IN HONOR OF PRIDE MONTH:
TOM ROBINSON BAND

Tom Robinson Band is the best punk band most Yanks have never heard of. 

Their debut single, the radio-friendly "2-4-6-8 Motorway," peaked at number five on the UK charts in October 1977. This is their appearance on Top of the Pops that same year. 

Note the pink triangle badge on Tom Robinson's shirt. It was a brave statement in 1977, especially on a mainstream primetime show like TotP. But it wasn't just a statement of support for the gay community; it was a declaration of the singer's identity. As the narrator of the band's 1978 documentary quaintly puts it, Tom Robinson "freely admits he is homosexual."  

TRB's next single, "Glad to be Gay," peaked at number 18 in the UK. Wikipedia says the song has been called "Britain's national gay anthem," which is funny because I don't think it's what millennial and Gen Z kids would consider an anthem. The song is slow, acerbic, and angry--not the kind of feel-good "YAAAS QUEEN" sort of thing you get nowadays with Sam Smith and Lizzo--but it only makes it that much more powerful. Would the irony-deficient youngsters of today agree? 

But their best song, "Power in the Darkness," goes even further. In the documentary (posted below, see part 3 for this particular clip) there is an epic live performance of this track:

Power in the darkness
Frightening lies from the other side
Power in the darkness
Stand up and fight for your rights 

Freedom, we're talking 'bout your freedom
Freedom to choose what you do with your body
Freedom to believe what you like
Freedom for brothers to love one another
Freedom for black and white
Freedom from harassment, intimidation
Freedom for the mother and wife
Freedom from Big Brother's interrogation
Freedom to live your own life, I'm talking 'bout 

Power in the darkness
Frightening lies from the other side
Power in the darkness
Stand up and fight for your rights

At this point in the song, Tom "interrupts" Danny Kustow's guitar solo and approaches the mic, having donned a tweed sport coat and a large rubber nose. Now the nose might look problematic these days with its antisemitic connotations and all, but it's soon clear that the singer is mocking toffee-nosed conservative types who were then (and now) railing against gays, immigrants, people of color, the poor, and basically anyone outside the mainstream, while extolling the virtues of traditional morals, law and order, Christian values, et cetera. (SOUND FAMILIAR?!)

"Shut up! Stop this bloody noise at once! Good grief, I said shut up, you bunch of long-haired hippie communist perverts! This noise level in this hall is unacceptably loud, these damn speaker things. We've been measuring them with a decibel meter; you young people will be deaf by the time you're 30. (crowd cheers) The Oxford Distressed Gentlefolks Association, just over the road, has been severely upset by the vase vibrating on the mantelpiece. (crowd cheers) Shut up! Have you no respect for your elders and betters anymore? Be quiet. Good grief, look at you. I thought Oxford was the seat of learning. Look like you could do with a good bath, some of you. Do you mean to say you paid money to come and listen to this drivel? Good God. 

"What we need to do is see a return to the traditional British values. Bring back the cane at the grammar schools. Church on Sundays. A spell in the army would do you all a lot of good. National Service. We need to see a return to discipline, obedience, morality, virtue, and freedom."

And the song continues.... 

What we want is
Freedom from the reds and the blacks and the criminals
Prostitutes, pansies and punks
Football hooligans, juvenile delinquents
Lesbians and left wing scum
Freedom from the n------ and the P---- and the unions
Freedom from the Gypsies and the Jews
Freedom from longhaired layabouts and students
Freedom from the likes of you (whips off rubber nose) ....and me

Power in the darkness
Frightening lies from the other side
Power in the darkness
Stand up and fight for your rights

The entire documentary runs about 45 minutes and is broken up into four parts on YouTube. I highly recommend it. 

FIGHT FASCISM!

TOTS AND PEARS, RUSH! 

Well, we all learned a valuable lesson last week when Kobe Bryant decided he was too important to drive in LA traffic: if a rich male celebrity of a certain caliber buys the farm in a "tragic" manner, the great unwashed are absolutely not to bring up details that paint a less than saintly picture of the recently deceased. I mean seriously people, have you no decency? THE MAN HAD DAUGHTERS FOR FUCK SAKE!!! THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!!! 

So I'll go ahead and say this now instead of later: Rush Limbaugh is a rancid piece of shit. See, he's still alive, so I can say that. 

I never listened to Rush Limbaugh, but I know enough about his type of "humor." Here's a little taste. 

