Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Okay, I read a little blurb on msn today naming some of Blender magazine's Top 50 Worst Songs of All Time. It sort of inspired me, but no way I'm going to come up with 50 (I don't want to put that much effort into this), so here goes my list:

My Top, Uh, I Dunno--14 Suckiest Songs

14. The Bangles -- Walk Like An Egyptian Hated! This! Song!

13. Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Whatever -- Every Breath You Take (remake) Thanks for shitting all over a good song, dumbass. He recorded it as a tribute to his friend, the fat rapper who bought the farm--yeah, that was sad and all, but if Puffy was going to capitalize on the poor guy's death anyway, couldn't he have just written his own damn song? What a tool.

12. Eminem -- Lose Yourself The misogynistic homophobe trying to get all deep and inspirational on us. Fuck off, Eminem.

11. Crash Test Dummies -- Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm I didn't smoke enough weed in the early 90's for this song to sound cool. But I tried. Really, I did.

10. Toni Basil -- Mickey Dammit, why is this piece of shit song considered a classic? It sucked then, it sucks now, it will continue to suck forevermore.

9. Benny Mardones -- Into the Night Otherwise known as The Child Molester Song, it begins "She's just sixteen years old, leave her alone they say." If you don't remember this one, consider yourself lucky.

8. Color Me Badd -- I Wanna Sex You Up My sister liked this song. I still make fun of her for it.

7. Jennifer Lopez -- Jenny From the Block She's an easy target, but that doesn't mean that I can't snark on her. I mean, come on..."Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block"(!) If you want a good laugh, check out out her lyrics. Any of them.

6. Christina Aguilera -- Anything she fucking records I hate it when people say "But at least she can sing!" You know what? So can my dad. But he doesn't prance around with fugly hair extensions and his butt crack hanging out.

5. Jewel -- Intuition This was supposed to be a joke, right?

4. Guns n' Roses -- Sweet Child of Mine I know he's somewhat of a sacred cow in heavy metal circles, but I think it's high time that people face up to the fact that Axl Rose sucks. I mean, his voice is worse than that guy from the Scorpions. I'd rather be woken up by two cats doing the nasty outside my window at 4am than to hear W. Axl "sing" this one ever again. Which is why I don't listen to classic rock stations.

3. Kid Rock -- Bawitdaba Pardon?

2. New Kids on the Block/N'Sync/Backstreet Boys/Yadayadayada -- Hangin' Tough/Bye Bye Bye/The Shape of My Heart/Whateverwhatever First of all, NKOTB? Hilarious. Maybe I shouldn't even pick on them, because they went away and never came back. So thank you, Donny, Marky, Biff, etc. Second of all, N'Sync? I've read several music critics actually singing their praises, which proves that 1.) music critics are stoopid, 2.) the critics in question are twenty years old, and 3.) have got to be severely doped up on a cocktail of Ritalin, crack cocaine and Nyquil. Thirdly, that Backstreet Boys song? Sounds like something rejected by Richard Marx.

1. Hit Me One More Time -- Britney Spears Oh Britney, don't tempt me.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Dude, WTF? Where have I been? What happened?

I was on a journey. A journey not of sight and sound, but of mind. Ironic, because my mind is definitely not sound. Ignore me, I'll be okay in a bit.

I just took this cool quiz and found out that I'm a 1970's geek! It's due to my hippie leanings and concern for the environment. Here is my official geek stamp:

I'm A 1970s Geek
You've decided for the world that it's time for a change. JOIN THE GEEK REVOLUTION!
find your geek decade at

Cool, huh?

Okay, I'll update tomorrow, and I promise to be less weird.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Here are some prints from, which pretty much sum up my mood today (and they make me laugh)...








Okay, I'm done for a while.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Angela and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Movie

Woah. I just (voluntarily) watched the worst movie ever made. And keep in mind that I've seen Modern Girls, Under the Cherry Moon, Lady Beware, From Justin To Kelly, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Mr. Deeds, and Coyote Ugly (those last two were accidental). But nothing compares to the horror that I witnessed today. It was hideous. Ghastly. Appalling. Deplorable. Shit, was it bad. I'm talking about Liquid Sky.

