IT'S OSCAR NIGHT!
WWWSS?*

 

*Who Would Will Smith Slap?

Of course we know who he slapped at last year's Oscars, but WWWSS this year? Oh wait, Will Smith is banned from the Oscars for like 10 years or something due to his violent assholery. Oopsie! Sorry, bitch. Maybe you and the wife can order in some Door Dash and console yourself with a Jada Pinkett film festival. May I recommend Jason's Lyric, Woo, and Set It Off? (Not being sarcastic here, I actually enjoyed those films when I saw them 25+ years ago.) 

I have to say, as fucked up as the whole asinine incident was, that pic above of The Infamous Slap kinda cracks me up. The way Will's flinging his hand back makes him look sooooooo nelly, which I'm sure was NOT his intention, since he was all hopped up on that rage-y macho alpha male He-Man bullshit. But seriously, check out his hand. Will Smith couldn't have looked more ridiculous if he'd marched up there and thwacked Chris Rock across the face with a pair of white gloves. "Sir, you go too far! Pistols at dawn!"

And then the Academy went and gave WS the Oscar anyway! And for King Richard? WTF was the thinking behind that film? "Hey, you know Venus and Serena Williams? Let's make a biopic! But maybe not about them. Hold on, I know! Let's make a movie about their dad! BRILLIANT!" Oy, like tennis isn't boring enough. The only sport more boring than tennis is golf, which, come to think of it, Will Smith also made a golf movie back in the day, The Legend of Bagger Vance. I didn't see that one either, because it looked dull as a dog's arse. But Will--for real--stop making movies about boring sports. And dumb futuristic sci-fi flicks with your untalented offspring. And earnest manipulative tear-jerkers with your untalented offspring. Also? Your wife is a tiresome self-righteous hag who loves the smell of her own farts. But you already know that.

So okay, since Will Smith is banished from the premises, who will administer the onstage bitch-slap at tonight's ceremony? Place your bets! I'm guessing the entire cast of Everything Everywhere All At Once will storm the stage if nominees Michelle Yeoh, Stephanie Hsu, Ke Huy Quan, and Jamie Lee Curtis all end up getting the shaft. Although wouldn't it be amusing if Stephanie Hsu--Best Supporting Actress nominee for EEAAO--won over Jamie Lee, also a Best Supporting Actress nominee for EEAAO? Especially given the way JLC has been campaigning her ass off with her over-the-top Michelle Yeoh worship and all that cringey grandstanding? I swear, she's morphed into a character from (her real-life husband!) Christopher Guest's movie, For Your Consideration, which I maintain is his greatest film. I mean, I liked Waiting for Guffman and Best In Show, but IMHO For Your Consideration (and A Mighty Wind, for that matter) are criminally underappreciated. 

"I love that you did all this work, and it will serve you well. But not on this movie."

A part of me wants to believe that Jamie Lee actually is trolling everyone with all these overwrought interviews and bizarre antics during this award season, as an homage to the sort of characters her husband writes. 

For instance, did anyone catch this performance piece?

Gee, do you think she's grateful to MICHELLE YEOH? I couldn't quite tell. If only she'd cleared that up. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, terrified that Jamie Lee Curtis doesn't adequately appreciate MICHELLE YEOH. Does she fully grasp all the contributions that MICHELLE YEOH has made to humanity? I mean, come on! MICHELLE FUCKING YEOH, BITCHES!

I read a funny tweet pitching an idea for the next Halloween installment: It should open with Michael Myers repeatedly stabbing MICHELLE YEOH, while Laurie Strode stands by shrieking, "MICHELLE YEOH! MICHELLE YEOH! MICHELLE YEOH!" Cut to the next scene with Laurie in a padded cell, rocking back and forth, softly murmuring "Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Yeoh, Michelle Yeoh....."

Now THERE'S your Oscar-bait! 

