Thursday, May 26, 2005

Okay, this pisses me off severely.

First of all, thanks CBS, Mark Burnett, et. al. for crapping all over the memory of Michael Hutchence. Second, while I understand that the other members of the group want to move on and continue making music as INXS and the whole show-must-go-on thing--(it's not their fault that the guy killed himself, after all)--they're really ripping off their fans by turning this into an American Idol-type thing. I mean, WTF? Like there are not plenty of talented and worthy Australian vocalists who would have given their left nut to join INXS without selling their souls to "compete" in some degrading publicity-stunt to line the pockets of some network execs. And what about the vocalists that the band was courting? What happened to the guy from Midnight Oil? I mean, he's an Aussie, he's a songwriter, he has stage presence, and he can sing (sort of). Okay, he doesn't have the awesome Michael Hutchence hair, but really, who does?

Monday, May 23, 2005

According to this '80s nostalgia test, this is me:

Johnny #5
You scored 100 nostalgia points!
You cling and clang, but get things done. Things may not always work out, and hey, you don't always fit in. But when you're just so cute and charming, everyone still loves ya! Perhaps you may surprise us all with an act of heroism when we least suspect it.

Source: The '80s movie quiz for children of the '80s

Monday, May 16, 2005

Today, since I don't have time to write anything original (pesky job duties getting in the way), I'll just paste something in that was recently emailed to me. My friend Jason sent me these--I don't know if these were works that were actually published or just culled from the internet. At any rate, they are all fabulously bad. My favorite is the gay daredevil who "eats" danger for breakfast. Yeah!

He heard a bang, well not really a bang but more of a crash with metallic overtones of platinum-encrusted steel alloys, hammering against unyielding iron and iridium plates; or maybe it was the clash of huge nickel-zinc rods hitting molybdenum fused sheets of tantalum, then he felt a stab of pain and heard another bang, and wished, instead of using his extensive metallurgy skills to try and analyze the sound, he would have run like hell when he first saw the gun pointed at him.

The day was packing heat and cracking wise as the scorching sun torched the hot dry Santa Anas like fry on rice, crispy with a snap, crackle and pop, and poured into the surreal bowl of the Los Angeles Basin as the red winds rattled every dwelling from Bay City bungalow to Bel Air chateau like a china shop in a bullring, the whole stinking, teeming tinderbox as combustible as a drill sergeant at clown college, as unsettling as corn on the cob rationing at an Iowa Society picnic.

As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long," to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight, too, San Jose?

She was so delicate that her voice was a mere whisper and her hair drooped in thinly clumped strands around her pale face with skin as milky as a china plate painted the starkest white glaze and fired in a kiln over 940 degrees Fahrenheit.

The first time a boy stuck his tongue in her mouth, Jenny surrendered completely to the invigorating intermingling of their spit -- not the Polidential spit of old age, nor the salivary excretions of middle-age, with its tart hints of gingivitis even among those who floss daily, but the invigorating drool of youth--spittle that dazzled the uninitiated with its exquisite hints of promise, innocence, and bygone braces.

After putting down her hometown newspaper from a small community in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (which makes one wonder why it is the Upper Peninsula of Michigan since no part of their land touches the lower portion of the state and in actuality they are connected to Wisconsin which makes you think they should be the Upper Peninsula of Wisconsin but that is to be discussed another day), Linda needed to find a sympathy card to send to the family of someone she saw in the obituaries.

Maynard Fimble was told that "you can't compare apples and oranges," but, he thought, they are both eatable, grow on trees, are about the same size, are good for you, have a peel, come in many varieties, and are approximately round in shape, thus, to his horror and guilt, he realized that he was comparing them and wondered what punishment awaited him and on whose order.

Keith's popularity as the first openly gay daredevil was rising quickly; in fact, it was said he ate danger for breakfast, followed by a light brunch of lemon scones, quiche, and the occasional Mimosa, and then he was back to eating danger.

It was a dark and stormy night, not so dark that one couldn't see a hungry Wallaby in a patch of wild gooseberries at fifty paces, nor stormy enough that a severe weather watch had been issued by the National Weather Services Department, but a dark and stormy night nevertheless.

Their eyes met across the crowded room and Morag smiled the smile of a single, endearingly clumsy thirtysomething female with an unfulfilling career, a gay best friend, a weakness for chocolate, and a talent for accessorizing who had found Mr. Right but needed to break-up and have fantastic make-up sex with him a couple of times before finally realizing he was the one.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Jane Fonda, why hast thou forsaken us?

So much for her status as a feminist icon. Not to be ironically sexist about the whole thing, but she was married to Ted Turner, so this can't be about needing the money. Even more depressing than the fact that she's starring in a generic Jennifer Lopez komedy (is there any other kind?) is the revelation that Meet the Fockers was the highest grossing comedy of all time. That can't be right, can it? Holy Christ, it's the End Times.

Monday, May 02, 2005

More L Word Observations...

Jenny: I'm starting to like her. She's definitely neurotic (bordering on batshit crazy), and that's made her more likeable IMHO. I also like how she's grown a spine since last season and she's not acting like a complete doormat. I LOVED how she mindfucked Shane and Carmen on the cruise. That totally rocked. And last night she was pretty cool too, although I'm sensing some weird vibes between her and Camera Boy. She better not do him. (While I'm at it, what's the deal with him stripping naked and yet not showing his pee wee? If you're gonna get him naked, show some dick. Not that I'm dying to see what he has to offer; it's just the principal of the thing). And in the beginning of last night's ep when she was cutting up pictures and muttering in Hebrew, I actually knew what she was saying, which was a little scary (I've been at this job too long) but I was able to impress everyone with my knowlege. I love it when I have the opportunity to appear smart. Doesn't happen too often, y'all.

Shane: Her hair still looks like she stuck her head in a lawnmower. Grow that shit out, girl. Also, I'm not liking this whole "softer side of Shane" theme that they're exploring this season. She was more fun when she didn't give a rat's ass. And of all the people for her to "fall" for, why Carmen? Yeah, she's pretty, but she has no discernible personality and she's incredibly lame. I've also noticed that she seems to be the only deejay in Los Angeles, because wherever the group turns up (nightclub, bachlorette party, art gallery opening, whatever) Carmen is the deejay. That's just lazy writing.

Helena: Jesus, make her go away.

Alice: She gets more awesome with every episode. Definitely the best actress of the bunch.

Dana: She's okay--not as cool as Alice. I'm having an easier time buying them as a couple, though.

Bette: They haven't given her much to do lately. She needs to get over her daddy issues.

Kit: I don't understand what she is doing on the show. Her character serves no purpose. None. Her storylines go absolutely nowhere, and she's boring as hell.

Carmen: She sucks (see above).

Tina: She's cool. Also a character who has developed more this season.

I can't believe the season is almost over already! There have been a lot of cast changes, but not a lot has happened (compared to Season 1). The sucky part is, after May 15 I have to wait til next Feb. for new episodes, which blows.