And if you have five seconds to spare, I'll tell you the story of my life...
Saturday, April 11, 2020
KEITH OLSEN
1945 - 2020
Last May I got the chance to hang out with Keith Olsen at his home in Genoa (Nevada, not Italy). My friend Pat was close with Keith and his wife, and I tagged along when she and her boyfriend Frank stopped by to see them one beautiful sunny afternoon.
I was so fortunate to have the opportunity to meet Keith. I got to see his home recording studio that featured a wall of artists he's worked with: Rick Springfield (Keith produced "Jessie's Girl"), Fleetwood Mac, Journey, Pat Benatar, Foreigner, Heart, Ozzy Osbourne, Whitesnake, The Grateful Dead, and countless others. Anytime you tune into one of the classic rock stations on Sirius, you're almost guaranteed to hear something Keith produced.
The four of us hung out in his living room, drank some iced tea and listened to Keith reminisce. I was full of questions, of course, and Keith had some really amazing stories about his years in the music business.
Just before we headed back to Tahoe, Keith called us all outside so we could help him feed the deer that had shown up at his property for their daily snacks. All these deer, just hanging out in his yard. He handed us some buckets of whatever he fed them (deer chow?) and about a dozen of these little cuties gathered around us, waiting patiently for their treats.
It was a magical afternoon.
Keith passed away at his home last month at the age of 74. Cardiac arrest. He is survived by his wife Janice, three children, and two grandchildren. You can read his NYT obit here.
Rest in peace, dude. You are a fucking legend.
Monday, March 30, 2020
ADVENTURES IN SCAM BAITING PART VI:
HOW CAN WE BE LOVERS IF WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS?
(OR: Love in the Time of COVID-19)
Just a quick one to give us all a few laughs while we wait out the Apocalypse.
This is a guy who contacted me on Instagram yesterday. The thing about this one was that it took me a while to notice that he was claiming to be a celebrity. I guess I wasn't really paying attention, I just accepted his message request and started right in quoting some Kate Bush lyrics at him.
Heh. I love that crazy ass song.
He's got a lot of chutzpah to call me out on a fake photo. How does he know I'm not Kate Bush?
Okay, below you can see the moment where I realized he was pretending to be Michael Bolton. The '90s balladeer, obviously. Not the character from Office Space.
An aside: I assumed that his bogus Instagram would be set to "Private" like 99% of these scam accounts are, so I was surprised when I checked and saw that the dude actually made an effort to swipe some pics from MB's official social media, like this one of homeboy wearing a scarf and enjoying a matcha. Poor Michael. I bet he had no idea that this very photo would one day be used by some random mouth-breather to try and dupe some unsuspecting soft rock aficionados.
So once I realized who the dude was claiming to be, I decided to hop on that pony and ride it into the dirt.
Okay I should provide some backstory on my OJ Simpson comment above. Paula Barbieri (C-list model/actress and OJ Simpson's paramour during the time of the infamous murders) wrote a book called The Other Woman: My Years With OJ Simpson. I tracked down a copy around the time of that OJ miniseries--I wrote about the show here BTW--(jeez, was that really four years ago?) and it was a tawdry but enjoyable read. Some of the random stuff from the book I remember is that Paula was with OJ in the early/mid-90s and while he wasn't physically abusive, he was given to throwing tantrums and acting like a petulant asshole if he didn't get his way (big surprise there). He also either cheated on her a lot or she suspected that he did, I can't recall which. OJ was also buddies with a certain pseudo-billionaire hanger-on by the name of Donald Trump, and there was a anecdote where Paula was with OJ at a golf tournament somewhere and Dumpcake creepily put the moves on her as soon as OJ turned his back. Paula told OJ about it later and instead of actually doing something constructive with his psychotic roid rage, OJ just sort of shrugged it off like, "yeah well, that's just Donald being Donald." Ugh. Wastes of oxygen, the both of them.
An image from the book:
Paula stands between a future murderer
and a future fascist cult leader.
Anyhoo the relevant bit here is that after a lot of on-and-offing with their relationship, Paula finally decided she'd had enough and, during the weekend of the murders, she told OJ sayonara and flew to Las Vegas for a rendezvous with Michael Bolton, as she had recently appeared in one of his music videos and had been digging his chili ever since. The song is called "Completely" by the way, and hoo boy, is this a giant gooey hunk of Velveeta right here.
Sorry, but why does he always sound so constipated? Dude, senna leaf tea. Natural and effective. Just sayin'.
