If it doesn't fit, you can suck my---well, you know.

Tonight, I plan to do something that I may well hate myself for in the morning. Yes, I'm going to watch the first installment of the new miniseries The People Vs. OJ Simpson.

I would say I'm watching it just for camp value, but that's not strictly true. I'd say it's partly for the camp value and hopefully some unintentional hilarity, but I would also add a dash of morbid curiosity and a heaping helping of nostalgia. I don't look fondly upon the OJ Simpson trial--I mean, who does?--but it kinda was one of those giant cultural events that anyone who lived through the 1990's remembers vividly and has very definite opinions about. It was probably like the Watergate of our generation, only even more ridiculous. 

The casting looks pretty spot on. I normally can't stand to see any reminder of that Kardashian family dung heap, but even I have to admit that David Schwimmer playing Robert Kardashian is an event not to be missed, especially since there's (apparently) a scene leading up to the infamous Bronco chase where OJ grabs a gun and locks himself in a bedroom at Kardashian's house, prompting Ross from Friends to shriek, "No OJ! That's where Kimmy sleeps!" 

Oh, the humanity!

Speaking of the Bronco chase, I have my own memories of that evening. My boyfriend and I were having "date night" and it was happening on an actual Friday, something I'd lobbied hard for, since Rick worked at a restaurant as a waiter and bartender and him getting a weekend night off was a once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. It seems kind of funny then that the restaurant we chose for date night was the Provincial Kitchen--his place of employment--but Rick was well-loved there and we were good friends with all of the waitstaff, plus the watering hole downstairs was "our bar" (Johnny Whitaker's Broad Ripple Tavern--or "the BRT" as we regulars called it), so I guess it was just a natural choice at the time. 

Anyway, there we were enjoying our dinner at the Kitchen when this guy Mark--one of Rick's waiter friends--came running up from the bar downstairs to exclaim "You guys! OJ Simpson just took off in a white Mercedes down the LA freeway with a bunch of cops chasing him!" (Yeah, I know it was a white Bronco and not a white Mercedes, but that's what Mark said.) Rick and I were like, "Oh my God, no way!" and we grabbed our drinks and ran downstairs to watch the action unfold on the bar's big-screen TV, followed by about a dozen other patrons in the restaurant who had overheard Mark's announcement and wanted to see for themselves.

Of course, that was just the beginning of the hot mess express that turned into "the trial of the century"--five words that I would get extremely sick of hearing over the next year. 

Still, there was no avoiding it. Even today, I'm surprised at how much I remember. There was the Bronco chase with OJ and his buddy Al "You know who I am goddammit!" Cowlings at the wheel, then there were all the gory details of the murders of Ron-and-Nicole (it was always Ron-and-Nicole, not Nicole-and-Ron), along with the revelation that OJ Simpson--who I only knew as "Nordberg" from the Naked Gun movies--was a scary-ass wife beater. I even remember that dorky TV movie they rushed to make about OJ and his rage-y, abusive marriage to Nicole, a film directed by "Alan Smithee" (haaaaaa) featuring a then-unknown Terrence Howard. 

There was the cast of characters.... 

Kato "Wouldn't you be happy to see me?" Kaelin:  

"Hey OJ, pull my finger!"

Faye "wanna see my tits?" Resnick:

Thanks but no thanks, hon. 

The "Dream Team":

Ugh. You can just smell the giant cloud of Drakkar Noir wafting up from that crew.

This horseshit:

Fuck off Billy Bird, whoever you are.

And then there's this, which--okay--this made me laugh: 

Sure, I'm laughing about the key players involved in a terribly gruesome murder trial, but still, there's something kind of naive and almost (well, not quite) innocent about that point in time. It was pre-9/11, pre-Dubya, pre-all the awfulness that happened over the last two decades. There were no smartphones, no Facebook, none of the other obvious things that make the 1990's so glaringly different from the world of today. 

I guess it's just...I don't know...we were just all so young back then, weren't we?  

"Thriller"....The Playmobil version

A few words about this video....

This is not an entirely faithful recreation of the Thriller video. In fact, it's a very loose re-telling of the original Michael Jackson feature. It's French, though....what do you expect?

There is, however, a sequence where some Playmobil figures rise (awesomely) from their "graves". 

I have spoken about my love for the wonderful weirdness of Playmobil music videos in the past. Seriously, I can't get enough of this shit. In fact, if every music video was filmed using Playmobil figures, there's a real chance I might never leave the house. 

Enjoy.

Comment Spam ---- Why I Can't Look Away



Comment spam fascinates me more than it should. Given that it's been around since the dawn of the internet, I can't help but wonder if these ridiculously lazy, assinine marketing ploys actually work on people. I mean, it's a supply and demand kind of world, righht? Who are the suppliers? Who are the demanders? I need some answers.