WARNING: the following footage features acres of horrific early 90's hair, JC Penney Botany 500 suits, and the fugliest ties you ever did see. Viewer discretion is advised.

I won't talk about Rush Limbaugh calling 12-year-old Chelsea Clinton a dog, because everybody already knows about that. And you probably also know how he referred to Michelle Obama as "Moo-chelle," and Barack as "the Magical Negro," and how hilarious he thought it was when someone famous died of AIDS, playing Dionne Warwick's "I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again," when announcing the news of their deaths? Yes? And I personally give a whole SHITLOAD of credence to the rumor that Rush is a closeted queen, a rumor that has been around so long that I think it can safely be called an open secret by now. And don't even try to argue that he can't be gay, because no gay man would have such execrable taste in interior design and this monstrosity PROVES that he's straight because no, that's a fallacy. There are gay men with bad taste. I'm from the Midwest, I know. They exist. Loudly and proudly. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And I don't believe that Elton John* playing at Rush's last wedding is proof that Rush is gay, any more than I believe that Rush marrying a woman proves that he's straight. You feel me? It's all just hearsay. But when those sort of rumors come out about a hypocritical Oxy-snorting right-wing radio hack who goes out of his way to mock and demean the LGBT community, well then.......you know. It gives one pause.

*Note: Elton John playing Rush's wedding is also not proof that Elton is friendly with Rush or that he condones Rush's nasty homophobic rhetoric. What it does mean is that Rush paid Elton John a million dollars to perform at his wedding, and also that Elton John is a whore. (C'mon now I like Elton, but seriously. Does he really need money that badly?) 

So then, FORGIVE ME PLEASE if I can't muster up any sympathy for Rush Limbaugh. I'm SO FUCKING SORRY, but I just can't. Maybe you can. If so, good for you. 

Lastly, you know the best thing about Malaria presenting Rush Limbaugh with the Presidential Medal of Freedom?

Save your prayers, asshole. God don't want 'em.   

That it was completely overshadowed by this event:

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On a related note, does this mean that the Democratic party is finally growing a pair? Dare I dream? 

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UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGH..... 

THIS BITCH

Yes, I know, the real problem is her Antichrist husband. And yes, I'm also aware that between Damien and his boss Cheeto von Trumpsky, we'd be better off with Damien because at least he's less likely start a nuclear war when some "furriner" on Twitter insults his fat orange ass one time too many. (Just to make it perfectly clear, the idea that Mike Pence is preferable to anyone--even a walking scrotum like Donald Trump--hurts my head so goddamn much I can barely force my fingers to type out that execrable thought.) 

Back to my original point: Karen Pence is a homophobic, pig-ignorant, small-minded, Bible-humping bigot. I know, most people with a functioning cerebral cortex realize that. But have they read this gem of a letter she wrote to The Indianapolis Star in 1991? Probably not, since the Washington Post puff piece about our dear second lady linked to an image from newspapers.com, which requires Hawkeye-level vision to read the flyspeck-sized print. Lucky for you--after an hour of pressing my face to the laptop screen, then holding it at arms-length and squinting, then pressing my face to the screen again, ad nauseum--I was able to decipher the damn thing and have transcribed it here in all its glory: 

As an elementary school teacher,* I was disappointed in your July 29 Children’s Express. I have always participated in your Newspapers in Education program and encouraged my pupils to read Children’s Express.

After seeing a whole page encouraging young people to accept their homosexuality I have decided no longer to use the Indianapolis Star to teach newspaper education.

Your implication that an 11 year old having a crush on a teacher of the same sex means that child is gay or lesbian is absurd. Every child at some point in grade school has a teacher he or she admires or looks up to. Your story also unfortunately encourages children to think they’re gay or lesbian if they have a close relationship with a child of the same sex. No wonder our youth are confused.

I only pray that most parents were able to intercept your article before their children were encouraged to call the Gay/Lesbian Youth Hotline, which encourages them to “accept their homosexuality” instead of reassuring them they are not.

Karen Pence
Indianapolis 

At this risk of repeating myself.....ugh, THIS BITCH.

"Oh noes, we can't have young people who are experiencing same-sex attraction be allowed to think that their feelings are acceptable in any way, shape, or form, or that they are anything other than filthy hell-bound perverts if their sexuality leans towards something other than the Jesus-approved 'Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve' variety. And furthermore, what business do they have acknowledging sexual feelings of any kind before marriage, anyway? HEATHENS!"

