BAD REVIEWS CAN BE FUN!

Although I've written a few of my own bad reviews on this very blog, I've never gone to a site like Yelp and ripped a business or its employees for sucking. Not that I've never experienced poor customer service, because--duh--of course I have. Everyone has. But I've never been sufficiently pissed off (or impressed) enough to actually go and set up a profile on a business review site just to voice my opinions about a restaurant or a shop or a library or whatever. 

That said, I've come across some online reviews that are pretty damn funny. The best ones, naturally, are the ones that aren't meant to be funny, written by people who are all puffed up with self-righteous indignation because the Applebee's waitress screwed up their order and there was fucking cheese on their chili cheese fries when they specifically told her NO CHEESE ("and I'm lactose intolerant, goddammit! I was on the toilet for five hours!") and they've included a lot of !!!1! and typos and misspelled words to help illustrate their point. You know. Those kind of reviews. They're a hoot. 

I was searching online, trying to remember the location of a post office that's close-ish to our house, when I ran across some amusing Google reviews. 

Yes, Google reviews. For a post office. 

Um...okay?

There were eight reviews listed, all of them dismal, and the star of these reviews was a mysterious, cranky postal worker named David.* Here's what some of the reviewers had to say (typos and misspellings left in for comic effect. My thoughts are in blue):

Truly the worse experience at any post office ever. David was rude, arrogant, unkind and unwilling to fix the situation. He would not even give me my mail back until I had to demand it back. Absolutely terrible customer service skills.

Wow. How bad to you have to be to provide the "worse experience at any post office ever"? I'm not even being facetious. I mean, that's bad. And are we to believe that this David dude got pissy and snatched her mail away from her, holding it hostage like a giant toddler? Did he also threaten to hold his breath until his face turned blue? That's....pretty funny. And entertaining for the other customers, I would think. 

"There is a USPS employee that is unbearable. His name is David. I've personally called customer service to leave a few complaints about his services. I'm European, and I don't know if he has something against my country but he doesn't treat me well. He won't accept my packages, or he'll try to charge me double to send them. I've to leave the office and go to the one in downtown, where I don't have any problem sending the packages regular rate. And last time he lied to me and told me that the rules had changed and prices were different. I called to confirm and USPS told me, after being on the line 56 minutes that prices haven't changed at all and I was in my right to send flat rate my package without any problems. Share your comments, maybe this man needs to change jobs." 

Well, I've encountered some annoying Europeans in my day. Americans don't have the monopoly on obnoxious public behavior. It just seems like we do. Maybe she was giving David some European-y attitude and he wasn't having it. Still though, sounds like old Dave might have some issues. 

Then it gets weirder. This reviewer seems to have studied writing at the James Frey school of Random capitalization. He also apparently composed the following while in the midst of a stroke. Either that, or he types with his feet:

The Business I own, with the hard work of our employees is all about provided the finest products and services via utilizing and implementing the best products we can find. GIGO, as the phrase goes. Here at Trik Production Company we Adobe Mater Suite design tools, Google for our Search engine AdWare and analytics, and old Microsoft for enterprise Organization. We make great e-Brand solutions because we pay good dollars for Top Tier Vendors, and most of all for tier 1 talent. This is the Point. You have bad USPS here with some looser named David that apparently didn't get a Pony when he was six. Now, do the right thing; Set David free to wander the landscape and find his Pony for Christ Sake. We have work to do. FYI, we are going to UPS down the...

And then he just trails off! Dude, don't leave us hanging! What the hell happened? Did David follow this guy home, sneak up behind him while he was writing this review, and pop a cap in his ass, Tupac style? If so, I'm sure David took umbrage with the notion that he was disgruntled because he never got his "Pony" when he was six. I have to say though, the image of a pissed off postal worker wandering the Nevada desert "landscape" in his little cap and postal worker shorts is sorta funny. Dumb, but funny.

I've saved my favorite review for last. This one proves that the best statements are often simple, short, and concise. No need for a gratuitous plug of your Trik Production Company. No call to show off your fancy European book-learnin.' Waste of time.

This review is from a person named Xisadz (?) who uses an anime character for an avatar. It sums up everyone's feelings in just five words:

I hate that bastard David.

Brilliant, Xisadz. You win. 

