And before you assume that I'm just a typical "librul" who's going to blame the Orlando massacre on the NRA and guns....well, it's not that simple. Yes, I hate guns and the NRA and--perhaps most of all--the NRA-fellating politicians who made yet another mass shooting possible, but my hate doesn't stop there. I hate Omar Mateen with the fire of a thousand suns, and I don't know why people act like you can't be against the religious fanatics AND the gun-fuckers. See, I can hate both: radical extremists who kill in the name of their shitty backwards medieval ideologies (and I'm not only talking about Muslim extremists here; ever hear of a murderous little Christian cuntrag called Eric Rudolph?) and I--as always--despise Wayne LaPierre and ALL of his whores in Washington who issue statements sending "thoughts and prayers" to victims of mass shootings (HEY ASSHOLES, WE'RE NOT PAYING YOU TO "PRAY"!) while doing absolutely not a goddamn thing at all because there's nothing more important than that sweet, sweet gun lobby money.
But again, I want to assure all my fellow tree-hugging liberal types that it's perfectly fine to hate that (now dead) festering hemorrhoid named Omar Mateen. Really, it's okay. Look at the facts and tell me you can't hate his nasty, selfie-obsessed troglodyte ass:
He was not only a religious extremist, he didn't even understand that these groups are all opposed to one another, meaning...
He was a huge fucking moron
Okay, being a moron isn't as bad as being an abusive, racist, homophobic religious extremist murderer, but I'm really sick of stupid people, even though stupid people aren't inherently evil (usually).
Now, let me issue my own statement to All-American Joe Gun-Fucker who's worried that this Mooslim shooter is going to spoil all the fun for him and the rest of his buddies at the rifle range:
Rest assured, Obama (unfortunately) does not want to take your guns. But I do. Yes, this little peace-loving, tree-hugging feminist hippie wants to take that AR-15 assault rifle you love so much and help you to "know" that instrument of death in a Biblical way, specifically by shoving it sideways up your poopshaft and forcing you to sing Lady Gaga's "I Like It Rough" at the top of your lungs.
Then, you will recite the following statements with that loaded weapon buried deep inside your rectum:
"Feel the Bern!"
"Black Lives Matter!"
"Donald Trump Blows Goats!"
After that intimate experience, you will no longer have time to worry about the libruls taking away your guns. In fact, after the surgical removal of said weapon from your love canal, you will be too busy nursing your prolapsed anus for the rest of your natural life to trouble your simple little mind with issues of gun legislation. But look at the upside: You get to spend the remainder of your days in bed watching Duck Dynasty!
See, everybody wins!
I leave you with these truths, which I hold to be self-evident, that all gun-loving psychos are pretty much created equal.....
Note: I wrote this up a few months ago, but since then I've been so consumed with our move (hello, Utah!) that it got shelved for a bit. However, today--June 6--happens to be Simon Reid's birthday, so what a perfect time to post this, no? This date has stuck in my head not for sentimental reasons, but for how apropos it is that this sociopath was unleashed upon the world on 6/6/66. Not only does he bear the mark of the beast, he is the beast.
After all these years, I still get numerous comments and emails regarding my original Simon Reid post from way back in 2008. Most of the messages are along the lines of "Saw your story on TV, glad you guys nailed that dickweed," etc, but a lot of them--especially over the past year--have been people checking in to report their own encounters with Simon.
According to the latest scoop, Simon Reid is now living in Spain and hanging out with British and American tourists hiking the Camino de Santiago, which is a Catholic pilgrimage-type trail that winds through part of Spain. Apparently Martin Sheen made a movie about it a few years back, and the trail has seen a surge in visitors since then.
Anyhoo, the first I heard about Simon's Spanish exploits was when I got an email last summer from a very nice young couple in Texas who had just returned from Spain, where they'd hiked the Camino trail and spent some time hanging out with a friendly Brit named Simon Reid who claimed to be a "retired surgeon" (hahahahahahaha--oh, my sides) who had come to the Camino trail to connect with his spiritual side, or something. He had a woman with him, of course, but the nature of their relationship was unclear. (From what the Texas couple said, I got that this was yet another girlfriend Simon was stringing along.) For authentication, they attached a photo of themselves posing with Simon and his mark outside of a cafe.
The most recent report I've gotten is an email from a woman who (from what I can deduce) was tentatively involved with Simon for a short time while visiting Spain in March 2016, but was scared right off the lot when she Googled his name and found out all the dirt on his sketchy lying ass.
Among the torrent of bullshit he fed this would-be girlfriend?
He claimed to be a retired British commando sniper-turned-trauma surgeon who served in Afghanistan.
He claimed to have developed a form of leukemia caused by removing thousands of plutonium tipped bullets from patients.
PLEASE NOTE: It's the sheer audacity of Simon's ridiculous bullshit stories that has me amused; I am not making fun of this girlfriend, or anyone else who has been swindled (emotionally or financially) by Simon Reid. No one knows better than I do how frighteningly adept this fuckhandle is at winning your confidence and portraying himself as a chivalrous, fun, self-deprecating, honorable man. He's a textbook pathological liar who is excellent at reading, assessing, and exploiting people. Although he's never quite successful in the end--as long as there is an internet he will continue to be exposed for the vile fraud that he is--but Simon doesn't play the long game, anyway. He's not the type of conman who slowly and surely gains your trust over a period of time. The guy plays the numbers and he always has several schemes (and women) going at once, and his pattern shows that he will always cut and run once he realizes that his marks are onto him, leaving everyone in the dust. No goodbyes, no explanations, no apologies. Just a shitload of hideous LIES.
So for anyone reading this who has been done in by Simon Reid, whether he's "borrowed" (stolen) money or fucked you over emotionally (he likes to do both whenever possible), please remember:
He is a cold, calculating individual who feels no remorse for the people he harms
He has a long, long, long history of victimizing those who are close to him, including two ex-wives, countless girlfriends, and even his own parents and children
He is an evil asswipe
It's not your fault
Lastly--for the sake of your own mental, emotional, physical, and financial safety--RUN, DON'T WALK far, far, far away from his damaged, broken, sketchball ass.
And now, an important message from Billy Joel....
A digression: this is the good Billy Joel. You can tell, because of his hair. (Ever notice that when Billy Joel got rid of the Jewfro, his songs started sucking balls? It's like his mighty Jewfro gave him all his songwriting powers. Then he had to go and cut it off and his music went straight down the toilet.) Actually, I think Pressure was post-Jewfro, so maybe that song is the one exception to the rule. Now that was a cool-ass video. I love the part where he's at that cocktail party and the lady goes flying sideways into that doorway full of milk and Billy gets sucked down into the carpet. Lots of cocaine went into the making of that one, I'm guessing.
If you have your own Simon Reid sightings or stories, please tell all in the comments (or email me if you don't want to share publicly). Keep spreading the word. Let's warn Simon Reid's future paramours, landlords, employers, "business" partners, and anyone else who Googles his name.