My friend Mike warned me about this movie. He described the plot. I thought it sounded hilarious, and decided that I had to see it. I looked all over, and finally found a copy at the St. Paul Library. I wish fate had been kinder, and kept it out of my reach. Here is a synopsis of this "film," which I've copied from another site since my brain hurts too much to attempt to describe its "plot." I've bolded the gist of it, in case you're too afraid to read the whole thing. Believe me, I'd understand.

Few movies are specifically tailored for appeal to those on controlled substances, here's one film though. Heralded as a great work in science fiction and so on... ...well, my ass. There is no damn way this thing sits alongside Alien, Bladerunner, or The Thing. What you have is a great number of lifeless and disturbed people having sex with Margaret then dying. Aliens come to Earth looking for heroin but find that the chemicals produced by human brains during orgasm are even better. So they park their flying saucer, it's about two feet wide, on top of Margaret's apartment and begin killing everyone who has sex with her. Then we have a barely understandable German scientist who is studying the aliens, at least he describes the plot to us. Throw in a crazy girlfriend and a few other weirdos to fill gaps. Margaret finally goes completely bonkers, it's difficult to find that special someone when everybody you sleep with dies, and gets vaporized. In addition, her face is always covered with smudged makeup, probably to disguise that the actress played Jimmy as well. My main problem with this movie wasn't that there are aliens. Nor that these aliens were after heroin or human brains. You just have all these dysfunctional relationships between the characters and nobody ever goes postal. Even talking to most of these people would be like getting beaten in the head with a sock full of quarters.

...Okay, that's putting it mildly. This movie hurts. Seriously. It caused me pain. And I think it's fair to say that I'm no amateur when it comes to bad movies. I've seen a lot. And this is the worst of the worst. Bottom of the shitheap.

Here are some random thoughts and lines of dialogue that I managed to scribble down while viewing this monstrosity. Enjoy.

(The following is a dialogue between Jimmy, played by Anne Carlisle, and Margaret, played by Anne Carlisle. No, that's not a typo. Same actress. Male and female roles. I shit you not).
Jimmy (taunting Margaret): One day the Chickenwoman had chicks and everybody stepped on 'em, because they were so ugly. Cluck, cluck.
Margaret: Such a sweet boy, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Cluck, cluck.
Margaret: Don't make me hate you, Jimmy!

Here's more, because I feel the need to share my pain.

Margaret (after screwing Jimmy to death in front of a crowd of people): I killed him.
Random on-looker #1: Where's the body?
Random on-looker #2: Somebody go look on the roof!
Random on-looker #3: If we think clearly, this can all be explained.

Same scene--
Adrian: I'll bet you $300 I can fuck Margaret and not die!

I have to have a mild rant here about the chick who plays Adrian (Margaret's lesbian lover). I hate her. She wears an eye/sleep mask thingie on her forehead through most of the movie. I don't know why. But that's not why I hate her. She is easily the worst actor of the entire lot (and believe me, that's saying something). Every time she opened her mouth to speak I wanted to give up and switch off the movie (and that's also saying something). She sucks so hard she blows. Like a hurricane. Christ Almighty, she's bad. I really, really wanted to see her die. Thankfully, she does when she has sex with Margaret (in front of the same crowd of on-lookers). She mounts Margaret, fakes an orgasm, then turns into a wad of tinfoil and vanishes. It's the only high point of the movie.

And then there's the music. Yes, Mike warned me about the music. The music is wretched, but it pales in comparison to the acting. And the hair. And the clothes. And the makeup. And the sets. And the dancing. Yes, there is dancing. And it made my eyes bleed. I'll put it this way...ever seen the video for Blondie's "Dreaming"? Remember the extras dancing on the sidelines? Worse than that. Much, much worse.

The only part of Liquid Sky that made me laugh were the quotes from critics on the video box. Here are some of them:

"A triumph of originality!" --The Washington Post

"Smash of the year!" --Rolling Stone

"...perversely beautiful!" --New York Magazine

Okay, I can buy that quote from Rolling Stone, a publication that I used to respect before it began slapping Britney Spears on its cover every other week. But the other ones? Those critics (if they indeed wrote that), should be rounded up and shot.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, this movie sucks.