Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Sometimes when checking my email, I get a wild hair up my ass and decide to actually read one of the thirty or so spam messages that go to my bulk folder. I know it's stupid, because any one of them may contain a virus that could wipe out my entire hard drive (or worse). However, when I see an email with something like "He lick the horse!" in the subject line, my curiosity/boredom (those two emotions are closely related) sometimes gets the best of me.

Also, I'm easily amused.

So here is something that showed up in my inbox when I checked my oft-neglected gmail account. It's an advertisement for cheap Viagra (I had to read the fine print to glean even that much---I was so distracted by the rambling, cracked out "verse" about the dog and the alien and the Itchy Foot Itch).

Re: my confitur
Arvel Harney


of cooked meat wafted out and everyone was awake in an instant.
Because I told you to. It is of vital importance and you have no
temporooter. Only they think that it is an alien artifact from the far
because our fake dog was digging away like a real dog throwing dirt
He broke off as Indefatigable came running back.
musicality-The Itchy Foot Itch!
Are we going to have to talk to all of them?
shouted at me his breath frightened me more than he did.
Until this moment none of us had ever seen the tenor who was right
huge! I dont even come up to their legpits.
from them following the others. There was a creak and a thud from

And then it just trails off! What the hell? The bizarre thing is, I think it worked. Although I don't have a penis, I suddenly have an intense urge to purchase some low-cost Viagra.

Subliminal advertising is spooky!

Monday, March 19, 2007

I am crawling out from the rock I've been hiding under to blog on some random thoughts that have been nagging at me lately. Not the kind of nagging thoughts that wake me at 3am in a cold sweat (I don't have too many of those, thankfully), and not even of the "did I leave the oven on?" variety. These are more like thoughts that occur to me while I'm sitting at a stoplight and happen to glimpse (for example) a poster advertising the latest kiddie movie starring a once-controversial rapper or comedian (see below), initially famous for having blantantly misogynistic, homophobic and/or violent lyrics/stand-up material (again, see below).


1. The white guy from In Living Color is a huge movie star.

2. The cross-dressing guy with the creepy Prince moustache from In Living Color is an Academy Award-winning actor.

My thoughts on the matter: Was that show a gigantic turd, or is it me? I was sixteen when it debuted, and even at that tender, less-discerning age, I found it big-time Not Funny. And I used to watch Married, With Children for Christ's sake.

3. Between Britney and Christina, the latter has emerged as the classy one.

My thoughts on the matter: Please be advised that I use the term "classy" very loosely. No pun intended.

4. Marky Mark is now a respected actor.

My thoughts on the matter: My love for Boogie Nights notwithstanding, I find him to be a bit of a douche. Although, to be fair, it could be residual bitterness from having to hear that dumb "Good vibrations--fresh like Sunkist!" song ad nauseaum back in 1991, (not to mention his horrifying remake of Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side".)

5. The Fresh Prince is now a respected actor. (And while I'm at it, whatever happened to DJ Jazzy Jeff?)

My thoughts on the matter: Holy shit, those jackets! They make my eyes all hurty. What we have here, folks, is an example of the worst of late eighties/early nineties fashions. Believe me, I was there. And it wasn't pretty.

6. Eddie Murphy is making kiddie movies.

My thoughts on the matter: Remember that bit he did in Delirious about Ralph Kramden cornholing Ed Norton? And yet people still took their kids to see Daddy Day Care.

7. Ice Cube is making kiddie movies.

My thoughts on the matter: I can't decide which photo is scarier.

8. American Idol is still going strong.

My thoughts on the matter: No comment, just a long and disappointed sigh.