It's A Livin' Thing

I consider Boogie Nights to be one of the coolest films on God’s green earth. I love it. I lurve it. I want to move out to the suburbs with it and marry it. In fact…

How do I love this movie? Let me count the ways:

1. The scene at the beginning where Marky Mark (I refuse to call him Mark Wahlberg) rolls off his girlfriend (who turns out to be—holy shit—TINA from THE LWORD!!!) who fires up a joint and proceeds to tell him how much she loves his wiener.
2. The part where Rollergirl finally snaps and beats the holy hell out of the asshole guy who taunted her in high school.
3. John C. Reilly informing Dirk Diggler that “people tell me I look like Han Solo.”
4. Scotty (Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who fucking rocks) and his creepily adorable crush on Marky Mark (most notably the part where he goes all slack-jawed at the sight of the Dirkster sunning himself by the pool while Hot Chocolate’s “You Sexy Thing” plays on the soundtrack; also the Corvette scene where Scotty begs Dirk, “Can I kiss you on the mouth just once?” Awesome).
5. Dirk Diggler screaming “You’re not the king of Dirk!” and Burt Reynolds having to be physically restrained from kicking his manwhore ass.
6. The following exchange between the creepy porn star with the bad hair and Burt Reynolds:

CPS: “Is he gonna fuck me in the ass?”

BR: “Is that what you want?”

CPS: “It would be nice.”

BR: (wearily) “Okay, fuck her in the ass.”

7. Alfred Molina busting a nut (figuratively) over his love for the song “Sister Christian.”
8. Dirk Diggler quietly losing his shit during the drug deal.
9. Amber Waves snorting a line of coke and eyeing Marky Mark as “Oh What a Lonely Boy” plays on the soundtrack.
10. William H. Macy at the New Year’s Eve party (I’ll leave it at that).
11. Four little words: “You got the tooooouch.”
12. Michael Penn’s awesome cameo.
13. Buck (Don Cheadle) warning John C. Reilly about messing with evil forces.
14. Rollergirl asking Amber Waves to be her mom.
15. The Colonel asking Dirk Diggler to drop trou.
16. Pretty much any scene involving the Colonel.
17. The rival porn producer telling Burt Reynolds that he likes “lollipops in my mouth, butter in my ass.”
18. Burt Reynolds waxing poetic about Marky Mark: “Seventeen year old piece o’ gold.”
19. Don Cheadle bonding with Melora Waters at the New Year’s Eve party.
20. Marky Mark’s Miami Vice outfit.
21. Rollergirl jamming to ‘til Tuesday on her Walkman.
22. Dirk whipping out the fake member: “I’m a star I’m a star I’m a big bright shining star.”
23. Thomas Jane’s moustache.
24. The curtains in Dirk’s bedroom.
25. Don Cheadle in the donut shop.
26. Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell.
27. Two words: Spanish Pantalones.
28. Marky Mark’s Saturday Night Fever-style dancing. (Is it wrong that I find that scene incredibly hot?)
29. Becky Barnett’s preoccupation with astrology.
30. “That’s not an MP. That’s a YP—your problem!”
31. The DVD commentary, officiated by an obviously high P.T. Anderson (who was, IIRC, like 25 years old when he directed this movie).
32. PTA’s little anecdote on the commentary about John C. Reilly wanting to kick Marky Mark’s ass for beaning him in the head with a marshmallow.
33. John C. Reilly blaming the marshmallow incident (great band name, by the way) on “low blood sugar.”
34. PTA wondering aloud if Luis Guzman was high during the pool scene.
35. PTA claiming that he “can’t remember” if he based the Dirk Diggler character on John Holmes.
36. Okay I’m done.