Saturday, June 27, 2009

And they say all the good ones are taken...

I can't stop giggling about this.

It was posted on two days ago, just hours before the news of Michael Jackson's death broke. Gawker routinely posts oddball findings from the internet. I don't know who has the time or inclination to dig these people up, but I gotta hand it to them--this one's a doozy. Single ladies, take note! Mark is a high school physics teacher looking for love. Are you the Goddess he seeks?

Here are some of the attributes his Goddess is required to possess (see my comments in italics):

3.2. Body:
She is extremely attractive. She's HOT. She turns heads wherever she goes.
She is sexy. VERY sexy.
She is beautifully dressed and beautifully groomed.
"Beautifully groomed" makes me think of one of those long-haired purse dogs all done up in pink ribbons and bows.
She has a trim waistline. Alternatively, if her waistline is ALMOST (but not quite) trim, she is willing to trim it down for me and keep it trim for me. No exceptions
So basically what he is saying is, "No Fat Chicks."
She has excellent posture.
Is he going to test her by making her balance a book on her head? My mom used to do that to me. (My posture still sucks).
Her hair is her own and at least TO HER SHOULDERS.
Notice how he is adamant that her hair be "her own." Beyonce is going to be crushed.
Alternatively, she is willing to grow her hair long for me and keep it long for me. No exceptions.
I love how the two things he is absolutely unwilling to bend on are her waistline and the length of her hair. Deep.
Her voice is not low or raspy. (Alto is fine; baritone is not.)
This is the biggest WTF? right here. Baritone? Is it even possible for a woman to have a baritone voice (without some serious hormonal injections)?
She is in excellent health, although she may have some minor health issues she is working on.
Which minor health issues are acceptable? Piles? Flatulence? HPV?
She is tobacco free and drug free. She is either alcohol free or nearly so.
Well, that leaves me out.

In addition to being a high school physics teacher, Mark is an entreprenuer. He has a Global Vision (always capitalized) that involves some sort of software that promises to revolutionize the computer industry, bringing LIGHT (LIGHT is always in ALL CAPS) to the world. His description of the whole thing is pretty damn vague; a combination of corporate managerial doublespeak and New Age dreck that made my head hurt. He is very clear, however, that he stands to become a billionaire:

....marriage includes financial and legal dimensions, and the complexities of my Global Vision will necessitate a pre-nuptial agreement. I will be generous, giving the Goddess I seek 100% legal control over an appropriate portion of the anticipated wealth.

Yes, she may be a Goddess, but she still gots to sign a prenup! But she will have control of an "appropriate portion" of his money. (What is an "appropriate portion", anyhoo?)

Here are Mark's thoughts on chivalry:
I am intensely chivalrous, and, if you date me, you are required to respond to my chivalry as a LADY. You are the GIRL. Chivalry is about you allowing me to HONOR the girl in you. This means you let ME walk on the street side of the sidewalk, and you let ME open all doors for you (including when you are exiting from my car). It means you let ME decide where I would like to take you (e.g. what restaurant, what concert, what hotel, etc.), and when I tell you where I would like to take you, you tell me your FEELINGS with the understanding that if I sense that you are uncomfortable or disappointed with my offer, then I will change it because my goal is to make you HAPPY. It means that when I offer you flowers and gifts, you accept them graciously.... you should have empty vases in your home. It means that you let ME pay for everything on our dates, even if you have a lot more money than I do. It means if we are at a restaurant and I am hungry and you are busy talking, that when our food finally arrives you realize that YOU must take the first bite, and by ignoring your food as you keep yacking away you are making me starve!

Can he be any more of a control freak? Also, "yacking away as you are making me starve"? Nice.

And--you know it!--he has an extensive list of qualifications for his Goddess's sexuality.

3.6. Sexuality:
She believes in the light-filled MAGIC of sacred sex. She wants to utilize this magic to manifest our Global Vision. She realizes that her sacred sexual union with me is crucial for manifesting the Global Vision.
She is free from all physical and emotional impediments to the complete expression of her sexuality.

And are you ready for this? Cause it's hilarious:

If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!! We can discuss it at length. I have written a book (not yet published) entitled, Resurrecting the Innocence in Prostitutes. Fascinating topic! And it's an important part of my Global Vision.

