This dude loves me. Seriously, he totally said so.

Let me explain. After work on Friday afternoon I was trudging through downtown St. Paul on the way to my car (it's a long walk, but free parking is worth it). I was standing at an intersection waiting for the light to change, and some dude came by on a bike. He was sort of scruffy looking (see above) and had a black guitar case strapped to his back. He circled me a few times, stopped next to me a moment, and then took off. I was like, "okay, that was random." Then about 30 seconds later he rode by again, but this time as he passed me he murmured "I love you" and glanced over his shoulder to see if I'd heard before riding off into the sunset. I was a bit creeped out, as you can imagine, but also a little amused. The funniest part? It was totally the guy from Soundgarden, that grunge band from the nineties. I shit you not--it was totally him.

Now, setting aside the question of why the hell a famous singer was aimlessly biking his ass around downtown St. Paul last Friday (hey, people do a lot of weird things--maybe he was high?) I'd like to address a far more pressing issue here, which is (naturally), of all the rock stars in the world, why must it be the guy from Soundgarden who professes his love for me? I never listened to Soundgarden, even back in the day when grunge was everywhere and you couldn't escape it (and believe me, I tried). And although I don't really keep up with the current music that these crazy kids listen to nowadays, I am aware that Soundgarden doesn't exist anymore and the Soundgarden guy went on to form some other band with, like, a Stone Temple Pilot, one of the Wet Sprockets, and Ugly Kid Joe (or something like that), so apparently Soundgarden guy is still enjoying some success. Still though--why him? Seriously. If I were forced to make a list of all the rock stars I'd want publicly declaring their love for me, Soundgarden guy would probably be something like #1,278--right after Beck (who, for the record, I do like) and before Courtney Love.

I mean, not to harp on this or anything, but if it had to be a grunge rock star, why couldn't it be Eddie Vedder? I'm not a Pearl Jam fan, but the guy is the most shagworthy of all the blokes from that era (which isn't saying much). I remember the first time I saw Pearl Jam on MTV, I think it was the video for "Alive." To give you an idea of how little I understood the whole grunge phenomenon, I recall watching Eddie Vedder bounding across the stage and flipping his hair around, and I thought to myself, "I know Michael Hutchence. Michael Hutchence is a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Michael Hutchence." (I guess I thought he was aping Michael Hutchence, when in actuality he was just working the grunge thing). I didn't get it at all. I mean, I'm not saying grunge sucked or anything, it just wasn't for me. I like my rock stars glamorous, British, and a little gay (see also Taylor, John and Le Bon, Simon).

I don't know, I guess beggars can't be choosers. Maybe if the Soundgarden guy took a bath, got rid of the facial hair, put on something hot and faked a British accent, I could be persuaded.

Otherwise, it ain't happening.

Hello ladies and germs, it's time to play America's favorite game,

LET'S MAKE FUN OF MY EX!!!

Today's contestant is a 37-year-old "healer" (ahem) from Indianapolis, Indiana. He enjoys smoking weed, taking naps, and reading magazines on the crapper. Please give a warm welcome to M-- well, let's just call him "Marshall" to protect his identity.

I found my ex's myspace profile (oh, don't pretend you've never used myspace, friendster, etc. to look up your exes) and I nearly wet my pants laughing at it. I won't post a link to it, because that would be petty and immature (and I'm well above that). I have, however, reprinted some of the more interesting tidbits for everyone's snarking pleasure.

First up, according to his profile, here are his "favorite" movies:

Betty Blue, The Cook,The Theif, His Wife, &; her Lover, The Emperors' New Groove, El Postino, A Room With a View, Life is Beautiful, Wings of Desire, White,

