"BREAKING: Female celebrity wears swimsuit
after expelling small human from her uterus!"

The current trend of "BODY AFTER BABY!" headlines that periodically scream at me from the covers of former guilty pleasures like People magazine and its bastard stepchild US make my brain poop. Feature stories like this are so prevalent I didn't have to dig deep to find examples like this: 

"My secret? Adderall and Ex-Lax! Carrot sticks and Pilates!"

And more recently, we have--ugh--Kim Kardashian (and/or her publicist) making sure we all know that she has shed every single ounce of her baby weight! And this is an important thing that people REALLY CARE ABOUT. 

The sad thing is, I'm not even being facetious. Since we live in a supply-and-demand kind of world--this is not only solid evidence of carbon based lifeforms demonstrating an intense interest in Photoshopped images of "stars" like Kim Kardashian, but also a perverse hunger for details of the strict amphetamine/colon cleansing regimen she employs to shed those pesky post-fetus pounds, along with the help of an assistant whose one and only job is to slap the occasional Pep-o-mint Lifesaver out of the "reality" star's hand should she feel the urge to splurge.

I don't mean to imply that Kardashian is anorexic or "Hollywood-skinny" (same diff, technically). After all, having pontoon floats inserted into her asscheeks and silicone bags in her chest insures that she can claim to be "curvy" and "real" and anyone who dares suggest that she's a vapid, no-talent waste of eyeliner who purposely turned herself into a creepy inflatable hip-hop-Barbie-doll-wet dream is just OMG so meeeeean you guys!!!!

"Dammit, I'm just as classy as Beyonce! Or at least Nicki Minaj!"

I'll end this post with two favorite quotes about the Kardashians (and celebrity idiocy in general): 

"Between the three of (the Kardashian sisters), they've brought the Armenian literacy rate down to 14 percent. If you handed them a stack of script pages, they'd probably ask you when they started making tampons that small." ---Internet humorist Seanbaby

"Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly."

----Jon Hamm, aka Don Draper (PREACH IT, BRUTHA!)