His vague Global Vision includes resurrecting the innocence of prostitutes? How exactly does he do this? (Actually, I don't think I want to know...)

And more about sexuality, because he goes on and on and on about it:

She intensely longs to be worshipped as a Goddess by the right man... a man who knows EXACTLY what he is doing. He teases her hard and relentlessly, which makes her laugh uncontrollably. (He already makes me laugh uncontrollably, so that's believable). The sound of his voice, his words, his appearance, the way he looks at her, his powerful mind, his radiant heart, his intense sexuality, his confidence, his poise, and his very presence.... weaken her knees, fill her stomach with butterflies, send shivers up her spine, make her heart pound, overwhelm her with desire, and make her VERY wet. She cannot help but surrender herself to him, melting naked into his arms, whereupon he worships her as a Goddess.... he is the priest, she is his altar. She becomes the Goddess he is worshipping... she is elevated into extreme Goddess-ecstasy.... exploding and screaming!.... so many times you lose count.
The lady I seek somehow KNOWS deep down inside that if she surrenders herself to the right man and is worshipped by him as a Goddess in just the right way, she can move mountains.... she can move the whole world! She WANTS to make this sexual magic happen and to bless the world with the resulting miracles.

He also claims to be a tantra master (see below). For the record, I had a brief involvement some time ago with a guy who also claimed to be tantric (sadly, it wasn't Sting). The guy was seriously one of the worst lays ever. Ladies, take heed if a guy tells you he is into tantra. It is a complete and utter bullshit line frequently used by middle-aged white guys who are fundamentally insecure about their sexual prowess. But I'm not bitter.

Some of his sexual claims:
Extremely passionate tantra master who does not ejaculate (except on rare occasions). Stays fully hard through multiple male orgasms without ejaculating.
Yeah, one word: VIAGARA
Can and will genuinely DELIVER (orgasms) so many times you lose count.
Vasectomy (but I can have it reversed).
100% straight (i.e. heterosexual).

Not to be nit-picky, but I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be "100% straight," according to Dr. Kinsey's scale, anyway. But I'm just an unenlightened mere mortal. What do I know?

I am looking for a balanced woman who has the courage to unite with an extremely strong man and dance this exquisite Love Dance with him. I am looking for a woman who will LET her man LIFT her into extreme ecstasy.... FOR LIFE.

If you are looking to do a little Love Dancing with a controlling, narcissistic hippie, (or if you're just in the mood for a good laugh), Mark's website is here.


Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson 1958 - 2009

I'm pissed off, I'm bummed out, I'm in shock. I was ten years old when Michael Jackson peaked with Thriller, so I was there; I remember him before he went completely off the rails, when he was just known for being Michael Jackson. I don't think anyone born after 1980 can really understand the impact he had, and that's tragic. I hope that when the dust settles, he is remembered most for being a phenomenal performer and artist.

I found a clip of the Thriller video, edited down to (mostly) just the dancing. When this video came out, I had to run out of the room for the first 5 minutes because the part where he turned into a werewolf scared the holy hell out of me (I was a big weenie). But I always came back in the room for the dancing part.

R.I.P. King of Pop

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dave Caves

As you may have heard, David Letterman and Sarah Palin have been feuding because of a joke Dave made on his show last week.

The break down is this: Palin was in New York with her family and attended a Yankees game with one of her daughters. On his June 8 show, Dave made a joke about Palin's daughter getting "knocked up" by Yankees' player Alex Rodriguez (Madonna's gross ex-mantoy). Palin then got her Victoria's Secret High-leg Briefs all in a wad, crowing that Dave's joke was "perverted" because the daughter she had attended the Yankees game with was her 14-year-old daughter, Willow, not Cutty Sark or whatever the hell she named that older one who did get knocked up by her cute (but dumb as hell) hick boyfriend Levi. There then followed an assinine "But it was the older slutty daughter I was talking about, not the one that's still jailbait," half-assed apology from Dave. That wasn't good enough for Palin, so here's what Dave said last night:

Even though I wish he hadn't have caved, (if only because I love Letterman and hate Palin and her ilk with a passion), I feel his second apology last night was sincere, articulate, and heartfelt. The same cannot (ever) be said of Palin. Here was her response:

"(I accept) on behalf of all young women, like my daughters, who hope men who `joke' about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve."

