Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Here we go, another thing I've stolen from Hotmail/MSN's thoroughly helpful and not at all condescending life-changing tips for you, for me, for all of us, so that we may improve our standing in society and be good citizens and bleh.

Anyway, without further ado...

10 Attitudes of Successful Workers

NOTE FROM ANDIE: See my comments in italics.

By Kate Lorenz, Editor

Why do some people seem to reach the top of the corporate ladder easily, while others remain stuck on the middle-management rung? You might think that it is just because those people have more of what it takes to succeed, like brains, talent and powerful people in their corner, and a nice set of calloused knees, which makes it easier to deliver a good old-fashioned ass-kissin'! But there is something else that is just as important: attitude. And a nice set of lips. You know, for butt-kissin'!

Dr. Martin Seligman, an authority on optimism, discovered that attitude was a better predictor of success than I.Q., education and most other factors. He found that positive people stay healthier, have better relationships and go further in their careers. And he even found that positive people make more money. Translation: When you're shoveling shit at your corporate McJob, make sure to keep a smile on your face.

Anyone can adopt the right attitude. No matter where you are from or how much innate talent you have, the right attitude can make a difference in your career. Try adopting these 10 attitudes of successful workers or just learn how to give a good blow job. That works just as well:

1. I am in charge of my destiny.
If you spend your entire career waiting for something exciting to come to you, you will be waiting a long time. Successful professionals go out and make good things happen or they marry into the right family. So commit yourself to thinking about your career in an entirely different way. You will make it to the top, and you are in charge of making it happen.

2. Anything is possible.
Think that there is no way you will ever be at the vice-president level? Then you definitely won't. Remember: If you think you can't, you probably won't. Adopt the attitude of The Little Engine That Could -- "I think I can." Or just blow your boss.

3. No task is too small to do well.
You never know when you are going to be noticed. That is one reason to take pride in your work -- all of it. One public relations executive in Chicago said that her first task in the PR department of a ballet company was reorganizing the supply closet. She tackled the project with gusto and was immediately noticed for her hard work and attention to detail. Remember this the next time you feel like slacking because you are working on a menial task like replacing the urinal cakes.

4. Everyone is a potential key contact.
While you do need to be aggressive in the workplace, you can also go far by being nice to those around you. Do you think it's unimportant to establish a good rapport with your boss's secretary? Well, just try getting your meeting squeezed onto the schedule when you really need it. Be courteous to those around you-- you never know when your past contacts will play a role in your future. And if all else fails, there's always blackmail.

5. I was made to do this job... and the one above me.
If you spend your days feeling like you are not cut out to do the work you are responsible for, your performance will suffer. Your job may not be the perfect fit, but successful workers act like they are in their dream job, no matter where they are. So shut up and work for that $5.75 an hour, dammit!

6. It's not just what I know, but who I blow.
Successful workers understand the importance of fulfilling the boss's sexual desires, both in and out of the office. You need to proactively establish professional contacts and invest in some sturdy knee pads. Invite a colleague out to lunch. Go to the after-work happy hour. Join your professional association. Or just offer the boss a hummer. Do your part to establish a networking path for your future.

7. What else can I do?
Since you are in charge of your destiny, it's your job to look for ways to improve your professional self. Volunteer to take on an extra project. Learn a new skill that will make you more marketable. Stay late to help your co-workers. Successful workers don't just complete the job and sign out -- they look for additional ways to make their mark or die trying.

8. Failure will help pave the way to my success.
While it seems like some people never experience setbacks, the truth is everyone fails from time to time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people is how they deal with failure and what kind of dirt they have on their superiors. Those who find success are the ones who learn from mistakes and move on.

9. I am my own biggest fan.
Have you been waiting for someone in the office to recognize your talents and efforts? Maybe it's time you start tooting your own horn. Step up and talk about your accomplishments and what you have done for the company. Successful workers know how to point out their achievements without sounding boastful. And while you're at it, give yourself a hand job.

10. My opportunity monitor is never turned off.
Yes, there will be days when you will want to just be happy with the status quo. But remember that successful workers are always on the lookout for opportunities to improve. Keep your eyes, ears and your mouth open to new opportunities -- you never know when you will discover the one that will change the course of your career! In conclusion, bite me.

Sorry for that last one, folks. I'm drunk and it's late.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Where's the Love?