Think about it. Are there actually people out there sipping their morning coffee, half-heartedly reading some blog post about Kim and Kanye's unholy spawn, scrolling down to the comment section to read witty bon mots about Kim's giant ass and Kanye's sucky music, then stopping cold as their eyes latch on to some mysterious, cryptic comment extolling the virtues of some "weird trick" for eliminating belly fat, a simple, miraculous technique so effective that "diet doctors don't even want you to know"? Really, do these people exist? Do they say to themselves, "Holy cow, this must be fate! Here I've been wondering what to do about this jelly roll around my waist, and then I just happen to click on this lame Kimye story and--out of nowhere!--there's this post right here--like it was meant to be--claiming there's a safe and easy way to get my body 'bikini-ready' in six weeks? Hey Ashton! Put down that damn X-Box doo-hickey and fetch Mama her Discover card!"

And then there are my questions about the purveyous of comment spam. For instance: am I correct in assuming that most comment spam is autogenerated? Or is some rube with a tenuous grasp of the English language being paid like 5 cents per post from some fly-by-night outift in like, Singapore or something? If you have any theories, please feel free to post them in the comments.

Without further ado, here's some of the more entertaining comment spam I've recently come across.

From a YouTube video of an old "Love Connection" episode, comment posted by a Daniel Enache:

"That was good information. I'm here simply because my mate all of a sudden turned awesome with girls. He started getting chicks magically. I found myself stunned. He pretended he didn't notice. Then he smiled and told me while he was wasted. Turns out he uses the Jake Ayres Master Attraction Formula. Google it and you'll find it... He's dating a sexy chick."

Another comment under the same video clip, this one courtesy of an Ujwol Suwal:

"I'm bothered. My friend resides in the opposite room. I'm displeased because he lately turned outstanding at seducing gals. The guy found the Master Attraction web page by Jake Ayres (Search in Google). All he's doing now is screwing women. He's continuously getting the ladies back. I hear it, which is gross and If only he never discovered that site. My best companion just signed up and got a blowjob a week later. I am envious!"

Same comment section, from another jealous fellow called Dinesh Jain:

"Alright. I'm bothered. My friend resides on the floor above me. I'm aggravated because he just grew superb at attracting the women. The guy found the Master Attraction site by Jake Ayres (Search in Google). Now I hear him bringing women back. He's continuously bringing ladies back and I hear it, which is gross and I wish he had not found that site."

Then there's this one, from PLFM (the first blog to pick up my Simon Reid story):

"Whаt's up, always i used to check blog posts here early in the morning, because i love to learn more and more. Feel free to surf to my blog post: deep fryers on sale."
 

Finally, these last three gems are comments posted on a Hollywood gossip site beneath a photo of C-list actress Jennifer Love Hewitt with her new baby daddy. It's just....I mean.....wow. "Sniff that panty"? I'm really out of words here.

"Please feel carefree to pursue her profile on sniff-that-panty-dot-com I have hear that she has many the wild fantasies. Bon Chance!"

"She is really sexy!!! I have ever seen her hot video at interracialconnect.com which is a niche interracial dating site for all singls. She is really sexy with bikini in that video. You will know how passionate interracial kiss it is after seening it."

"They are a pair made in heaven. They members on nudistmingle.com where they met and dating like their nude photos and profiles. Merry Christmas!"
 

Merry Christmas, indeed. And God bless us every one.

Are you ready for the creepiest thing you'll see today? Cause here it is!

This is also an unbelievably lazy post--it's not like it's hard to make fun of this video. But screw it, I'm going in.

• 0:16  Was anyone else relieved to see both of his hands? I know I was. 
• 01:10  Say what you will about the guy--he does a good job of not tripping over the stage while walking backwards. Are the French known for their coordination? 
• 01:15 - 01:25  Those dancers are really trying hard to out-creepy that doll. But it can't be done. 
• 01:26  See what I mean?
• 02:16  Nails it again! He's good. 
• 02:44  Even when the girls turn on him, he never stops dancing! 
• My favorite YouTube comment: "Roman Polanski never sounded better."

I think it's the effects of summer in the Deep South, but my brain is moving really slow. I'll kick it in high gear soon and be back with a proper post.

Happy Easter! Here are some disturbing greeting cards!

Image from Capnwacky

In honor of Easter, I wanted to pay tribute to one of my favorite (sadly, no longer updated) humor blogs, Capnwacky, and their brilliant gallery of creepy greeting cards from the days of yore. They called it The Unfortunate Page and it featured a myriad of WTF vintage cards, including goofy Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and even Washington's Birthday cards (does anyone send out cards for Washington's Birthday?). They even added a bonus section of Unfortunate superhero and Star Trek costumes.

