ahead. I was flabbergasted. "But....but....what about the war no one wanted? The phantom WMDs? Bush is an idiot! Cheney is evil! I thought we were all on the same page? Hello?" 

I went home that day and didn't bother to turn on the news. Instead I smoked some herb and watched a DVD I'd checked out from the library, Novocaine, a black comedy starring Steve Martin as a dentist and Helena Bonham Carter basically reprising her character from Fight Club. It was a distraction. When the movie was over, I switched on PBS to see that Bush was fucking winning the election. I was beyond bummed, so I decided to watch Novocaine again. (I didn't have cable, so PBS was pretty much the only station that came in on the antennae. Needless to say, I rented a lot of DVDs back then.)

2008 -- A much better year all around. When Election Day arrived, I stopped off to vote after work, then came home. I was invited to my friend Katy's election party, so I texted and said I'd be there a little later, I just wanted to lie down first. You know how it goes, I didn't think I'd fall asleep, but I did. Two hours later I woke up, like, shit! It was dark and my windows were open, and I could hear what sounded like cheering and celebrations outside in the distance. I threw on a sweatshirt and sprinted the few blocks to Katy's. As her house came into sight, I ran up looking all wild-eyed and disheveled. There were some partygoers hanging out on her porch and I just yelled, "HEY! Did Obama win?" They responded with raised cups and "woo-hoos," and I was like, "YES!" 

The party was awesome, by the way. Katy's parties always kicked ass. After a while we all walked over to 26th and Lyndale to join a massive crowd of people who were celebrating outside Treehouse Records, holding Obama signs, cheering at cars who honked in support, and basically just looking at one another and going, "Holy shit, it's happening!" 

It's one of my favorite Minneapolis memories.  

2012 -- This election was pretty boring compared to the others. I mean, I remember the jokes and soundbites: Mitt Romney's dumb "binders of women" comment in the Presidential debate and Biden openly laughing at Paul Ryan throughout the VP debate. But other than that, it was all rather even keel. I miss uneventful elections like this one. Give us more of those, please, where we're not all out of our minds with terror. 

One notable fact--it was John's first time voting in a Presidential election (he became a citizen in 2009). So that was something. After we got home from the polls, I changed into my swimsuit and hit the pool, since we were living in Baton Rouge and it was like 85 degrees outside. 

2016 -- Oh, fuck that. Fuuuuuuck that. I'm not going there.

2020 -- I thought Trump was going to win and I refused to look at my phone or watch TV or listen to any news at all. I popped some Xanax, made a cup of Tension Tamer tea, and took to my bed, where I binged episodes of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on YouTube for the entire day. I highly recommend this method for dealing with stress. It does help. (Xanax is optional, but Tension Tamer tea is essential.) 

And Trump LOST the election, just like he deserved. We still didn't get rid of him, but at least the fucker was out of the White House.

2024 -- Oh shit, I don't know. I'm tempted to do what I did last time: unplug my brain and spend the day in the Neighborhood of Make Believe. I did get invited to some watch parties, so I may hit those. 

Why this song? 

'Cause I dig it, baby.

AND TAKE YOUR WHORE* WITH YOU!

*Oh simmer down folks, I'm talking about Pence!

And speaking of bitches down on their knees for Dear Leader....

I've watched the above video approximately 75 times over the last few days, and it's still just as funny as the first time I clapped eyes on it. Here's a link in case the new Blogger format fucks with the embed. 

I have much, much more to say about the blessed events of this glorious day, but right now I'm gonna go celebrate. In the meantime, here's a cheerful little ditty I'd like to dedicate to Trump & Co.

 

SMELL YA LATER, CREAMSICLE!

"And so this is Christmas, 

And what have we done?"

Well John and Yoko, I'll tell you what "we" have done: we oops--the electoral college went and installed a reality show trainwreck to run the country into the ground. 

Happy Christmas! 

But I'm not here to talk about Herr Combover and his VP, The Antichrist. I'm sure I'll have plenty more to say about them in the coming months, but right now I'm trying not to think about January 20th. 