Right. I loooooove how she suddenly becomes a feminist when it's convenient for her, like when she criticized the media for being "sexist" back when she was campaigning with McCain. Meanwhile, back in her home state she makes women pay for their hospital rape kits and would have them carry their rapist's spawn to term, since abortion is murder (it's fine to kill moose and gun down wolves from choppers, though).

By the way, why does anyone still care about this woman? Obama dispatched her and Old Man Potter months ago. Go away, Susie Moosekiller. You were good for a laugh, but you're just old news now. Fuck off back to Alaska, and try to keep your underage daughters from following their older sister's stellar example.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Dog lovers, I'm looking at you.

America loves them some dogs. Dogs, dogs, dogs...everywhere. Even people who aren't into the big lovable messy slobbery drooly kind are into dogs now: witness the booming trend of neat little purse dogs. (Which begs the question--what does Paris Hilton, et al do with all the doggie doo that must accumulate in their designer handbags? They must go through purses like Kleenex).

I'm a cat person myself--if I tried to stuff one of my cats in my purse I'd need plastic surgery afterwards--and that's part of the reason I prefer them to dogs. I like that cats think for themselves and they're smart enough to say "HELL NO!" to some of the things that dogs willingly go along with. But, that's why most people like dogs. And I can respect that. Dogs are pretty cool.

So it's time for y'all to put your money where your mouth is, and contribute to the International Fund for Animal Welfare's campaign to stop the dog massacre in China. I donated, and you should too. Read on...

A massive cull in the Chinese city of Hanzhong has claimed the lives of more than 30,000 dogs - and now we need your help to make sure that it never happens again.

The local government ordered the mass slaughter of all dogs as the result of a few cases of rabies deaths. Dog killing squads are stalking the streets, mercilessly beating dogs to death with sticks and rocks.

Friendly dogs - even healthy family pets - are being slaughtered right in front of their owners. Can you even begin to imagine how you'd feel if that happened to your dog?

Click here to donate to IFAW's campaign to stop the slaughter.

This is just my own .02, but what the hell is up with China? What unbelievable ASSHOLES.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

My cousin's voice on Real Time With Bill Maher

I am posting this because my cousin Jon did the voiceover on the "Spring Break in Mexico" skit at the beginning of this episode. Jon is a voiceover artist, musician, sound engineer, sometime actor (he was an extra in The Outsiders! Yes he was!) and all around cool dude. Some of his other projects have been recording the radio spots with William Shatner, and doing the sound mixing for music for the old nineties TV show Real TV. He rocks.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I have been reading up on tattoos over on Cracked, and it's been quite enlightening. I learned, for instance, what message my tattoos are truly sending out to the world. The one on my ankle, apparantly, says "Cute Little Princess, now with real tattoo accessory." I can live with that. The other one on the small of my back says, "Yes, buying me a drink will totally work." Scarily accurate.

As for the tats themselves, I'm fine with the on my ankle. It was an impulsive decision I made when I was 21. It's meaningless, small, and inoffensive. My other one--on the small of my back--was an asinine decision I made when I turned 30. I will be having that one removed sometime in the (hopefully near) future. With a belt sander, if necessary.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Talkin' Bout My Generation

Gen Xers are reaching the stage where we've settled down, signed mortgages, popped out a kid or five, developed crow's feet, gotten fat, gotten bald, and generally begun that rapid downhill slide towards middle-age. Predictably, Hollywood is looking to cash in on our nostalgia. According to various movie sites, here are just a few Reagan-era dead horses that are set to be dug up and beaten: Footloose (rumored to be starring--ugh--Zac Efron), Red Dawn, Top Gun, Tron, Short Circuit, The Goonies, The Karate Kid, and Weird Science.

And I just read over on jabootu that they're planning to retool Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, a 1985 film that starred a young Sarah Jessica Parker.

I remember seeing the original Girls in the theatre. I wanted to see it because I was a Cyndi Lauper fan and naturally assumed that the plot had something to do with her (it didn't). But Sarah Jessica was cute and likeable, her love interest was the perfect tough-yet-sensitive dreamy James Dean stereotype, Helen Hunt was enjoyable as the quintessential wisecracking best friend, the rival girl was cartoonishly bitchy, and the story--which revolved around the goody-goody heroine and her new wrong-side-of-the-tracks boyfriend competing in a dance contest--was total paint-by-numbers "Omigod, don't let the mean girl win!" broadly overacted 80's dramedy.

