Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hello ladies and germs, it's time to play America's favorite game,

Today's contestant is a 37-year-old "healer" (ahem) from Indianapolis, Indiana. He enjoys smoking weed, taking naps, and reading magazines on the crapper. Please give a warm welcome to M-- well, let's just call him "Marshall" to protect his identity.

I found my ex's myspace profile (oh, don't pretend you've never used myspace, friendster, etc. to look up your exes) and I nearly wet my pants laughing at it. I won't post a link to it, because that would be petty and immature (and I'm well above that). I have, however, reprinted some of the more interesting tidbits for everyone's snarking pleasure.

First up, according to his profile, here are his "favorite" movies:

Betty Blue, The Cook,The Theif, His Wife, &; her Lover, The Emperors' New Groove, El Postino, A Room With a View, Life is Beautiful, Wings of Desire, White,

You'll notice that with the exception of The Emperor's New Groove (wtf?) that "Marshall" has taken great pains to list arty/indie/foreign films. And yet, the movie he insisted on dragging me to when I saw him last summer (on the eve of our final "fuck you, I never want to see you again" blow out)? The Bad News Bears. Yes, this is truly a man who enjoys fine art. To make matters worse, after that he wanted to stay for the next feature, (we were at the drive-in) , a horrible Martin Lawrence komedy that I can't even remember the name of (ironically, it appeared to be an attempt to cash in on the BNB remake--it was essentially the same film, only with a junior high basketball team). And okay, I just read what I wrote and it does sound like I'm being awfully snide and nit-picky. I can't claim the greatest taste ever as far as the arts go (I love Woody Allen movies, but I also love Beavis and Butthead). And The Bad News Bears remake wasn't all that bad, considering. I just think it's funny that all the films "Marshall" listed as his favorites seem to be straight out of a sensitive chick-baiting film geek handbook. Imagine some poor girl's surprise when she goes to his house and spies his DVD of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour (which he totally has! And he made me watch! UGH!) I may have some embarrassing entries in my movie collection, but I can proudly say I have nothing that features Larry the Cable Guy.

That's nothing, wait til you check out what he's listed as his "General" interests (I've left all his typos firmly intact, just to be a bitch):

Minds, Litterature, Travel, Juggling, Healing, Teaching, The Oppisite Sex, Cooking, Adventure, Fishing, Sailing

Funny how he claims to love literature (he does this in real life too--far be it for him to miss an opportunity to let you know how damned smart he is) and yet he can't even spell the flippin' word! And lest anyone doubt for a moment that he's a red-blooded hetero male, he made sure to list The Oppisite (sic) Sex (what's with the random caps?) under his interests. (The lady doth protest too much, methinks...) Something else occurred to me while I was browsing this....with "adventure", "sailing", and "travel" also listed, you'd think this guy was quite the jet setter, no? Again, I pity the poor woman naive enough to be taken in by this gross misrepresentation. I will say he has traveled quite a bit in the past, or so he claims. And he does sail. But the James Bond man-of-the-world image he seems to be trying to paint is, well, a tad inaccurate--unless he has come into a huge fortune in the last six months. But seeing as how he's using myspace to try and meet chicks, I'd say that's highly unlikely. (meow!)

And last but not least, his list of favorite books (remember, he's way into "litterature"!):

Books: Infinate and Finite Games, Goodby Without Leaving, The Botany of Desire, Spectacular Happiness, The Stars My Destination, Moon Palace, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting, Love in the Time of Cholera, Stranger in a Strange Land, Sidhartha, Cockpit, A Big Storm Knocked it Over, Eva Luna, Happy all the Time, Geek Love, The Deep Blue Goodbye, The Myth of Sysyphus: and other essays, Lullaby, The Velvateen Rabbit, A Wrinkle in Time, Where The Sidewalk Ends, Lizard, Kitchen, The Silent Gondaliers, If this Is a Man, A Soldier of The Great War, Still Life with Woodpecker, A Prayer for Owen Meaney, 122.. Marrige, Ringworld, Scar, Perdido Street Station, Icon, Leviathan, The Stranger, The Castle, The Brothers Kazamov, A Turn of the Screw, The Antproof Case, Winter Tails, A Swiftly Tilting Planet, Guns, Germs, and Steel, The Sun Also Rises, Hungry as the Sea, Little Woman, The Story of the Eye, At the end of the teather, Master &; Margurita, Antoine Artud, The Rosey Crucifiction, Naked Lunch, The Diaries of Anis Anin, Post Office, Betty Blue, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Breakfast of Champions, Jitterbug Perfume, The Handmaidens Tale, The Daughter of Fortune, Animal Dreams, Atlas Shrugged, A 1000 Years of Solitude, The Queen of Hearts, Tender as the Night, The Illusionist, Listening to Prozac, Slaughterhouse five, Tabboo, Shine On, Bright and Dangerous Object, The Electric Koolaid Acid Test, A Brave New World, Dinner at the Homesick Restaraunt, Brass, The Windup Bird, The Tropic of Cancer, Cat's Eye, The Twelth Night,

Okay, I won't even make fun of the misspellings here, because there are too many to list (although I have to say, The Diaries of Anis Anin? Anis Anin????? I--I mean...there are just no words.) What cracks me up is the sheer amount of titles he's listed. As my friend Linda said, "What did he do, just put down every book he's ever read in his life?"

You know, I don't even hate "Marshall" all that much anymore. I still kinda do, but when I saw this, a part of me just felt, I don't know...sort of bad for him.

But not too bad to rip all over his ridiculous profile! HAHAHAHAHAHA!


Ian Shane said...

Yes, I too enjoyed "Tender as the Night". Wasn't that by F. Sean Fitzpatrick?

andiepants said...

Hell yeah, that is a brilliant piece of litterature. Fitzpatrick, as you know, hails from St. Peter, MN.

Heather said...

"Love in the Time of Cholera" and "The Velveteen Rabbit" ?

I guess he's trying to say that he's a romantic who wants kids?

Personally, if I saw that on Myspace, I'd sense that he felt inadequate - like his book list was big and know...making up for things that aren't. Honestly a book list that long looks like bragging and then you have to figure out WHY - too much to bother with.

I love your post, it's just the right amount of bitchy without taking it to the garbage bin by using real names. I commend you.

Blogs are great for helping to let go of anger, ain't they?

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