Saturday, December 16, 2006

So, I saw Apocalypto the other day. I'll forgo a real review in favor of an open letter to Mel Gibson:

Dear Mel,
  1. Hearts being ripped out for human sacrifices? And the dec(r)apitations that followed? And every entrail-ripping, blood-spurting, intestine-exposing death/mutilation that occured before and after that? To paraphrase esteemed film critic Tom Servo, I don't need to see every part of the human body--I can trust it's all there.
  2. Funny how, in true Hollywood tradition, the homely members of the tribe were killed off immediately, and the photogenic ones (of course) were damn near invincible.
  3. I wasn't aware that the sun made a whooshing sound during an eclipse. Then again, I never was good at all that science-y stuff.
  4. I remember when you were still Australian. What happened to that? It made you cuter and sort of cool, a la The Year of Living Dangerously. (oh, who am I kidding, I'd still have sex with the Aussie bastard).
  5. White man's arrival = Doomsday? That was a pretty cool message. The rest of the film I could have done without.

Thank you for your time.



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