Right now, at this moment in time, Obama is still the president and we have a whole twenty-nine days left of his administration before Armageddon. So let's enjoy it while we can! Crack open the eggnog, raise a glass, and let's party like it's 2016 because--to paraphrase Prince (RIP)--"They say two thousand-one-seven party over, oops! Out of time."

Sigh. 

Anyhoo, here's a Christmas song. It's not what you'd call festive, but it's a damn good song, and The Killers are such a kick-ass band that I continue to be amazed and incredibly thankful that they're still around and making real music in a world where an untalented hack like Kanye West is considered a "genius" and a recycled Britney Spears knockoff like Katy Perry is considered an "artist." And the video stars Owen Wilson, a truly underrated and underutilized actor who needs to stop making crap Ben Stiller comedies and stick to Wes Anderson movies where he can shine (to be fair, they were in The Royal Tennenbaums together and that was brilliant, but that was also Wes Anderson. But I digress. Again.). 

Merry Christmas, or "Happy Holidays" as we liberal types like to say when we want to piss off the Sean Hannitys of the world. 

   

Donald Trump is a Fart in a Mitten

Yeah I don't know what that means either, but I remember someone writing that about Paris Hilton back when she was a thing, and I thought it was funny. 

I also wrote that because there is a fairly good chance that someday DJT himself will stumble upon the phrase "DONALD TRUMP IS A FART IN A MITTEN," because if there's one bitch who stays up Googling himself at 3am, it's The Donald. That's a proven fact.

I was watching a clip of some rabid Trump supporters last night, and something dawned on me. It wasn't a particularly smart or insightful revelation, but here it is: Remember when Charlie Sheen had his public psychotic break a few years ago, and he had that disturbing fanbase of aging fratty white dudes cheering him on?  

This is all I could find on Google for "Charlie Sheen fans."

Still, I feel like it's a pretty fair representation. 

And these douchebro types were all like, "WOO HOO! Finally a guy who says what I think!"

An example of Charlie saying what they're thinking: 

"Ugly wives?" "Loser lives?" Ummmm......America? Does that sound like anyone else we know? 

I guess what I'm saying is--seriously, America--don't do it, don't fucking elect this blathering orange turd. And don't you dare be a dick and vote for Gary Johnson or do a write-in vote for your penis or whatever. VOTE FOR HILLARY. Stop crying about Bernie Sanders not getting the nomination. I don't care that Hillary is not who you want, because guess what? You know who I want to be President?

I want Simon Le Bon. Yep. I want Simon Le Bon to be President and Debbie Harry to be Vice President and the two of them can come to my house and bring me a pony and then Simon and Debbie can fly me around in a helicopter and we can wave at everyone and throw Duran Duran albums and candy to the adoring throngs below and land on the roof of the White House and have a picnic and both Simon and Debbie will tell me that I'm their favorite author ever and that they're going to declare Thanks, That Was Fun, like, the National Novel of America, whatever that is (I assume it's a special honor they'll create just for me) and that they want me to help them make all the important decisions and come to all the fancy White House dinners and help pass a law that requires everyone everywhere to become vegan. 

Also, there are unicorns.

Pictured: America under a Le Bon presidency. And that's the castle where John and I live with all our rescue cats.
 Plus my pony.

Realistically, however, that's not going to happen this time around. Maybe in another four years, who knows. But this election? I voted for Hillary.

And now here comes the obligatory video that every Duranie posts on election day. But for me, it has a deeper meaning (see above). 

Because Bon. SIMON Le Bon.

"Hi guys, by the way..."

To quote Morris Day in Purple Rain

"Tsk. Such nastiness."

I kind of hate to give bskillet81 any publicity for his (so awesome that it's password- protected) blog, or his--ehrm--"organization," the Christian Men's Defense Network, but I can't keep quiet about the malodorous torrent of soft-serve diarrhea he's excreted onto the interwebs on this post-election Thursday.

Today's Jezebel piece was the first I've heard of this guy, so it's safe to assume that neither he or the Christian Men Defense Network are creating much of a media storm. More like a bit of light drizzle on a pop culture feminist website. This bskillet81 (or B.S., because I refuse to type "bskillet81" again) fancies himself sort of a Nate Sliver for the right. B.S. blames Romney's loss and Obama's win on the emerging "slut" culture. Because a lot of women voted for Obama. And a lot of those women, B.S. reasons, happen to be sluts. 

