I've been scribbling notes regarding the Charlie Kirk brouhaha for the past month or so, wondering if it's actually worth posting about. I mean, what more is there to say about a toxic potato-headed white nationalist whose claim to fame was spreading christofascist bullshit and "debating" "woke" college students? (BTW, let me state for the record that I'm not happy the guy was murdered. Even a toxic potato-headed white nationalist is a thinking, feeling, sentient being.* Even though Kirk himself considered the mass slaughter of schoolchildren and civilians acceptable losses, just as long as his precious Second Amendment was upheld, and even though Kirk enthusiastically supported the idea of televised public executions. Regardless of what he said and did, I'm not in favor of him getting shot. I'm not in favor of shooting anyone--human or animal--because I am not a member of a rightwing gun-loving death cult. Just to be absolutely fucking clear.) So yeah, I'd pretty much decided to leave it alone.

And then Erikkka Kirk and JD Vance had to go viral with their public grope sesh. Suddenly, the whole saga became way too entertaining to resist. 

 

And don't forget the pleather crotch-cutters. MAGA women are KLASSY!

I am so perversely grateful to these two grifters. Amid the day-to-day horrors of life under this filthy, feral, farcical, fascist administration--FINALLY---they (inadvertently) give us something good. 

I was searching so many JD/EK memes that the YouTube algorithm eventually busted me, and I got an ad for Turning Point USA (TPUSA.....hahahahahaha) popping up in my feed. I reported the ad, but having never reported an ad before, I didn't know it would make me come up with a reason for objecting to it. I ended up going with "It contains sexual content." 

Ooooh, I won't be able to undo the complaint! Guess I'll have to live with it. Although, as someone often (unironically) accused of being a brazen hussy in my youth, I wish I'd worded it differently. I don't object to Turning Point USA because I'm offended that Erikkka Kirk and Jaydine are obviously fucking. As I said, I am completely in favor of their affair, even if all that comes out of it are entertaining memes and (hopefully) a future South Park storyline. I am offended by the existence of hateful rightwing money-laundering organizations like TPUSA. 

The abbreviation is appropriate, however. 

 The MAGA crowd just makes it so easy, you know?

*Allegedly.

 

Women of America?
Stop fucking this dipshit. 

Bagging a Kennedy might look impressive on paper, girls, but let's be real. For every John-John in that family, there are at least a dozen asshats like alleged rapist William Kennedy Smith, Michael Kennedy, who shtupped his teenage babysitter and died skiing into a tree playing football with a water bottle, and now that fuckhead RFK Jr. 

Don't think I'm knocking the entire Kennedy family, by the way. I'm cool with the decent ones in that clan. It's just that--as with most old school Irish Catholics--they breed like rabbits, and when you have that many kids, you're gonna have a fair amount of fuck-ups in the mix.

The weird thing is, I actually saw RFK Jr. speak back in 2003, a few months before I moved to Minnesota. I got together with some of my work friends from the Indianapolis Art Center and we all walked over to Park Tudor, a ritzy private school just up the street from IAC, where Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was giving a talk about a clean water initiative he was heading up at the time. (I did manage to find at least one article about this speaking tour from way back when.) My friends and I were all young, idealistic Democrat women excited by the prospect of seeing one of the Kennedy scions speak on the environment, a cause we were all passionate about. I don't actually remember a lot about the talk he gave, other than thinking that RFK Jr. wasn't a real dynamic speaker, but then again it was a pretty lowkey event in a small auditorium. One thing that does stick out in my memory is that about ten minutes into his speech, RFK suddenly stopped and said that the stage lights were hot and he needed to take off his sweater. It was awkward to watch him silently struggle out of this big thick sweater he was wearing, but it also humanized him. His lack of polish was sort of refreshing.   

The question is, was he just as batshit back then, and nobody knew? I mean, what a weird journey from environmental crusader to the Trump supporting, roadkill collecting, anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist he is now. 