* "David? That's a Biblical name. What does he call you, Bathsheba?" (I never get tired of that line. It's from Annie Hall, my favorite movie ever.)

Aw, an old boyfriend of mine had this t-shirt back in the 90's.
Ironically, he had the patience of a saint.

     

Rewind

Another REWIND! This time from 2009. I miss the Twin Cities. And I still stand behind all of these reviews.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

A review of stuff I hate vs. stuff I love...

The Suck It List

Stella’s Fish Café
I can’t get past the name. I don’t know who Stella is, but I know that the words “Fish” and “Café” don’t belong together. It brings to mind fish-flavored coffee, which, ew. Plus, it’s not even a café, just another restaurant/bar, like a pretentious Old Chicago. With fish.

Chino Latino
I refuse to be swayed by the cheeky billboard ads and the glittery sign. Too loud, too yuppified, and the food is crap.

Paisano’s Pizzaria (St. Paul)
This place is utter crap. Mediocre food, messy dining room, excruciatingly horrible service. You’re better off staying home, heating up a frozen grocery store pizza and eating in front of the teevee.

Sawatdee
Two words: food poisoning. Five more: dine at your own risk.

The Salon For You
I used to live above this place when I lived in St. Paul. I decided to check it out, and left with a fabulous haircut that I was extremely happy with, along with some funky reddish/pink highlights. Two months later I went back looking for the same stylist. She no longer worked there, they told me, but the owner of the salon was available to do my hair. I felt like I was in good hands—after all, if she’s the owner, she has to know what she’s doing, right? Wrong. She refused to do highlights because some weeks before I had experimented with a temporary color rinse and she said she wouldn’t color over that “as a matter of principle.” (?) Then, she proceeded to give me the worst haircut I’ve ever had in my life, and that’s saying something (I came up in the eighties, remember?) She just took the scissors, gave me a blunt cut straight across the ends, and she was done. It looked so horrible that I had to scrape together some more money and go find somewhere to get it fixed. Happily, I ended up with Mackenzie at Hair Police (see below). Her take on my botched ‘do? “Holy crap, this looks like it was done by someone who’s never cut hair before!” Thank God for Hair Police.

American Apparel
I understand that they’re famous for making their clothes in the USA by non-sweatshop labor, so good for them. But do their all-American, non-sweatshop workers have to make such fugly clothing? I mean, I don’t want my clothes made in Laos by a barefoot 9-year-old, but I do want clothes that are attractive and wearable. (Seriously, who buys this crap?)

Skintight shiny spandex? Really?

Ragstock
There was a time when nearly every scrap of my wardrobe came from Ragstock. Their clothing and accessories were quirky, functional, and reasonably-priced. Unfortunately, they have since gone straight down the crapper. I think they changed clothing suppliers or something, because they’re stuff has taken a sharp nosedive quality-wise; cheap-looking clothes that are more expensive than the lines they used to carry. And most of the clothing doesn’t even come in larger sizes—if you’re above a size 8, you’re shit out of luck. Also? Rude, unhelpful staff. (Oh Ragstock, why hast thou forsaken me?)

Luvs It

Dulano’s
Live bluegrass every Saturday night, plus damn good pizza. You can’t go wrong. Bring a date here and they’ll think you’re offbeat and original for discovering it. You’re welcome.

Nina’s Coffee Café (St. Paul)
My original St. Paul hangout, located directly across the street from my first Twin Cities apartment. Great coffee, great atmosphere, and a fabulous place to hunker down and get some writing done. I’ve seen Garrison Keillor there twice! (He owns the bookstore down below Nina’s—Common Good Books.)

Buffalo Exchange
Since Ragstock has fallen out of favor, Buffalo Exchange has picked up the slack. I love this store. Fantastic clothes, shoes, and accessories, all reasonably priced. It’s all thrift/resale, but the staff are fairly picky about what they buy and they always have a good selection of clothes that tend towards the “gently-used” rather than simply “used.”

Eye of Horus
Yeah, I’m a bit of a hippie—you got a problem with that? Didn’t think so. Even for a non-hippie, this is a cool store. It has a wide selection of candles, essential oils, and incense—stuff anyone could use, right?—along with tarot cards, crystals, runes, and mojo bags, for those of us with more esoteric needs. All this, plus a friendly and knowledgeable staff.