So Paula's in Vegas all set to ride Michael's Bolt-on when news of the murders hits the airwaves, and in a fit of guilt she decides to return (oh gurl NO!) to stand by OJ, a misguided decision I'm sure she still regrets even though her relationship with him went down the toilet for good as soon as his trial was over.
And that brings us up to speed.
Come on, I don't really think Paula and MB's hookup--whether attempted or successful--had anything to do with OJ killing his ex-wife. I was just being facetious.
As above: I assume "Telegram" (?) is some sort of messaging app currently popular in the scamming community, but I've never heard of it.
So below: The dude kept me hanging for a while and I was itching to just block, report, and forget about him, so this is how I ended it.
It turns out that Michael Bolton is a man of many talents; while doing a search on his name I discovered that he wrote a children's book in 1997. It's available on Amazon, and the description makes the story sound suspiciously similar to that of Siddhartha Guatama:
"An award-winning singer and songwriter pens his first children's title in this charming story of a king's son who, disgusted with the greed that power can bring, leaves his father to travel the kingdom as a commoner."
I want a framed poster of this to hang up in my guest room.
Seriously. It's awesome.
It has mostly favorable reviews, too. Back in 2012 an Amazon user named Gail rated it five stars and wrote: "I got this for my granddaughter. Michael Bolton did a great job with this story and she loves reading it."
Really does sound like the perfect book to read to a youngster while you wait out the End of Days, doesn't it? And the good news is, you can get a used copy for under 10 bucks! Go for it.
Well, we all learned a valuable lesson last week when Kobe Bryant decided he was too important to drive in LA traffic: if a rich male celebrity of a certain caliber buys the farm in a "tragic" manner, the great unwashed are absolutely not to bring up details that paint a less than saintly picture of the recently deceased. I mean seriously people, have you no decency? THE MAN HAD DAUGHTERS FOR FUCK SAKE!!! THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!
So I'll go ahead and say this now instead of later: Rush Limbaugh is a rancid piece of shit. See, he's still alive, so I can say that.
I never listened to Rush Limbaugh, but I know enough about his type of "humor." Here's a little taste.
WARNING: the following footage features acres of horrific early 90's hair, JC Penney Botany 500 suits, and the fugliest ties you ever did see. Viewer discretion is advised.
I won't talk about Rush Limbaugh calling 12-year-old Chelsea Clinton a dog, because everybody already knows about that. And you probably also know how he referred to Michelle Obama as "Moo-chelle," and Barack as "the Magical Negro," and how hilarious he thought it was when someone famous died of AIDS, playing Dionne Warwick's "I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again," when announcing the news of their deaths? Yes? And I personally give a whole SHITLOAD of credence to the rumor that Rush is a closeted queen, a rumor that has been around so long that I think it can safely be called an open secret by now. And don't even try to argue that he can't be gay, because no gay man would have such execrable taste in interior design and this monstrosity PROVES that he's straight because no, that's a fallacy. There are gay men with bad taste. I'm from the Midwest, I know. They exist. Loudly and proudly. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
And I don't believe that Elton John* playing at Rush's last wedding is proof that Rush is gay, any more than I believe that Rush marrying a woman proves that he's straight. You feel me? It's all just hearsay. But when those sort of rumors come out about a hypocritical Oxy-snorting right-wing radio hack who goes out of his way to mock and demean the LGBT community, well then.......you know. It gives one pause.
*Note: Elton John playing Rush's wedding is also not proof that Elton is friendly with Rush or that he condones Rush's nasty homophobic rhetoric. What it does mean is that Rush paid Elton John a million dollars to perform at his wedding, and also that Elton John is a whore. (C'mon now I like Elton, but seriously. Does he really need money that badly?)
So then, FORGIVE ME PLEASE if I can't muster up any sympathy for Rush Limbaugh. I'm SO FUCKING SORRY, but I just can't. Maybe you can. If so, good for you.
Lastly, you know the best thing about Malaria presenting Rush Limbaugh with the Presidential Medal of Freedom?
Save your prayers, asshole. God don't want 'em.
That it was completely overshadowed by this event:
Lord help me, I watched all 11 minutes and three seconds of this. I have no idea what in the holy hell it is or why it exists, but I think I'm obsessed with it now.
Some questions:
Why is Carol Burnett in this? And was she only there for the dorky intro and outro?
If so, bravo, 1982 TV execs! That was the most random, goofy ass shit I've ever seen.
Why did Cheryl Ladd have her own prime time TV special? I thought she was only famous for being a replacement on Charlie's Angels. Was someone trying to make her "happen"?
This weird shot makes it look like she's menacing a tiny Rick Springfield!
