Sunday, April 04, 2004

Angela and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Movie

Woah. I just (voluntarily) watched the worst movie ever made. And keep in mind that I've seen Modern Girls, Under the Cherry Moon, Lady Beware, From Justin To Kelly, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Mr. Deeds, and Coyote Ugly (those last two were accidental). But nothing compares to the horror that I witnessed today. It was hideous. Ghastly. Appalling. Deplorable. Shit, was it bad. I'm talking about Liquid Sky.

My friend Mike warned me about this movie. He described the plot. I thought it sounded hilarious, and decided that I had to see it. I looked all over, and finally found a copy at the St. Paul Library. I wish fate had been kinder, and kept it out of my reach. Here is a synopsis of this "film," which I've copied from another site since my brain hurts too much to attempt to describe its "plot." I've bolded the gist of it, in case you're too afraid to read the whole thing. Believe me, I'd understand.

Few movies are specifically tailored for appeal to those on controlled substances, here's one film though. Heralded as a great work in science fiction and so on... ...well, my ass. There is no damn way this thing sits alongside Alien, Bladerunner, or The Thing. What you have is a great number of lifeless and disturbed people having sex with Margaret then dying. Aliens come to Earth looking for heroin but find that the chemicals produced by human brains during orgasm are even better. So they park their flying saucer, it's about two feet wide, on top of Margaret's apartment and begin killing everyone who has sex with her. Then we have a barely understandable German scientist who is studying the aliens, at least he describes the plot to us. Throw in a crazy girlfriend and a few other weirdos to fill gaps. Margaret finally goes completely bonkers, it's difficult to find that special someone when everybody you sleep with dies, and gets vaporized. In addition, her face is always covered with smudged makeup, probably to disguise that the actress played Jimmy as well. My main problem with this movie wasn't that there are aliens. Nor that these aliens were after heroin or human brains. You just have all these dysfunctional relationships between the characters and nobody ever goes postal. Even talking to most of these people would be like getting beaten in the head with a sock full of quarters.

...Okay, that's putting it mildly. This movie hurts. Seriously. It caused me pain. And I think it's fair to say that I'm no amateur when it comes to bad movies. I've seen a lot. And this is the worst of the worst. Bottom of the shitheap.

Here are some random thoughts and lines of dialogue that I managed to scribble down while viewing this monstrosity. Enjoy.

(The following is a dialogue between Jimmy, played by Anne Carlisle, and Margaret, played by Anne Carlisle. No, that's not a typo. Same actress. Male and female roles. I shit you not).
Jimmy (taunting Margaret): One day the Chickenwoman had chicks and everybody stepped on 'em, because they were so ugly. Cluck, cluck.
Margaret: Such a sweet boy, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Cluck, cluck.
Margaret: Don't make me hate you, Jimmy!

Here's more, because I feel the need to share my pain.

Margaret (after screwing Jimmy to death in front of a crowd of people): I killed him.
Random on-looker #1: Where's the body?
Random on-looker #2: Somebody go look on the roof!
Random on-looker #3: If we think clearly, this can all be explained.

Same scene--
Adrian: I'll bet you $300 I can fuck Margaret and not die!

I have to have a mild rant here about the chick who plays Adrian (Margaret's lesbian lover). I hate her. She wears an eye/sleep mask thingie on her forehead through most of the movie. I don't know why. But that's not why I hate her. She is easily the worst actor of the entire lot (and believe me, that's saying something). Every time she opened her mouth to speak I wanted to give up and switch off the movie (and that's also saying something). She sucks so hard she blows. Like a hurricane. Christ Almighty, she's bad. I really, really wanted to see her die. Thankfully, she does when she has sex with Margaret (in front of the same crowd of on-lookers). She mounts Margaret, fakes an orgasm, then turns into a wad of tinfoil and vanishes. It's the only high point of the movie.

And then there's the music. Yes, Mike warned me about the music. The music is wretched, but it pales in comparison to the acting. And the hair. And the clothes. And the makeup. And the sets. And the dancing. Yes, there is dancing. And it made my eyes bleed. I'll put it this way...ever seen the video for Blondie's "Dreaming"? Remember the extras dancing on the sidelines? Worse than that. Much, much worse.

The only part of Liquid Sky that made me laugh were the quotes from critics on the video box. Here are some of them:

"A triumph of originality!" --The Washington Post

"Smash of the year!" --Rolling Stone

"...perversely beautiful!" --New York Magazine

Okay, I can buy that quote from Rolling Stone, a publication that I used to respect before it began slapping Britney Spears on its cover every other week. But the other ones? Those critics (if they indeed wrote that), should be rounded up and shot.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, this movie sucks.

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