TOTS AND PEARS, RUSH! 

Well, we all learned a valuable lesson last week when Kobe Bryant decided he was too important to drive in LA traffic: if a rich male celebrity of a certain caliber buys the farm in a "tragic" manner, the great unwashed are absolutely not to bring up details that paint a less than saintly picture of the recently deceased. I mean seriously people, have you no decency? THE MAN HAD DAUGHTERS FOR FUCK SAKE!!! THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!! 

So I'll go ahead and say this now instead of later: Rush Limbaugh is a rancid piece of shit. See, he's still alive, so I can say that. 

I never listened to Rush Limbaugh, but I know enough about his type of "humor." Here's a little taste. 

WARNING: the following footage features acres of horrific early 90's hair, JC Penney Botany 500 suits, and the fugliest ties you ever did see. Viewer discretion is advised.

I won't talk about Rush Limbaugh calling 12-year-old Chelsea Clinton a dog, because everybody already knows about that. And you probably also know how he referred to Michelle Obama as "Moo-chelle," and Barack as "the Magical Negro," and how hilarious he thought it was when someone famous died of AIDS, playing Dionne Warwick's "I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again," when announcing the news of their deaths? Yes? And I personally give a whole SHITLOAD of credence to the rumor that Rush is a closeted queen, a rumor that has been around so long that I think it can safely be called an open secret by now. And don't even try to argue that he can't be gay, because no gay man would have such execrable taste in interior design and this monstrosity PROVES that he's straight because no, that's a fallacy. There are gay men with bad taste. I'm from the Midwest, I know. They exist. Loudly and proudly. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And I don't believe that Elton John* playing at Rush's last wedding is proof that Rush is gay, any more than I believe that Rush marrying a woman proves that he's straight. You feel me? It's all just hearsay. But when those sort of rumors come out about a hypocritical Oxy-snorting right-wing radio hack who goes out of his way to mock and demean the LGBT community, well then.......you know. It gives one pause.

*Note: Elton John playing Rush's wedding is also not proof that Elton is friendly with Rush or that he condones Rush's nasty homophobic rhetoric. What it does mean is that Rush paid Elton John a million dollars to perform at his wedding, and also that Elton John is a whore. (C'mon now I like Elton, but seriously. Does he really need money that badly?) 

So then, FORGIVE ME PLEASE if I can't muster up any sympathy for Rush Limbaugh. I'm SO FUCKING SORRY, but I just can't. Maybe you can. If so, good for you. 

Lastly, you know the best thing about Malaria presenting Rush Limbaugh with the Presidential Medal of Freedom?

Save your prayers, asshole. God don't want 'em.   

That it was completely overshadowed by this event:

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On a related note, does this mean that the Democratic party is finally growing a pair? Dare I dream? 

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PSST! TRUMP IS A BABY-EATING COKE FIEND. 

PASS IT ON!

This is old news by now, long since forgotten as everyone is surely discussing (insert the latest thing Hair Furor said/did/fucked in the past hour), but still I feel the need to comment. 

It's the video clip of Trump and Epstein partying at Mar-a-Slag-Ho in 1992. It was quite illuminating. 

What did we learn? Well....

• We learned that even as a "young" man, Jeffrey Epstein had a face like a dropped pie. Were we surprised by this information? Nah, not really. But still, the more you know.  
• Trump bites his lip and claps his hands on the downbeat when he dances. Did we know that when Dumpcake busts a move, he looks like '80s Eddie Murphy doing an impression of a doofy white guy? No, but again, not all that surprising.
• We learned--well, remembered--that Rhythm is a Dancer was a huge hit during my senior year of high school. At the time my friend Liz really loved these early '90s dance club anthems, (see also "I Got the Power," "Gonna Make You Sweat," etc.) but they just left me cold. I tend to favor bands that play actual instruments. That said, I must admit now that "Rhythm" doesn't sound all that bad. In fact, I kinda dig it. Maybe it's because my ears have since been exposed to Katy Perry and other varieties of soulless autotuned shite that makes this long-lost track sound downright melodious, but still. 
• And the thing that actually did surprise me? Donald Trump looks high as fuck. I'm not just being snarky, people. Seriously. The coke eyes. 

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I know Dumpty's team has done a good job of selling the narrative that he's a booze-hating teetotaler. And I can totally buy that he doesn't drink. But I fully believe that he did and probably still does other stuff, and this video--along with the pervasive rumors of his fondness for Adderall--is proof enough for me. 

Seriously, go back and watch the clip of Trump and Epstein again. You can't unsee it. 

Well, this certainly has been educational! Remember kids, if you ain't learning, you ain't living. 

And that's....

Indeed it is.

Trump is a cokehead. Say it again, and spread it far and wide. TRUMP IS A GREASY COKEHEAD. Does anyone care? No. Would this information change anything at all? No. Because we're all numb now, and like Dan Aykroyd in Ghostbusters, we have chosen the form of our destroyer.

Sorry Venkman, I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

At this point, Trump could saunter into a migrant camp, rip a newborn infant from its mother and devour it whole in front of live television cameras, then spit out the umbilical cord and dry hump an American flag.

And in the ensuing (admittedly meager) outcry:

Trump's inbred fanbase would shrug and say, "Hey, if Juanita don't want Trump to eat her baby, she shoulda stayed in Mexico. MAGA!"

Mike Pence would literally turn his back on the whole scene and say, "Well, this is tough stuff. And none of it is our fault anyway. Blame those stinky Democrats in Congress." Then he'd tell a female journalist, "Sorry young lady, I'm not allowed to converse with single gals when Mother's not around. By the way, I'm 110% heterosexual. Make sure you print that. No homo!"

Melania would don another fugly jacket, this one emblazoned with NOW I REALLY DON'T FUCKING CARE, BITCHES! and then disappear for five months to have another operation on her "kidneys."

One of the interchangeable plasticized Fox News bimbos would tweet: "Oh ho ho, since when does the left care about babies? They're perfectly fine with the ones murdered every day by ABORTION!"

And we'd wake up the next day and Trump would be on Twitter: "Me and Kanye are helicoptering into Sweden to free my homie A$AP Rocky. Then I'll free Tupac. See black people, I'm down with you! Peace off!" When that isn't enough to deflect the public's attention away from his migrant baby eating, he'll send more troops to Iran.

And then we'll all die.

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