Speaking of Rick, did he raid Simon Le Bon's wardrobe?
Yes, it appears that he did. And I like it.
What the hell is with the extra verse in "I've Done Everything For You," (at the 7:55 to 8:15 mark)? I've never heard that before. And yes, I'm well familiar with the works of Rick Springfield. You got a problem with that?
Didn't think so, bitches!
Now that World War III is about to happen, can this insane TV special just be broadcast on every channel and repeated on an endless loop forever and ever and ever? I think that would be the best thing for all of us.
Namaste.
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
MEMO TO TRUMP 2020 CAMPAIGN: GET BENT
They sent us this bullshit in Reno too. WHY and HOW did we get on Twitler's mailing list? Ah well, at least I had a good laugh filling it out.
Should I send this in Y/N? I'm afraid of ending up on some sort of list at the White House, although I'm probably already on a few anyway. Also, I really want to make them eat the processing fee. I feel torn.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
ADVENTURES IN SCAM BAITING PART V:
THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR GENERAL
You know, 98% of the wannabe scammers I encounter make me long for mr.lorenzodaniel (the Rowsdower guy). At least that one was kinda sharp and had a few brain cells to rub together. Sigh. Don't know what ya got til it's gone. I think Bon Jovi said that. (Oops, my bad. It was this dude.) Ah well, I suppose that happens when you don't pick and choose your scammers. I believe in letting them come to me, because it's more fun that way. And because I'm just an old-fashioned girl.
This is what I got to work with, the latest scammer who contacted me about a month ago. And since he checked all the predictable boxes, he pretended to be:
In the military.
Stationed overseas.
'Murican, of course.
He's the very model of a modern major general! Funny, I wouldn't have figured this guy for a Gilbert & Sullivan fan. Incidentally, I thought I was quoting a song from H.M.S. Pinafore, which I actually saw live in Indianapolis about 25 years ago (it was good!) but turns out the Modern Major General song is from Pirates of Penzance, which I haven't seen--although fun fact!--I have actually been to Penzance, which should count for something but whatever. Both are Gilbert & Sullivan, both are comic operas, both have to do with seafaring type stuff. So my confusion is understandable I think, and should be forgiven.
Yemen. Yeah, right. I know shit's been going down in Yemen for a while but I also know that real military dudes aren't allowed to chat casually about where they're stationed and what they're doing there. In fact, a lot of times their loved ones don't even have the details. I was talking to my youngest cousin when I was in Tulsa back in May. She's married to a marine who was at the time deployed "somewhere" near the Persian Gulf (he's back now, thankfully). She didn't know exactly where he was and wasn't allowed to know. So yeah, I already knew this dude is full of shit, and now I get an idea of the degree to which he is full of shit. More on fecal matter in a minute.
Carry on.
Heh. Well, you know how I like to throw a little reality in there. John and I actually were having issues with a giant bush in the front garden that was all overgrown and blocking a window. So we hired a lawn crew, and they'd just shown up that minute to take care of it. Our giant bush. Heheheheheh.
Below: I'd just seen Airplane! on streaming a few nights earlier. I love that movie.
You would never ever EVER hear a line like that played for laughs in a movie nowadays. That makes it even funnier.
Below: I quoted more Gilbert & Sullivan at him and he didn't catch on, so I guess he's not actually a fan of the theater. Oh well, nobody's perfect.
Below: he said DUTY! I always love it when Howard Stern cracks up over that word. Immature, but funny. I remember one time he played a clip of Diane Sawyer pontificating on her "duties as a journalist," and Stern deadpanned, "Oh my God I don't believe it. She's talking about her doodies?" (Yeah I like Howard Stern. He makes me laugh. Sorry not sorry, as the kids say.)
Above: one of the hazards of screenshots. I think I must've deleted one of them, but it wasn't anything exciting. He was saying something about how he liked "cabege stew" (HURRRRLLLLLL!) and asking if I'd make it one day for him (!) and I asked him if he'd been to Texas and he said no.
Onward....
Above: yeah, blah blah blah whatever. Although not gonna lie, Kenny Rogers really is THE MAN.
Above: He's familiar with countries in Africa. Big fuckin' surprise there. (But not familiar with the Toto song. Philistine!)
Above: more blah blah blah, homoerotic banter that he doesn't catch, blah blah blah. This guy is so boring.
Above: Isn't it weird how everyone seems to know "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"? Well, not this guy obviously, but everyone else, no matter when or where they were born. It's like seeped into the public consciousness.
Below: He hung in there with me for quite a while (and over the span of a few days, if I remember correctly) before asking for my info so we could do Hangout. They all want to do Hangout. It's so tiresome.