Anyhoo, here are some of my favorite icky Easter cards, courtesy of Capnwacky. I've also copied and pasted the captions from the site, which hopefully the Capnwacky guys won't be pissed about, since I'm basically giving them a big ol' plug, too. Also, Capnwacky guys? In case you're reading this...UPDATE YOUR SITE! I miss it. I especially miss Zonar, the human-hating alien.

"And you thought Joe Camel caused trouble."

"Yes, the Easter Bunny brings treats to good boys and girls, but beware
the evil Easter gnomes who steal treats and bite children on the ankles."

"Ah yes, the frontier. Forged by nancy-boys in
sissysuits, riding egg wagons pulled by bunnies."

"So, are these tiny people, or are the birds freakishly huge?
Either way, it adds up to me not getting a pleasant night's sleep."

"Only big bunnies get to cavort with humans."

Ugly face! 

Ugly face! 

Ugly face! 

Ugly face! 

Ugly face! 

Heh heh, sorry. That's always my delighted reaction when I see any cat make this face. I've amused countless friends and family members over the years by shouting out "UGLY FACE!" anytime I see this peculiar and hilarious feline response to an unrecognized smell. 

Apparently it's a thing called the Flehmen response, a.k.a. "flehming" (I prefer it as a verb) and there's an actual scientific explanation for it. The origin of the word is the German flehmen -- "to bare the upper teeth." The purpose of this action is to expose the vomeronasal organ, located on the roof of the animal's mouth. Curling the lips in this fashion helps draw scent molecules into the organ, helping the animal to identify the smell. 

Cool science-y diagram

Apparently cats aren't the only ones that do this. An image search for "Flehmen response" turned up these (awesome) photos: 

Whether or not the Flehmen response is a real thing in humans is up for debate. However, I did find some photographic evidence of a certain homo sapien clearly exhibiting some flehming-like behavior...

I don't want to know where that hand has been.
(Just kidding, Billy)

Also, I happened to find this very funny post by another flehming-obsessed blogger who conducted his own flehming experiment in the workplace.

So now you know the fascinating explanation for The Ugly Face. And knowledge = power. 

SPAM-A-LOT!

Ever since I've made commenting available on Praxis, I've been getting the most delightful, cracked-out spam messages ever. Naturally, they are marked as undesirable and quickly dispatched to the great spam folder in the sky. But I did make a point to salvage a few of the more amusing ones before sending them off into the ether and I've submitted today for your approval, along with my comments. 

FROM: spanish lessons free advanced

MESSAGE: I do consider all the ideas you have presented on your post. They're very
convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are very quick for novices. Could you
please lengthen them a bit from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.

Well, that's nice. Constructive feedback is always helpful. I'll try to slow down the pace of my posts for the novices in my audience, but I can't promise anything. To paraphrase the esteemed philosopher Bueller: "Life moves pretty fast. Try to keep up, chumps."

___________________

FROM: Aissam

MESSAGE: We are a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your web site offered us with valuable info to work on. You have done a formidable process
and our whole neighborhood shall be thankful to you.

Thank you Aissam! It's nice to see a little gratitude for my efforts. 

____________

FROM: skin allergies

MESSAGE: Hi there,  You've done an excellent job. I’ll definitely digg it and personally
recommend to my friends. I am sure they'll be benefited from this blog, because the
article provided, is fantastic specially topics about skin allergies. Thank you.

"Skin allergies"? What article were you reading, exactly? And while we're on the "topic," 
what in the holy hell do you suppose they put in Ivory soap that makes my skin break out in disgusting itchy hives? I'm serious. Ivory soap is some evil shit!

________________

FROM: Iraqi Dinar (!)

MESSAGE: I truly appreciate this post. I've been seeking everywhere for this! Thank 

goodness I located it on Google. You have created my day! Thx once more.

No thx necessary. Creating days is what I do.

___________

FROM: escorts (!!!)

MESSAGE: I delight in, cause I found exactly what I used to be having a look for. You have
ended my four day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

No, God Bless you, man. 

___________

FROM: a quick way to lose weight

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irregularly glance at this website regularly.* 

*By the way, that goes for the lot of you. 

I want to have tea with Lisa Gail Allred!

This video has been making the rounds on the internets today, and it's so awesomely bad that I knew I had to post it. I can't help but like Lisa Gail. She can't sing to save her ass (I never thought I'd say this, but PLEASE woman--AUTOTUNE!) but hey, neither can Dylan and he's still awesome. I give her +10 for enthusiasm and for having so much fun cavorting with the cowboys while rocking that turquoise jewelry. Especially for the turquoise jewelry. Seriously, it takes a special kind of person to do justice to turquoise, and I applaud her for it.  

I also hope that she has a good sense of humor about all the crap she's going to get for this. And I hope she has a loving and supportive husband/significant other who appreciates her and who--ahem--observes her three-second rule.