The above link is from The Superficial, my new favorite website because it cracks me up. If you don't feel like clicking on it, here's the gist of the report: Basically, Jude Law, one of my favorite actors, is a giant manwhore. Check out this observation (again, from the above link):

"'s always difficult to film when you've got Jude Law running around the set with his pants down humping everybody he can get his hands on."

Now, that troubles me a bit. Not the assertion that Jude Law is a slut, although I think it's a bit unfair because all we know for sure is that he got caught boning his nanny last summer. (Well, not his nanny, his kids' nanny. Incidentally, can Jude Law have his own nanny? And if so, can I apply for that gig? I'd put in overtime, and I'd work for minimum wage.) But everyone has jumped on this (no pun intended) and now the big joke about Jude is that he'll hump anything. Again, unfair, because (to quote Dirk Diggler) we've all done things we're not proud of. But, I know--make your bed and lie in it, you play you pay, and blah blee bleh. If this is true (that he will and does bone anyone and everyone) that I am terribly troubled by this--for one reason: he hasn't got around to me yet.

And I'm a huge fan.

Exhibit A: I liked him when he really was Jude the Obscure, having seen and enjoyed his early work in I Love You, I Love You Not and Music From Another Room way, waaaay back in the day (like, 1997).

Exhibit B: I saw Alfie in the theatre (first run!) and LIKED it, unlike the snotty ass critics who panned the film and his performance. Hear that, Jude? I liked Alfie! I thought you were good. Good, dammit, good!

Exhibit C: At my Halloween party, I argued the case that Jude Law is way hotter than Orlando Bloom. I backed up my argument with some sound evidence ("Have you seen the previews for Alfie? Ever seen Music From Another Room?"), but wasn't able to sway the Orlando Bloom fans in attendance. (which, ick. Orlando is an okay actor, but he looks too much like Justin Timberlake--which is not a good thing. Also, do you like the deep intellectual debates I have at my parties?)

So Jude. Dude. Seriously. I'm not going to be young forever. If you're really as cavalier about spreading around your DNA as the gossip rags would have us believe, it's time to pay up. I'm not joking. You know where to find me.

And bring that chauffer's uniform you wore in Alfie. Rowr.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Being the 3rd day of the new year already, I realize that "Best of 2005" lists are already played. Still, I feel compelled to offer my version of events...

The Best Things That Happened In 2005

  1. The Duran Duran Concert! This was in March, (check the archive entry for pics), and it was awesome. It had been eighteen frickin' years since I had seen this band live, and although our reunion was long overdue, it was well worth the wait. I could not love this band more if I had created them with my own bare hands.
  2. Swimming With A Sea Turtle in Hawaii. This was awesome. The whole trip rocked, but my snorkeling excursion in the coral reef at Huanama Bay was the coolest thing ever. Swimming underwater alongside a giant sea turtle and literally hundreds of different types of fish and other marine life was truly surreal. It served to convince me, once and for all, that I need to live near an ocean at some point in my life--and definitely while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.
  3. June, July and August. Taking the summer off to write was one of the best things that I've ever done. I wasn't as productive as I should have been (I never think that I am), but I accomplished a great deal nonetheless, and (just as importantly) it gave me time to clear my head and take a few steps back from life--something that is always beneficial to us moody creative types.
  4. Expelling Michael from my life. Giving this jackass the boot was one of the greatest things I've ever done (you had to be there) and it was also--as the rest of the world can attest--long, long overdue. I'm awarding myself extra bonus points + a pat on the back for telling him to "have fun with (his) menopausal woman", and the postcard I sent him from Hawaii, which read "Have a nice life--too bad I wasted so much of mine on you! But I've seen the light. That old woman can have your weak ass. Aloha!" It was my finest hour thus far.
  5. Getting my pet psychic article accepted! The publication date has been pushed back to sometime after August 2006, but still. It's a beginning.
  6. The Finn Brothers concert. (My second time seeing them). Jet-setter that I am, I flew down to Indianapolis for the show and it was well worth the price of airfare. Marcus and I agree (check his blog) that it was the second best concert of the year (my 1st was D2, natch), and in my opinion better than the Guthrie show.
  7. (Nearly) quitting smoking. It's all about the baby steps, people. I'm almost there (knocks on wooden table).
  8. Getting laid. Sex is fun.
  9. Eight-mile bike rides. At one point I was doing this daily--no small feat for someone who hates exercise and sweating (I'm a bit of a girl about such things). One more awesome aspect of my 2005 Summer of Awesome.
  10. Another birthday. 32 is good.