Nicollett Village Video
Who needs a Netflix subscription? I’d rather support independently-owned video stores like this one. Village Video has nearly every movie category imaginable, including a wide range of foreign and cult films you can’t find anywhere else. They also have a huge “Brit Vid” section, featuring shows like Spaced, The Tomorrow People (remember that one, fellow Gen-Xers?) and Not the Nine-o’Clock News. It rocks. Hard.

Hair Police
As long as I live in the Twin Cities, I will never go anywhere else to have my hair done.

 Ms Sparrow said...

Thanks for sharing all your hard-won experience and advice on great places to avoid. I've never eaten at Sawatee, and I hope I never will.

I've never heard of most of the Brit TV shows you mention. I don't even watch the Eastenders, but I love "Keeping Up Appearances" and "Mr Bean" always makes me laugh--except not in his movies.

7:42 AM

 

Pattie, Eric, Siobhan, Shakespear's Sister and Marcy Levy/Marcella Detroit

I just finished Wonderful Tonight (the first book I downloaded on my new Kindle...thanks honey!). It's Pattie Boy's memoir, chronicling her childhood in Kenya, her time as a model in "Swinging Sixties" London, and--of course--her marriages to George Harrison and Eric Clapton. It's a well-written and enjoyable read, especially if you find showbiz memoirs as addictive as I do. By the way, between the two men (Harrison and Clapton), I'd totally choose George--although according to her book he wasn't exactly a prince either.

Inspired by Boyd's memoir, I started searching out old Harrison and Clapton tracks. I've always liked George Harrison's work, both Beatles and solo, but my absolute favorite is the underrated "All Those Years Ago" (BRILLIANT track!). Finding Eric Clapton songs that I'm passionate about is a bit more difficult. He's a great guitarist but something about his music always seemed dull and workmanlike to me. To date, I've only really liked two of his singles: "It's In the Way That You Use It" (or "the Color of Money song"), and "Promises."

Although "Promises" is fairly morose, I've always loved the female backup singer on that song. Something about her voice when she kicks in those vocals, "How could we know that promises end?" always gets to me. I got curious to know who that singer was, thinking that it was probably someone famous from back in the day (Linda Ronstadt?). An internet search turned up the name Marcy Levy, although it's unclear if she's actually the one who sings that line on "Promises", as Yvonne Elliman is also listed as the background vocalist on that song.

Regardless of her part on "Promises," Marcy Levy (a.k.a. Marcella Detroit) is pretty damn fabulous. I found her website, which is where I learned that she was "the other girl" in Shakespear's (sic) Sister with Siobhan from Bananarama! So cool, because I adored the song "You're History," when it was on heavy rotation on MTV back in late '89. (Ah, sophomore year of high school. I remember it like it was yesterday....)

The duo had a bigger hit with "Stay" from the summer of '92. I was just sort of "meh" on that one, but the goofy-ass video for it is a scream!

So there you have it, a totally random (re)discovery. Also? I am now the proud owner of a shitload of Shakespear's Sister mp3's.

Thanks, Pattie Boyd!

One-Word Movie Reviews

Pressed for time? Check out these reviews of films I've seen over the past year or so. The good, the bad, and the stinky.

Into Temptation: Heartbreaking

Adam: Sweet



The Room: Transformative

Paranormal Activity: FUUUUCK!

Get Him to the Greek: Fun

Pirate Radio: Disappointing



Avatar: Blue

500 Days of Summer: True



Transformers 2: Retch

Twilight: What?

Twilight: New Moon: Seriously?

Pimpin' my new piece for Praxis! Preview below, then follow the link to your heart's content.

8 Rules For Romantic Comedies
by Andie Ryan

Character Names

It is important that the two leads have charming, bite-sized first names. Acceptable names for male protagonists are Jack, Sam, and Max. These names work regardless of the character's age, personality, or profession. The rules for naming female characters are a bit more complicated. Is she quirky? Go with something cute like Lucy or Annie. Is she edgy? Go with a unisex moniker like Alex or Jesse. Is she hilariously old-fashioned? Go with a traditional name like Sarah or Kate.
Read the rest here.