I haven't even been able to read about his dead animal fetish, stuff like that is just way too disturbing for me and I don't want to know. The anti-vaxxer thing just makes him a delusional moron, as does his association with Trump. In fact, there was just so much bizarre bullshit coming out about RFK that when the Olivia Nuzzi story broke, it was almost a relief. Like, oh--just an old-fashioned political sex scandal! For once, the guy does something normal.  

I admit it, I'm nervous as hell about the 2024 election. As optimistic as I try to be, I have PTSD from 2016 and I don't assume for a minute that the Democrats have this all sewn up. I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. That's why I'm grateful to RFK Jr's "digital affair" with Nuzzi for lightening the mood. (Seriously, am I the only one who thought for a split second that "digital affair" meant that they were caught sticking their fingers in each other? Apparently it just means they exchanged beaver shots and dick pics....not that I believe it stopped there, but whatever.)  

Now Olivia Nuzzi has been sacked from New York magazine and is accusing her ex Ryan Lizza of blackmail, RFK Jr. is claiming the whole brouhaha was a Fatal Attraction-type thing and Nuzzi just couldn't keep away from his geriatric penis, and Cheryl Hines is leaking stories to People magazine about a possible divorce (yeah, she's not going anywhere), and I'm just enjoying the whole shitshow. I say, keep it coming! 

     

 This is the day the GOP has made,
let us REJOICE and be glad!

Question: WHERE has Mark Robinson been all my life, and how did I not know about this freak until his posts from Nude Africa (is that not the most hilariously awesome name for a sketchy porn site?) hit the news cycle a few days back?

"Please God, let me remember my RedTube password."

But wait, there's more! 

"Mein Kampf is a good read," the user, dubbed 'minisoldr,' wrote in a thread seeking book recommendations. "It's very informative and not at all what I thought it would be. It's a real eye opener." Publicly, Robinson has also criticized the civil rights movement of the 1960s and attacked prominent Black people in harsh and offensive terms--for instance, calling Michelle Obama a man and an "angry, anti-American, communist black lady" who speaks "ghetto" and "Wookiee."   -- WaPo, 9/20/24

You know all the rightwing chuds who are always saying, "But I can't be racist, I have a Black friend!" Mark Robinson is that Black friend. 

Right, white people? 

Yep, Mark Robinson sure is...special. The real question is, will all the crap that's come out hurt Robinson's chances in the NC gubernatorial election? Not with the MAGAts; those brainwashed mouth-breathers will vote for anyone who has the stamp of approval from Orange Jesus. As always, it's in the hands of the Democrats and the undecideds. 

By the way, who the fuck are these "undecideds?" Apparently they exist, but I've never met any. The thing that really scares me is the possibility that there are no undecideds, just stealth MAGAts who are (rightfully) too embarrassed to admit that they agree with Trump. And that's a horrifying thought.

In the meantime, however, I look forward to additional leaks (ewwww!) from this self-proclaimed Black Nazi. I don't know about you, but I'm eager for more Letters To Penthouse-style creative fiction about all the "threesums" he's had with his wife's sister and the mysterious "round-bottomed hotty" (who's most definitely from Canada).

  

 

Tsk. And to think, I was once a (casual) fan of Russell Brand. 

 

I'll admit it, I even used to fancy the bloke. I thought he was sexy and funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and I found him witty and intelligent in interviews. Then in the late aughts, something dire happened: I saw those uncensored naked photos of him getting arrested in Picadilly Circus. Suffice it to say, my crush on him did not survive seeing those images. ("Hashtag iykyk," as the kids say.) Even so, I still saw Get Him To the Greek when it was in theaters in 2010. I recall it being funny, but apparently not funny enough to make any sort of lasting impression, since all I remember about it now is that Mad Men-era Elisabeth Moss had a significant role. 

Yep, there she is, and that's all I remember about GHTTG.

