Sunday, April 23, 2006

This dude loves me. Seriously, he totally said so.

Let me explain. After work on Friday afternoon I was trudging through downtown St. Paul on the way to my car (it's a long walk, but free parking is worth it). I was standing at an intersection waiting for the light to change, and some dude came by on a bike. He was sort of scruffy looking (see above) and had a black guitar case strapped to his back. He circled me a few times, stopped next to me a moment, and then took off. I was like, "okay, that was random." Then about 30 seconds later he rode by again, but this time as he passed me he murmured "I love you" and glanced over his shoulder to see if I'd heard before riding off into the sunset. I was a bit creeped out, as you can imagine, but also a little amused. The funniest part? It was totally the guy from Soundgarden, that grunge band from the nineties. I shit you not--it was totally him.

Now, setting aside the question of why the hell a famous singer was aimlessly biking his ass around downtown St. Paul last Friday (hey, people do a lot of weird things--maybe he was high?) I'd like to address a far more pressing issue here, which is (naturally), of all the rock stars in the world, why must it be the guy from Soundgarden who professes his love for me? I never listened to Soundgarden, even back in the day when grunge was everywhere and you couldn't escape it (and believe me, I tried). And although I don't really keep up with the current music that these crazy kids listen to nowadays, I am aware that Soundgarden doesn't exist anymore and the Soundgarden guy went on to form some other band with, like, a Stone Temple Pilot, one of the Wet Sprockets, and Ugly Kid Joe (or something like that), so apparently Soundgarden guy is still enjoying some success. Still though--why him? Seriously. If I were forced to make a list of all the rock stars I'd want publicly declaring their love for me, Soundgarden guy would probably be something like #1,278--right after Beck (who, for the record, I do like) and before Courtney Love.

I mean, not to harp on this or anything, but if it had to be a grunge rock star, why couldn't it be Eddie Vedder? I'm not a Pearl Jam fan, but the guy is the most shagworthy of all the blokes from that era (which isn't saying much). I remember the first time I saw Pearl Jam on MTV, I think it was the video for "Alive." To give you an idea of how little I understood the whole grunge phenomenon, I recall watching Eddie Vedder bounding across the stage and flipping his hair around, and I thought to myself, "I know Michael Hutchence. Michael Hutchence is a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Michael Hutchence." (I guess I thought he was aping Michael Hutchence, when in actuality he was just working the grunge thing). I didn't get it at all. I mean, I'm not saying grunge sucked or anything, it just wasn't for me. I like my rock stars glamorous, British, and a little gay (see also Taylor, John and Le Bon, Simon).

I don't know, I guess beggars can't be choosers. Maybe if the Soundgarden guy took a bath, got rid of the facial hair, put on something hot and faked a British accent, I could be persuaded.

Otherwise, it ain't happening.

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