Also, "I am number 6" is from the awesome whacked out 1960's British show The Prisoner. If you haven't ever seen it, be sure to remedy that ASAP. Back in 2017 when we were in the UK for my sister-in-law's wedding, John took me to Portmeirion, this amazing little Welsh village where The Prisoner was filmed. No one lives there, and it's perfectly preserved and looks exactly like it does on the TV show. Seriously, like something out of Alice in Wonderland with a human sized chessboard and everything. And it is just an astoundingly beautiful area of the country. I love Wales.
ALSO also, 853-5937 happens to be the name of a Squeeze song I hadn't thought about for decades, and I forgot how much I love it. And the lyrics mention my name, (Angela, FYI) which is a bonus! It's from their later period and the album it came from was pretty Crowded House-y, which is always a good thing.
And that's where I ended it, with my little non sequitur re: horticulture club. The guy was taking too long to respond and I was on a gardening forum reading about horsemint. I decided to copy and paste someone's reply to someone else's question about weed control. I figured inserting it at the end there made about as much sense as the rest of my conversation with georgemorgan260, so why not. Plus I was thoroughly bored with him by then.
So I blocked him and reported his account for spam.
Smell ya later, lamesauce!
Monday, September 16, 2019
RIC OCASEK
:-(
I've said it many times and I'll say it again: one of the things that really blows about getting older is losing idols from your youth. I'm not ready for that. Sure, Ric was 75 (75! That's weird too! My mom is 75 this year. And BTW how is my mom 75?) so you know, it's not like he was 30 years old and passed out with a needle in his arm or whatever, BUT STILL. I'm so not ready for this to keep happening.
Probably my favorite Cars song ever, and the greatest video they made, IMHO. I love the part with the shoes escaping out the door.
I know they got a lot of attention for You Might Think, with all the expensive visual effects and whatnot, but that song is so overplayed. And I got sick of seeing the video all the time. "Since You're Gone" is where it's at, man, and don't let anyone tell you different. Nothing compares to early MTV. That channel was golden circa 1981-1983.
Friday, August 30, 2019
Hey, remember when I wrote about that odd little half-remembered Christian cartoon from my childhood called Jot? Well, apparently "Jot" means something really filthy in parts of the Indian subcontinent, because my innocent little post attracted a total of 63 comments from spambots hawking Bangalore escorts, Mumbai prostitutes, and the like. Yeah, I know. Third world spammers saw my musings on a wholesome children's show about an animated ping-pong ball learning lessons about Jesus and thought THAT was an appropriate venue to peddle their prostitution whores?
SINNERS! You defile Jot, you defile Jesus, and now God is pissed.
"You're going to hell, you blasphemous dickbags!"
Good thing I didn't write about Davey and Goliath. Who knows what sort of unholy smut that would attract?
Oh the humanity!
FUN FACT! Did you know that Davey and Goliath was made by Art Clokey, the same dude who created Gumby? Personally I always found D+G a bit creepy, but Gumby? Shit, Gumby rules! I love me some Gumby!
Don't judge! Bendable figurines have needs just like the rest of us.
#sexpositive
Anyhoo, what really cheesed me off about all the spam that Jot post attracted was the time I had to spend going and deleting every comment individually. The bright side was, I did come across some comments that were amusing enough to use for blog fodder. Here are a few (BTW I removed all the hyperlinks, so your computer won't catch herpes):
Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?
My name is Nayra, I am a young Escort from Kanpur. I am tall, slender, and dress fashionably. I really love men. I don‘t care how yo look like or how old you are. If you are a real gentleman and you are polite, courteous and have very clean cleanliness I will give you the best time of your life.
Pictured: Nayra. Tall, slender, dress fashionably, and really loves men?
Technically true, I suppose. Except for the "dress fashionably" bit.
I am a final graduate, i am having one week of holiday so i came here to Singapore. I have just arrived to Singapore this morning. I am now staying in a hotel in the central, i am looking forward to meet up with you all and have some good wild sex together.
Incidentally, the posting above had links advertising "Nagpur Escorts." Nagpur is not Singapore.
Our independent bangalore escorts are fully taught and perfect define entertainers. They are so beautiful and gracious than any other woman you have square with. How many men have bravery to deal all these things in this busy daily life? Now a day 19s woman always cheats their partner and treats them weakly. And these all are reason of a divide. Many of man who was dating with this kind of woman can tell you the story of tears, cry and sadness.
Wait a minute.
Am I crazy, or are those last two sentences sort of.....poetic?