I shudder to think what they'll do with the new version. I'm guessing it will star one of the High School Musical kids, a Jonas brother, a Gossip Girl, Robert Pattinson, and a wink-wink cameo for us oldsters (something like Helen Hunt popping up as the heroine's music teacher), with soundtrack by Miley Hannah Cyrus Montana.

Hearing about this latest planned remake was the final straw for me. I would like to take this opportunity to implore all studio heads and the powers that be in Hollywood: on behalf of my generation, for the love of all that is holy, please STOP raping our childhood memories.

Or, at the very least, don't use a Jonas brother to do it.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

The Amazing Adventures of Morph -- Episode 1

Ian introduced me to Morph a while back, and now I'm hopelessly addicted. I've been watching episode after episode of The Amazing Adventures of Morph, and I keep going back to this, episode 1 of the series.

The original one is hands-down my favorite, partly because it features Gillespie. I love Gillespie. I love how he raises his eyebrows salaciously when Morph jumps into his arms. I love the big pile up fight he gets into with the other clay people. I love his buttons. I love that his name is Gillespie. He rocks.

I also love this episode because it's the one where they write a book. I look at this and wish I'd had similar help with my novel. It would have been awesome to just orate into a microphone while a little silver tin-foil girl inside a box took notes. I would have adored having a clay creature to untangle all the strips of paper and organize it into pages--pages that simply slipped into a professionally bound book.

I think that's how Stephenie Meyer wrote Twilight.

Friday, June 05, 2009

I'd Rather Be Blogging

More Shelby photos to come, as well as more frequent updates.

One of my resolutions this summer is to blog more (I really challenge myself, don't I?). Life has been complicated lately: cat issues, emotions and stuff, endings, beginnings, edits, rejections, query letters, and trying to get a million things accomplished at once. Additionally, I have been turning my attention to the nefarious time-hoovering black hole known as facebook, which has sucked away time better spent on my blogging. But no more! I'm not quitting the facebook, just taking a little vacation from it while I use the brain cells I've been devoting to it to post stuff here. When it comes down to it, I'd rather have people reading my blog than my facebook page. Besides, how many more useless "Which (80's sitcom character, teen movie, one-hit wonder) are you?" quizzes do I need to take, anyway? (For the record, I am Punky Brewster, Say Anything, and Haircut 100, respectively).

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

I promised a Shelby photo montage, and here it is. These are just a handful of shots from Shelby's first year (there are MANY more, but these were the best of the bunch).

So cuuuuuute! This is Shelby at the shelter, the day we picked her up. We adopted her on April 1, 1995 from an all-volunteer feline rescue organization in Indianapolis called Cats' Haven.

Me and my old boyfriend Rick holding Shelby and her mom, who was being cared for at the shelter. Her name was Kimmy and she was one badass cat!

This is (from left) Shelby with her brother and one of her sisters. She had another sister identical to the black and white one who had already been adopted.

Me and Shelby the night we brought her home. This is at my first apartment, the one that Rick and I shared on Evergreen Court in Indy. Vertical blinds, beige carpeting, avacado green fridge. I remember it well. Notice that I had yet to discover eyebrow tweezers.

Shelby and my mom. She was crazy about Shelby, her "grandkitten."

Shelby with my stepdad. He's usually not that into cats, but Shelby could make a cat lover out of anyone.

Awwwww! Have you ever seen anything so adorable????

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

In Loving Memory of my sweet Shelby Valentine

Shelby passed away on May 4, 2009 after being diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in late February. It has been a very hard few months for me, knowing that the end was near for her, but I tried my best to make her comfortable, pamper her (even more than I usually did!), and give her extra love and attention.

I miss her terribly, and I had to wait to post this tribute to her until I was feeling up to it emotionally. I also envisioned putting up a montage of photos of Shelby--as a kitten and throughout her life--as a kind of "Academy Awards In Memory Of" type of deal. I will still do that, because Shelby (diva that she was/is) would absolutely expect that sort of a tribute. I have to wait to get my scanner fixed before posting all the photos I have in mind, but will do that as soon as I can.

Peace to my little Shelby Valentine
Febrary 1995 - May 2009
She is loved and missed by all who knew her, human and feline alike.