I definitely stopped following Brand by the time he did that Arthur remake, which I most certainly did NOT see, because why the hell would anyone remake Arthur? Dudley Moore is the only Arthur, and Liza Minelli is the only Linda, and that film belongs in 1981 where it can remain wonderfully endearing and forever perfect. Don't fuck with it.

The next thing I knew, it was 2020 and Russell Brand was suddenly an anti-vaxxer with a podcast promoting QAnon talking points and Trumpian rhetoric, and I was pretty damn disappointed in him. I mean, when I was a fan back in the aughts he seemed so punk and irreverent, the furthest thing from the rightwing lapdog he's reportedly morphing into. And it's not so much that he's done this 180, it's more the realization that he was just a big fucking phony all along. The fact that he's also recently "found Jesus" and embraced Christianity is pretty suspect too, and yet very fucking predictable, considering that he got Me-Too'd last year with some serious rape allegations. What a perfect time to get religion! Just blame woke feminism for your legal woes, praise the Lord, and bro out with Tucker Carlson and the other psychopaths.

If ever you find yourself onstage praying next to Tucker Carlson, 

you may want to question the life choices that led you there.

The one positive spin I can put on this is that now that he's gone to the dark side, there is absolutely no going back for him. If he wants to act again, he has to settle for starring in terrible "anti-woke" fare alongside Z-listers like Kevin Sorbo and the Quaid brothers. Also, he better be able to afford good security detail for the rest of his existence, because otherwise he will be getting up close and personal with his new MAGA admirers on a daily basis. Hey Russell, shopping for pumpkins at the farmer's market? Here comes a smelly adult in an American flag shirt who wants to talk to you about LGBT "groomers." Taking your kids to school? Hi, this paranoid schizophrenic would like to discuss how to stop the Deep State using Jewish space lazers to mine rare tellurium oxysalt minerals in South Africa so Pat Sajak can prevent Chelsea Clinton from giving birth to the next Antichrist on Columbus Day, 2026. 

So yeah, have fun with all that, ya twat!

What did I learn from the uncensored version of this photo? 

That Katy Perry is definitely NOT a size queen. 

     

AND TAKE YOUR WHORE* WITH YOU!

*Oh simmer down folks, I'm talking about Pence!

And speaking of bitches down on their knees for Dear Leader....

I've watched the above video approximately 75 times over the last few days, and it's still just as funny as the first time I clapped eyes on it. Here's a link in case the new Blogger format fucks with the embed. 

I have much, much more to say about the blessed events of this glorious day, but right now I'm gonna go celebrate. In the meantime, here's a cheerful little ditty I'd like to dedicate to Trump & Co.

 

SMELL YA LATER, CREAMSICLE!

ADVENTURES IN SCAM BAITING PART VI:

HOW CAN WE BE LOVERS IF WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS?

(OR: Love in the Time of COVID-19)

Just a quick one to give us all a few laughs while we wait out the Apocalypse.

This is a guy who contacted me on Instagram yesterday. The thing about this one was that it took me a while to notice that he was claiming to be a celebrity. I guess I wasn't really paying attention, I just accepted his message request and started right in quoting some Kate Bush lyrics at him. 

Heh. I love that crazy ass song.

He's got a lot of chutzpah to call me out on a fake photo. How does he know I'm not Kate Bush?

Okay, below you can see the moment where I realized he was pretending to be Michael Bolton. The '90s balladeer, obviously. Not the character from Office Space.

An aside: I assumed that his bogus Instagram would be set to "Private" like 99% of these scam accounts are, so I was surprised when I checked and saw that the dude actually made an effort to swipe some pics from MB's official social media, like this one of homeboy wearing a scarf and enjoying a matcha. Poor Michael. I bet he had no idea that this very photo would one day be used by some random mouth-breather to try and dupe some unsuspecting soft rock aficionados.   

So once I realized who the dude was claiming to be, I decided to hop on that pony and ride it into the dirt.