The fact that Karen Pence wrote a letter criticizing one of the most conservative, right-leaning newspapers in the country for (essentially) being "too liberal" on their stance of "teh homosex" is so absurd I don't even know where to begin. I mean, I grew up in Indianapolis. I know the politics of The Star (back in 1991 it was known as The Star and News, because people still read newspapers and the industry could support a morning and an evening publication, which seems like an alien concept today) and am quite familiar with the political climate of my hometown, especially in the pre-Clinton, George Bush Sr. years. Still, it illustrates how out-of-step this Pence bitch was (and still is), that The Indianapolis fucking Star had a more socially liberal posture than the future first couple of Indiana and future (gag) second couple of the United States.

I know that the Pences, like good little Christian fundies, fulfilled their biological purpose and spawned some children (Wikipedia says it was three--a son and two daughters). Is it dickish of me to hope that one of them turns out to be totally, unapologetically, outspokenly GAY? I don't think so. I really, really, really hope that happens. And not so the Pences can be shamed into disowning the kid. I'm talking about a "come-to-Jesus" (heh) awakening on LGBT issues, like the turnaround Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney did when he reversed his stance on gay marriage because of his lesbian daughter Mary. (That happened well after he left office, but still.) I'm going to do a Frau Pence and "pray" for that kind of a miracle.

In the meantime, this is for Karen......

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Looks like these kids might have read that Children's Express piece that got Karen's panties in such a wad, hmmmm?

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*Incidentally, while perusing Karen Pence's wikipedia page, I discovered a little factoid that nearly stopped my heart cold. Apparently, she taught at John Strange Elementary, my alma mater. I'm not sure when she was employed there, but I'm guessing it was long after my time (I was a student from 1979-1985). Still, that makes me several degrees closer to her than I'd ever choose to be.  

IN MEMORY OF THE VICTIMS

It's weird how the public, the media, and most of the free world seem to have just "discovered" that bullying--particularly the bullying of LGBT youths--is a problem. Bullying has been around for thousands upon thousands of years: at least since ruthless, insecure assholes became bipeds, and perhaps even before. It's always been a problem, it's always sucked, and it's always been minimized or virtually ignored by most school officials and other adults in positions of authority over children.

The rash of recent suicides of kids who were bullied relentlessly for being gay or "perceived" as being gay is truly horrifying; it is equally horrifying to realize that their tormentors, in part because of their status as minors, will likely face zero consequences for their actions, despite the fact that they were at least partially responsible for another person's death. Another sickening thought? As of this writing, Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei--the gruesome twosome who secretly recorded and publicly outed Rutgers student Tyler Clementi--haven't even been expelled for the crimes they committed. I sincerely hope that they do hard time for this, instead of a light tap on the wrist and some bullshit probation and/or community service.

Along with other measures, like teaching--actually, make that ENFORCING tolerance in schools (policing and punishing children who engage in ANY sort of bullying behavior, etc.)--I would like to posit that we use a little creativity in making examples of nasty little bullies like the ones mentioned above. Below are two of my best ideas.

Yes, I am totally going to go there.

1.) "The Running of the Bullies"

Round up a healthy cross-section of bullies from schoolyards across the country, (including the tormentors of Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Seth Walsh, and other evil little fascists who've caused needless pain and misery to their peers). Rescue all the bulls used in the cruel annual Pamplona "festival." Turn the bullies loose on a city street (any city with narrow, treacherous roads will do). Give them a 20 second headstart. Release the bulls. Watch the fun!

Bonus idea: Line the streets with a healthy cross-section of bullying victims from across the country. Give the victims bags of fresh bull manure to hurl at the fleeing bullies, thus giving the bullies a taste of their own bullshit--literally! True poetic justice.

*Note: The bulls will then be taken to live out the rest of their years in a cow sanctuary. Any surviving bullies will be sent off to work camps to live out the rest of their years.

2.) For Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei

Strip them both naked and stick them in a dank prison cell. Force them to have awkward sex with one another and broadcast it live on pay-per-view. Donate the pay-per-view proceeds to GLAAD.

Afterwards, just keep them in the prison cell (but sterilize them both, so they don't breed any noxious offspring).

If you have any suggestions about creative ways to punish bullies, send them to daizycakes at gmail dot com.