IT'S OSCAR NIGHT!
WWWSS?*

 

*Who Would Will Smith Slap?

Of course we know who he slapped at last year's Oscars, but WWWSS this year? Oh wait, Will Smith is banned from the Oscars for like 10 years or something due to his violent assholery. Oopsie! Sorry, bitch. Maybe you and the wife can order in some Door Dash and console yourself with a Jada Pinkett film festival. May I recommend Jason's Lyric, Woo, and Set It Off? (Not being sarcastic here, I actually enjoyed those films when I saw them 25+ years ago.) 

I have to say, as fucked up as the whole asinine incident was, that pic above of The Infamous Slap kinda cracks me up. The way Will's flinging his hand back makes him look sooooooo nelly, which I'm sure was NOT his intention, since he was all hopped up on that rage-y macho alpha male He-Man bullshit. But seriously, check out his hand. Will Smith couldn't have looked more ridiculous if he'd marched up there and thwacked Chris Rock across the face with a pair of white gloves. "Sir, you go too far! Pistols at dawn!"

And then the Academy went and gave WS the Oscar anyway! And for King Richard? WTF was the thinking behind that film? "Hey, you know Venus and Serena Williams? Let's make a biopic! But maybe not about them. Hold on, I know! Let's make a movie about their dad! BRILLIANT!" Oy, like tennis isn't boring enough. The only sport more boring than tennis is golf, which, come to think of it, Will Smith also made a golf movie back in the day, The Legend of Bagger Vance. I didn't see that one either, because it looked dull as a dog's arse. But Will--for real--stop making movies about boring sports. And dumb futuristic sci-fi flicks with your untalented offspring. And earnest manipulative tear-jerkers with your untalented offspring. Also? Your wife is a tiresome self-righteous hag who loves the smell of her own farts. But you already know that.

So okay, since Will Smith is banished from the premises, who will administer the onstage bitch-slap at tonight's ceremony? Place your bets! I'm guessing the entire cast of Everything Everywhere All At Once will storm the stage if nominees Michelle Yeoh, Stephanie Hsu, Ke Huy Quan, and Jamie Lee Curtis all end up getting the shaft. Although wouldn't it be amusing if Stephanie Hsu--Best Supporting Actress nominee for EEAAO--won over Jamie Lee, also a Best Supporting Actress nominee for EEAAO? Especially given the way JLC has been campaigning her ass off with her over-the-top Michelle Yeoh worship and all that cringey grandstanding? I swear, she's morphed into a character from (her real-life husband!) Christopher Guest's movie, For Your Consideration, which I maintain is his greatest film. I mean, I liked Waiting for Guffman and Best In Show, but IMHO For Your Consideration (and A Mighty Wind, for that matter) are criminally underappreciated. 

"I love that you did all this work, and it will serve you well. But not on this movie."

A part of me wants to believe that Jamie Lee actually is trolling everyone with all these overwrought interviews and bizarre antics during this award season, as an homage to the sort of characters her husband writes. 

For instance, did anyone catch this performance piece?

Gee, do you think she's grateful to MICHELLE YEOH? I couldn't quite tell. If only she'd cleared that up. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, terrified that Jamie Lee Curtis doesn't adequately appreciate MICHELLE YEOH. Does she fully grasp all the contributions that MICHELLE YEOH has made to humanity? I mean, come on! MICHELLE FUCKING YEOH, BITCHES!

I read a funny tweet pitching an idea for the next Halloween installment: It should open with Michael Myers repeatedly stabbing MICHELLE YEOH, while Laurie Strode stands by shrieking, "MICHELLE YEOH! MICHELLE YEOH! MICHELLE YEOH!" Cut to the next scene with Laurie in a padded cell, rocking back and forth, softly murmuring "Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Yeoh....."

Now THERE'S your Oscar-bait!