Okay I should provide some backstory on my OJ Simpson comment above. Paula Barbieri (C-list model/actress and OJ Simpson's paramour during the time of the infamous murders) wrote a book called The Other Woman: My Years With OJ Simpson. I tracked down a copy around the time of that OJ miniseries--I wrote about the show here BTW--(jeez, was that really four years ago?) and it was a tawdry but enjoyable read. Some of the random stuff from the book I remember is that Paula was with OJ in the early/mid-90s and while he wasn't physically abusive, he was given to throwing tantrums and acting like a petulant asshole if he didn't get his way (big surprise there). He also either cheated on her a lot or she suspected that he did, I can't recall which. OJ was also buddies with a certain pseudo-billionaire hanger-on by the name of Donald Trump, and there was a anecdote where Paula was with OJ at a golf tournament somewhere and Dumpcake creepily put the moves on her as soon as OJ turned his back. Paula told OJ about it later and instead of actually doing something constructive with his psychotic roid rage, OJ just sort of shrugged it off like, "yeah well, that's just Donald being Donald." Ugh. Wastes of oxygen, the both of them.

An image from the book: 

Paula stands between a future murderer

and a future fascist cult leader.

Anyhoo the relevant bit here is that after a lot of on-and-offing with their relationship, Paula finally decided she'd had enough and, during the weekend of the murders, she told OJ sayonara and flew to Las Vegas for a rendezvous with Michael Bolton, as she had recently appeared in one of his music videos and had been digging his chili ever since. The song is called "Completely" by the way, and hoo boy, is this a giant gooey hunk of Velveeta right here.

Sorry, but why does he always sound so constipated? Dude, senna leaf tea. Natural and effective. Just sayin'.

So Paula's in Vegas all set to ride Michael's Bolt-on when news of the murders hits the airwaves, and in a fit of guilt she decides to return (oh gurl NO!) to stand by OJ, a misguided decision I'm sure she still regrets even though her relationship with him went down the toilet for good as soon as his trial was over.

And that brings us up to speed.     

Come on, I don't really think Paula and MB's hookup--whether attempted or successful--had anything to do with OJ killing his ex-wife. I was just being facetious.

As above: I assume "Telegram" (?) is some sort of messaging app currently popular in the scamming community, but I've never heard of it.

So below: The dude kept me hanging for a while and I was itching to just block, report, and forget about him, so this is how I ended it.

It turns out that Michael Bolton is a man of many talents; while doing a search on his name I discovered that he wrote a children's book in 1997. It's available on Amazon, and the description makes the story sound suspiciously similar to that of Siddhartha Guatama:

"An award-winning singer and songwriter pens his first children's title in this charming story of a king's son who, disgusted with the greed that power can bring, leaves his father to travel the kingdom as a commoner."

I want a framed poster of this to hang up in my guest room. 

Seriously. It's awesome.

It has mostly favorable reviews, too. Back in 2012 an Amazon user named Gail rated it five stars and wrote: "I got this for my granddaughter. Michael Bolton did a great job with this story and she loves reading it."

Really does sound like the perfect book to read to a youngster while you wait out the End of Days, doesn't it? And the good news is, you can get a used copy for under 10 bucks! Go for it.

TOTS AND PEARS, RUSH! 

Well, we all learned a valuable lesson last week when Kobe Bryant decided he was too important to drive in LA traffic: if a rich male celebrity of a certain caliber buys the farm in a "tragic" manner, the great unwashed are absolutely not to bring up details that paint a less than saintly picture of the recently deceased. I mean seriously people, have you no decency? THE MAN HAD DAUGHTERS FOR FUCK SAKE!!! THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!! 

So I'll go ahead and say this now instead of later: Rush Limbaugh is a rancid piece of shit. See, he's still alive, so I can say that. 

I never listened to Rush Limbaugh, but I know enough about his type of "humor." Here's a little taste. 

WARNING: the following footage features acres of horrific early 90's hair, JC Penney Botany 500 suits, and the fugliest ties you ever did see. Viewer discretion is advised.