I know that the 2013 Academy Awards are old news by now, but I'd still like to add my .02 and say that SETH MCFARLANE SUCKED BALLS as an Oscar host. Yes. He did. Big time. 

I remember reading several months ago that McFarlane was going to host the Academy Awards, and I thought it was an odd choice. I know he's emceed a few of the Comedy Central celebrity roasts, and I know his shows (Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show) are insanely popular, but still....Seth McFarlane? Hosting the Oscars? Um....why?

He seems just as bewildered by the choice as I was.

Then I thought, "Well, okay, I guess he could be one of those wild cards that will either be totally brilliant or completely miserable."  At the very least, I hoped he would be entertaining. But a few minutes into MacFarlane's opening monologue--around the time William Shatner showed up--I had a sinking feeling that the whole thing was headed straight down the crapper.     

William Shatner telling Seth McFarlane how much he sucks. How meta.

It wasn't to do with William Shatner. I think William Shatner is quite funny, and he's generally pretty good at poking fun at himself. It was the fact that the show's writers were already trotting out that tired "let's interrupt the opening monologue for some lame banter" thing that Saturday Night Live has been doing since the nineties, and it makes me nuts. (Here is one of many examples, if you're curious.) Seriously, I can't stand that shit. It is such a cop out: the writers are basically saying "We couldn't come up with enough decent material for an opening monologue, so we're going to distract you with a bunch of contrived bullshit in the hopes that you won't notice." Dicks. 

And speaking of body parts, there was the infamous "We Saw Your Boobs" song which was--like MacFarland's other "jokes," that night--sexist, uncomfortable, and way too long. 

In the words of the great Parker Posey: "Lick me! All of you!"

It also brings up another pet peeve of mine: there's something about grownups (especially men) saying the word "boobs" that totally skeeves me out. It's like an adult saying "pee wee" instead of "penis." Obviously I don't think we should be all technical and use medical terms when talking about naughty bits; it's just that the word "boobs" in and of itself is so juvenile. Seriously, no more boobs. If you have to be crass, say "tits."  But unless you're in seventh grade, please--for the love of all things holy--STOP using the word "boobs."

Thank you.

After that nonsense with the tit song and a spate of misogynistic jokes from the host, the rest of the telecast just seemed...off. It's like Seth MacFarlane and the weird, uncomfortable energy he brought threw everyone else out of whack. 

To be fair, it wasn't just MacFarlane that sucked. There were some truly cringe-inducing moments with the presenters. While I like Paul Rudd--I don't think he's that funny himself, but his movies usually are, and I like Melissa McCarthy--she killed it in Bridesmaids, anyway--their little skit introducing the Best Animated Short nominees was painful to watch.  

Can we not have any more of these lame sketches? Is that too much to ask?

Then, of course, there was the Ted bit with Marky Mark (okay fine, Mark Wahlberg) that was so stilted and embarrassing it made my teeth itch. 

Yes, it is too much to ask. Here's Dirk Diggler with a CGI teddy bear.

It was all so bizarre that when Jennifer Lawrence did a face plant on her way to the stage after winning Best Actress, it was kind of startling but somehow not surprising, just another weird moment in a very weird night. 

Fuck the haters, I'm glad she won.

But even after all the awards were given out, they weren't finished torturing us. No. That's when they had to trot out MacFarlane and Kristen Chenowith to sing a stupid song dedicated to the "losers." It's the kind of thing that Billy Crystal might have been able to pull off, but in the hands of Seth MacFarlane it was just the moldy, dried-up cherry topping off the shit sundae that was the 2013 Academy Awards. 

I think Jennifer Lawrence speaks for all of us....

Sit and spin, MacFarlane. Sit and spin.

For a more in-depth piece on Seth MacFarlane's ugly, sexist display at this year's Oscars, follow the link below to Lindy West's essay. She says it all better than I could.

Sexism Fatigue: When Seth MacFarlane is a Complete Ass and You Don't Even Notice