Friday, March 19, 2004

There's this guy I work with. I'll just call him Pree-vert, to protect his privacy. (I know it's spelled and pronounced pervert, but pree-vert sounds funnier). I call him that because he's the office pree-vert. There's usually one in every office. Sometimes they are amusing. Sometimes they are offensive. Sometimes they are just sad. Pree-vert fits into that last category. He just ran in here brandishing a can of whipped cream. I'm serious. He was in the kitchen (you have to pass my desk to go into the kitchen) and I heard him let out a cry of delight. After a few moments, he trotted out to my desk with the aforementioned can o' cream.

"Who brought the whipped cream?" he asked excitedly.

"Uh, I think it's left over from the caterers yesterday. From dessert." I answered.

"That's great!" said Pree-vert.

"Yeah, you can put some on your coffee and pretend you're at Starbucks," I replied, refusing to play his sexual innuendo game.

"Well, I can think of some better things to do with it, but I won't go there," he said, as he turned and headed back to the kitchen.

Okay, a little background on Pree-vert. He's around 45, recently divorced, and, (I suspect), lonely. So I do feel sorry for him. It's hard not to. All that aside though, he's a dick. An inappropriate dick. He's made numerous sexual comments to certain women (and men) around the office. He's been written up three different times for sexual harrassment. And he hasn't been fired, which I find mystifying. (I heard someone defend him once by saying, "But he's good at what he does," like that excuses everything. And I don't even know what it is he "does," besides wander around the workplace making bad sex jokes and rude comments. I think he's in good with Bossman, which says a lot about both of them). And he's a massive dork, to boot. I don't have anything against dorks, really. Sometimes I like dorks. But this guy is a DORK. He complained to me once that Minneapolis was "too liberal." Now what kind of a dork complains that a city is too liberal? Even people who aren't liberal usually don't complain about a place being too liberal. Whatever, hombre.

There's also another guy here who we'll call Troll. He works out of the office most of the time, but once a week or so he'll come in here just to annoy me. He has a Porsche. Don't ask him about it. Don't comment on it. Don't even look at it. If you do, you'll get stuck talking to him for an hour. And he'll go apeshit if you pronounce it "Porsh." It's "POR-shah." Two syllables. As in Di Rossi. And don't you forget it!

I use Troll to illustrate my point that as bad as Pree-vert is, there's someone even worse. And that would be Troll. Troll has it in his head that Pree-vert is gay. You see, there was an incident where Pree-vert grabbed another guy's butt. Here at the office. He did it jokingly. But still. It was creepy. And the butt-grabee did not appreciate it. So news of the butt grabbing spread around the office, as it tends to do, thus leading Troll to believe that Pree-vert is gay. Not only does he suspect that Pree-vert is gay, but that Pree-vert (for some UNGODLY reason), wants him. To which I say, come the fuck ON! Troll looks like a troll. He is short. He is squat. He is butt-ugly. And most importantly, he is unbearably obnoxious. I don't care how many POR-shahs he buys. The dude ain't getting any. Not from men, women, or anything in between. So why the hell would he assume that Pree-vert (if he is gay, which I don't think he is. I think he's just desperate, and has no concept of socially appropriate behavior) would want HIM, of all people?

See what I'm dealing with, here?

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