Thursday, November 21, 2013

An oldie but goodie....taken from the archives. Not my archives, but the archives of Capnwacky's Zonar. You may remember my Capnwacky-related post from last Easter.


Zonar reports on Thanksgiving

The following text is a report I have written up on the human holiday Thanksgiving to send to the Superion High Command. I repost it on this blog so that you humans may enjoy my insights on your culture:


This week hails the holiday of Thanksgiving for humans living in the Earth country called The United States of America. Being a American-created holiday, it focuses on American's favorite activities. First, there is a day of eating, followed by a day of shopping. Also, apparently there is some football watching, though my observances are inconclusive if this is part of the holiday traditions or merely normal everyday behavior that continued during the holiday.

Colonists, fattening their prey.

The first day of Thanksgiving celebrates the day American colonists arrived from the old world* and ate all the native Americans. To commemorate this day of conquest, humans gather together with their family members and eat large, cooked birds (symbolizing the "Indians"). Also, there is pie.

Following the day of consumption, the second day of Thanksgiving is focused on purchasing consumable goods from chain stores. This is apparently a contest among the Americans to see who can purchase as many items as possible in a single day (I am inferring this, as I see no other reason for the frenzy given that these consumable goods are available both before and after day two of Thanksgiving, and purchasing them on any other day would be a simpler and more comfortable experience). Predominantly the female American humans take part in this contest, and must survive through rounds of driving very early in the morning, finding a parking spot, and the traditional running of the fat ladies. It appears to be a grueling, dangerous experience. Fortunately, they have loaded up on carbohydrates the day before.

Eager combatants outside of the arena.

When a winner of the competition is selected, the surviving female combatants return home to divide up the remaining piles of food and retain the remaining piles of resentment. Everyone hates themselves for ingesting so much on Day 1 and prepares to repeat their mistakes throughout the following holiday season.

*not literally another world, but merely another country on the same world. "The Old World" is merely a term used by humans, indicating their dim view of the universe and how it works.


Ms Sparrow said...

You are spot on there! I am proudly above the shopping bit, however. I have never shopped on Black Friday and if all goes well, I never will.

Anonymous said...

K-Mart, Target, Macys, Kohl's & JC Penney's are open on thanksgiving for the Love of all that is holy about any holiday please don't shop these stores, the people don't get any time to enjoy Thanksgiving and it is the first night of Hanukkah, I have never shopped a holiday and the day after is just messed up for all the people who have to work and the prices are not good anyways..greed is not a good thing!

andiepants said...

My grandmother was head cashier at Renberg's, a Tulsa department store. I remember her mentioning one year (sometime in the eighties) that she wasn't looking forward to going into work the day after Thanksgiving, because it was the biggest shopping day of the year.

Even back then, I don't think they had a fraction of the massive crowds that turn up on "Black Friday" now. A good friend of mine was a Target cashier from 2009-2012, and she had to go in at 11:30pm on Thanksgiving Day to work on Black Friday until noon. That's what really pisses me off, taking a whole holiday away from retail workers. Black Friday is evil!

Anonymous said...

Here in the 'couv Vancouver wa there is a movement not to shop any store open on turkey day or the day after, sounds pretty darned good to me..If you cannot get your turkey and fixings and Hanukkah stuff the other 364 days then skip the holiday, the hunger is atrocious here, we have over 200 days of rather cold, cloudy and raining weather, many are unemployed and hungry, go to the places that box, and feed many and you will have a good year and karma to last you a lifetime..why select two days of the year or the 8 days of Hanukkah evenings to be nice to others, how ridiculous..I won't be going to any of those stores opened on turkey/Hanukkah and the day after..I don't need material possessions to define myself or my hubby for that your blog..ciao !!!!!!!!!!!!

andiepants said...

I fully support the 'no shopping on Black Friday' movement. I hope it spreads. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas shopping, I just don't see why it all needs to be done on that ONE day. It's ridiculous.

Seriously, what is the appeal of getting up at 2am to stand outside some "big box" store with hordes of pushy, overly-caffeinated people so you can get in there at 5am and buy the same crap that's available every other day of the year?

I've gotten to the point where I just do most of my Christmas shopping online anyway. I get most of my gifts from The Animal Rescue Site--their online store carries EVERY kind of gift you can think of (clothing, jewelry, accessories, housewares, etc.) and the profits go to animal shelters across the country. It's much more satisfying to know that my hard-earned dollars are going to an organization that does good work, especially around the holidays.