You'll notice that with the exception of The Emperor's New Groove (wtf?) that "Marshall" has taken great pains to list arty/indie/foreign films. And yet, the movie he insisted on dragging me to when I saw him last summer (on the eve of our final "fuck you, I never want to see you again" blow out)? The Bad News Bears. Yes, this is truly a man who enjoys fine art. To make matters worse, after that he wanted to stay for the next feature, (we were at the drive-in) , a horrible Martin Lawrence komedy that I can't even remember the name of (ironically, it appeared to be an attempt to cash in on the BNB remake--it was essentially the same film, only with a junior high basketball team). And okay, I just read what I wrote and it does sound like I'm being awfully snide and nit-picky. I can't claim the greatest taste ever as far as the arts go (I love Woody Allen movies, but I also love Beavis and Butthead). And The Bad News Bears remake wasn't all that bad, considering. I just think it's funny that all the films "Marshall" listed as his favorites seem to be straight out of a sensitive chick-baiting film geek handbook. Imagine some poor girl's surprise when she goes to his house and spies his DVD of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour (which he totally has! And he made me watch! UGH!) I may have some embarrassing entries in my movie collection, but I can proudly say I have nothing that features Larry the Cable Guy.

That's nothing, wait til you check out what he's listed as his "General" interests (I've left all his typos firmly intact, just to be a bitch):

Minds, Litterature, Travel, Juggling, Healing, Teaching, The Oppisite Sex, Cooking, Adventure, Fishing, Sailing

Funny how he claims to love literature (he does this in real life too--far be it for him to miss an opportunity to let you know how damned smart he is) and yet he can't even spell the flippin' word! And lest anyone doubt for a moment that he's a red-blooded hetero male, he made sure to list The Oppisite (sic) Sex (what's with the random caps?) under his interests. (The lady doth protest too much, methinks...) Something else occurred to me while I was browsing this....with "adventure", "sailing", and "travel" also listed, you'd think this guy was quite the jet setter, no? Again, I pity the poor woman naive enough to be taken in by this gross misrepresentation. I will say he has traveled quite a bit in the past, or so he claims. And he does sail. But the James Bond man-of-the-world image he seems to be trying to paint is, well, a tad inaccurate--unless he has come into a huge fortune in the last six months. But seeing as how he's using myspace to try and meet chicks, I'd say that's highly unlikely. (meow!)

And last but not least, his list of favorite books (remember, he's way into "litterature"!):

Books: Infinate and Finite Games, Goodby Without Leaving, The Botany of Desire, Spectacular Happiness, The Stars My Destination, Moon Palace, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting, Love in the Time of Cholera, Stranger in a Strange Land, Sidhartha, Cockpit, A Big Storm Knocked it Over, Eva Luna, Happy all the Time, Geek Love, The Deep Blue Goodbye, The Myth of Sysyphus: and other essays, Lullaby, The Velvateen Rabbit, A Wrinkle in Time, Where The Sidewalk Ends, Lizard, Kitchen, The Silent Gondaliers, If this Is a Man, A Soldier of The Great War, Still Life with Woodpecker, A Prayer for Owen Meaney, 122.. Marrige, Ringworld, Scar, Perdido Street Station, Icon, Leviathan, The Stranger, The Castle, The Brothers Kazamov, A Turn of the Screw, The Antproof Case, Winter Tails, A Swiftly Tilting Planet, Guns, Germs, and Steel, The Sun Also Rises, Hungry as the Sea, Little Woman, The Story of the Eye, At the end of the teather, Master &; Margurita, Antoine Artud, The Rosey Crucifiction, Naked Lunch, The Diaries of Anis Anin, Post Office, Betty Blue, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Breakfast of Champions, Jitterbug Perfume, The Handmaidens Tale, The Daughter of Fortune, Animal Dreams, Atlas Shrugged, A 1000 Years of Solitude, The Queen of Hearts, Tender as the Night, The Illusionist, Listening to Prozac, Slaughterhouse five, Tabboo, Shine On, Bright and Dangerous Object, The Electric Koolaid Acid Test, A Brave New World, Dinner at the Homesick Restaraunt, Brass, The Windup Bird, The Tropic of Cancer, Cat's Eye, The Twelth Night,

Okay, I won't even make fun of the misspellings here, because there are too many to list (although I have to say, The Diaries of Anis Anin? Anis Anin????? I--I mean...there are just no words.) What cracks me up is the sheer amount of titles he's listed. As my friend Linda said, "What did he do, just put down every book he's ever read in his life?"

You know, I don't even hate "Marshall" all that much anymore. I still kinda do, but when I saw this, a part of me just felt, I don't know...sort of bad for him.

But not too bad to rip all over his ridiculous profile! HAHAHAHAHAHA!