I won't talk about Rush Limbaugh calling 12-year-old Chelsea Clinton a dog, because everybody already knows about that. And you probably also know how he referred to Michelle Obama as "Moo-chelle," and Barack as "the Magical Negro," and how hilarious he thought it was when someone famous died of AIDS, playing Dionne Warwick's "I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again," when announcing the news of their deaths? Yes? And I personally give a whole SHITLOAD of credence to the rumor that Rush is a closeted queen, a rumor that has been around so long that I think it can safely be called an open secret by now. And don't even try to argue that he can't be gay, because no gay man would have such execrable taste in interior design and this monstrosity PROVES that he's straight because no, that's a fallacy. There are gay men with bad taste. I'm from the Midwest, I know. They exist. Loudly and proudly. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And I don't believe that Elton John* playing at Rush's last wedding is proof that Rush is gay, any more than I believe that Rush marrying a woman proves that he's straight. You feel me? It's all just hearsay. But when those sort of rumors come out about a hypocritical Oxy-snorting right-wing radio hack who goes out of his way to mock and demean the LGBT community, well then.......you know. It gives one pause.

*Note: Elton John playing Rush's wedding is also not proof that Elton is friendly with Rush or that he condones Rush's nasty homophobic rhetoric. What it does mean is that Rush paid Elton John a million dollars to perform at his wedding, and also that Elton John is a whore. (C'mon now I like Elton, but seriously. Does he really need money that badly?) 

So then, FORGIVE ME PLEASE if I can't muster up any sympathy for Rush Limbaugh. I'm SO FUCKING SORRY, but I just can't. Maybe you can. If so, good for you. 

Lastly, you know the best thing about Malaria presenting Rush Limbaugh with the Presidential Medal of Freedom?

Save your prayers, asshole. God don't want 'em.   

That it was completely overshadowed by this event:

via GIPHY

On a related note, does this mean that the Democratic party is finally growing a pair? Dare I dream? 

via GIPHY

MEMO TO TRUMP 2020 CAMPAIGN: GET BENT

They sent us this bullshit in Reno too. WHY and HOW did we get on Twitler's mailing list? Ah well, at least I had a good laugh filling it out. 

 

Should I send this in Y/N? I'm afraid of ending up on some sort of list at the White House, although I'm probably already on a few anyway. Also, I really want to make them eat the processing fee. I feel torn.

COUNTDOWN TO D-DAY

You know how Herr Cheeto mocked Hillary for having all these A-list superstars (Beyonce, Lady Gaga, George Clooney, etc.) going to bat for her, and how he tried to say he didn't "need" the support of those heavy hitters because he wanted a low-key, dignified celebration of America and American values or whatever? 

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

Yeah, not buying that for a second.

Seeing as how Donald Trump was, is, and always will be the most egregious famewhore who ever famewhored, the ONLY thing that matters to him is getting his bitter orange ass sucked by the cream of the crop, the most famous of the famous, the best of the best.

And he has to settle for Chachi Arcola from Happy Days and Jagger from General Hospital. 

Meanwhile, Hillary would've easily scored Richie Cunningham 

and Mick Jagger without breaking a sweat. 

   

That sort of schadenfruede is the only thing that's cheering me up about this whole mess. That, and the fact that Trump's narcissism is the only thing holding him together. I mean, when even right-wing douchetard Gene Simmons declines an offer to perform, you know The Great Pumpkin has gotta be like an ass hair away from suffering a giant orange meltdown. 

So it seems that at least he's getting the inauguration that he deserves. Cold comfort for sure, but in times like these you gotta take what you can get. 

"Save me from tomorrow...."