Here are some of his excerpted brain droppings (again, courtesy of Jezebel): 

Women make up about 54% of the electorate.  It is very hard to win without winning that segment, or at least losing it only narrowly while winning men big. While the right usually wins married women, the fact is that married women constitute an ever-decreasing share of the female population.  Women want to delay marriage as long as possible so they can "have it all," and usually "have it all" means "have as much hot alpha sex as possible without any consequences."  And thus, less married women and more sluts.

Ooooh, there are many things I could say about this, but I think B.S. has done a pretty good job digging his own hole here. The funniest and most telling part of this paragraph is his assertion that single women are the only ones having "hot alpha sex". Is he saying married womenfolk don't engage in "hot alpha sex"? Maybe he assumes that a nice married (Christian) woman would be too busy cooking, cleaning, and taking care of her husband and chilluns to bother with a sex life, not that she would anyway because she's not a slutty sexy prostitute whore like these unmarried women intent on having as much slutty sexy alpha sex as possible. 

I know that men of his ilk think that women shouldn't even be allowed to acknowledge their private parts until marriage, that's why it makes him feel better to reason that any woman who defies this way of thinking and remains single (heathen!), actively dates (harlot!), and uses her no-no zone for something other than birthing babies (whore!) must be a "slut." In his tiny little mind this makes perfect sense. I mean, why else would an adult woman choose not to enjoy God-sanctioned holy matrimony? Because S-E-X, that's why! But when B.S. insults single women, he unwittingly insults married women, as it never occurs to these right-wing nut butts that many married women also can and do: a.) use birth control; b.) have abortions; c.) consider themselves to be feminists. 

B.S. seems to know a lot about sluts. For instance, he knows that a lot of sluts happen to be nonwhite. But B.S. isn't your average garden variety racist. In fact, he has a great deal of venom reserved for "white sluts" who--since they're sluts, of course--voted for Obama.  

....Obama appealed to white sluts by forcing someone else (the Catholic church, in this case) to pay for their birth control, and by scaring them about alleged threats to their ability to take advantage of Planned Parenthood's services (Planned Parenthood being conveniently located in the minority part of town, of course, so as to provide anonymity to visiting white girls whose white girl friends never go over there–except to visit Planned Parenthood themselves).  This created a wedge issue in the suburban community that allowed Obama to play more strongly there than he might have if the election ended up purely about the economy or the national debt.

Ah yes, the minority part of town. I love going there. I always run into my white girl friends at Planned Parenthood when I go for my annual pap smear (and maybe an abortion or two if there's time). It's great because when the doctor is finished rooting around in my downstairs parts, me and my slutty white girl friends grab handfuls of free condoms and head to the minority drinking establishment next door to celebrate our white sluttiness, preferably with a few well-endowed nonwhite minorities. Cause that's how white sluts roll.     

The right loses the female vote primarily because so many of them still operate from a feminist world-view:  Women are pure, perfect, kind, and altruistic, and the only reason they "get into trouble" is that some evil, conniving, manipulative man tricked them into sleeping with the entire football team.

"Sleeping with the entire football team"? This guy sure does watch a lot of porn, even for a Christian. And since when does the right "operate from a feminist point of view"? (Oh yeah, that Rick Santorum. Such a feminist.) AND since when does feminism mean holding up women as "pure, perfect, kind, and altruistic"? This guy has crawled so far up his own ass it's amazing he can still see to type out this ignorant bullshit.   

However, this election cycle shows that the Slut Vote is real, and Republicans lose because they discount the existence of original sin in women. 

So it's not that America fucked up when they gave women the vote. There's nothing wrong with women voting, as long as they're regular (God-fearing, Christian, married) women who will of course always vote Republican. Sluts, on the other hand? No way sluts should be allowed to vote. And I'm sure that if challenged, B.S. would be happy to devise some sort of "test" to separate the sluts from the regular women before the next election day. I mean, he'd be really, really happy to.

Because when you come right down to it, B.S. is just another guy who needs to get laid.

Post-election day blues, and I find this sentiment extremely apropo:



More updates later, my sweets. Love to you all.