We're setting sail to the place on the map
From which no one has ever returned
Drawn by the promise of the joker and the fool
By the light of the crosses that burned
Drawn by the promise of the women and the lace
And the gold and the cotton and pearls
It's the place where they keep all the darkness you need
You sail away from the light of the world on this trip, baby
You will pay tomorrow
You're gonna pay tomorrow
You will pay tomorrow

Oh, oh, oh
Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no, no
Oh, save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no, no
I want to run and hide right now

Avarice and greed are gonna drive you over the endless sea
They will leave you drifting in the shallows
Or drowning in the oceans of history
Traveling the world, you're in search of no good
But I'm sure you'll build your Sodom like you knew you would
Using all the good people for your galley slaves
As you're little boat struggles through the warning waves, but you don't pay

You will pay tomorrow
You're gonna pay tomorrow, yeah
You're gonna pay tomorrow

Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools, no, no, no
Save me, save me from tomorrow
I don't want to sail with this ship of fools
Where's it comin' from?
Oh, where's it goin' to?
It's just a, it's just a ship of fools

All aboard....

I read it in the papers, I see it on my TV....

Brexit? 

The UK breaking up? 

The EU in a state of flux?

Donald Trump is still a thing?

NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN

And before you assume that I'm just a typical "librul" who's going to blame the Orlando massacre on the NRA and guns....well, it's not that simple. Yes, I hate guns and the NRA and--perhaps most of all--the NRA-fellating politicians who made yet another mass shooting possible, but my hate doesn't stop there. I hate Omar Mateen with the fire of a thousand suns, and I don't know why people act like you can't be against the religious fanatics AND the gun-fuckers. See, I can hate both: radical extremists who kill in the name of their shitty backwards medieval ideologies (and I'm not only talking about Muslim extremists here; ever hear of a murderous little Christian cuntrag called Eric Rudolph?) and I--as always--despise Wayne LaPierre and ALL of his whores in Washington who issue statements sending "thoughts and prayers" to victims of mass shootings (HEY ASSHOLES, WE'RE NOT PAYING YOU TO "PRAY"!) while doing absolutely not a goddamn thing at all because there's nothing more important than that sweet, sweet gun lobby money.

But again, I want to assure all my fellow tree-hugging liberal types that it's perfectly fine to hate that (now dead) festering hemorrhoid named Omar Mateen. Really, it's okay. Look at the facts and tell me you can't hate his nasty, selfie-obsessed troglodyte ass:

• He was a sociopathic bully in elementary school 
• He was a wife beater
• He was a racist
• He was a homophobe (and probably closeted)
• He claimed to sympathize with ISIS, Hezbollah, AND Al Qaeda, which meant that....
• He was not only a religious extremist, he didn't even understand that these groups are all opposed to one another, meaning...
• He was a huge fucking moron 

Okay, being a moron isn't as bad as being an abusive, racist, homophobic religious extremist murderer, but I'm really sick of stupid people, even though stupid people aren't inherently evil (usually).

Now, let me issue my own statement to All-American Joe Gun-Fucker who's worried that this Mooslim shooter is going to spoil all the fun for him and the rest of his buddies at the rifle range: 

Dear Joe, 

Rest assured, Obama (unfortunately) does not want to take your guns. But I do. Yes, this little peace-loving, tree-hugging feminist hippie wants to take that AR-15 assault rifle you love so much and help you to "know" that instrument of death in a Biblical way, specifically by shoving it sideways up your poopshaft and forcing you to sing Lady Gaga's "I Like It Rough" at the top of your lungs. 

Then, you will recite the following statements with that loaded weapon buried deep inside your rectum: 

"Feel the Bern!"

"Black Lives Matter!" 

"Donald Trump Blows Goats!"

After that intimate experience, you will no longer have time to worry about the libruls taking away your guns. In fact, after the surgical removal of said weapon from your love canal, you will be too busy nursing your prolapsed anus for the rest of your natural life to trouble your simple little mind with issues of gun legislation. But look at the upside: You get to spend the remainder of your days in bed watching Duck Dynasty! 

  

See, everybody wins! 

I leave you with these truths, which I hold to be self-evident, that all gun-loving psychos are pretty much created equal.....