Thursday, May 25, 2006

I was flipping through the channels the other day and I happened to catch the most disturbing program ever. It was on the E! Channel (surprise, surprise). It was called The Girls Next Door, and it was an "expose" on Hugh Hefner and his current stable of girlfriends. Actually, it was the E! True Hollywood Story (ugh) on the E! Channel's reality series The Girls Next Door, so it was an E! Channel expose on a TV show produced by the E! Channel. So this shocking "expose" was basically a long commercial for the channel's own damn show. Clever.

So Hugh Hefner is like 80 years old and he has seven girlfriends, all in their 20's (although one is 18, I think. Feeling queasy yet?) I only caught the last half of the special, thank Godfully, and these were the highlights:

  • The "head" (hee!) girlfriend, (who is a dead-eyed, dead-faced, dead ringer for Pamela Anderson) gave just about the creepiest interview ever. She was positioned in front of this cheesey backdrop with a streaming water fountain thing that totally looked like a Fanta-Suite hotel room, sitting sort of cross-legged on the floor and BOLT upright-- she was like one of those poseable figurine dolls with the wires up the back that make them sit up straight. Her face was all frozen and expressionless as she spoke earnestly about her role as the alpha female of Hef's harem. (I think that's what she was talking about. I was too distracted by her weird botulistic face to pay much attention to what she was saying).
  • The clip they showed from an episode of TGND, where one of the younger girlfriends was wigging out because she had a Playboy photo shoot scheduled at the same time as one of her finals (she was a college student, apparently). The girl was seriously losing her shit over this and ended up all huddled up in a fetal position on the stairs of the Playboy mansion because she was afraid of missing this "big opportunity" (the photo shoot) because of her final exam. I was thinking, honey--you're Hef's girlfriend. It's not like you can't pull some strings (gross!) and get the photo shoot rescheduled. Not exactly a Rhodes Scholar, that one....
  • There was a shocking revelation (made by the alpha Pam Anderson girlfriend, I think), that some of Hef's past girlfriends have been (gasp!) "gold diggers," and she is relieved that they are now gone. Yeah. Like her silliconed tits and ass would be humping all over that 80-year-old man if he were just your average Joe Shmoe in the street (or in the nursing home, in this case). Riiiiiight. Tell me another one, Botox Girl.
  • There was an interview with one of Hef's kids, who looked to be about 14 or 15 years old. He was saying that although he has "other goals," his big dream is to one day take over Dad's business and to help run the Playboy Empire. Um, kid? You're Hef's son. Isn't it pretty much a given that you'll be running things when the old man finally kicks off? It's not like a big fantastic pie-in-the-sky dream or anything. Either that kid is stunningly un-ambitious, or dumb as a chimp. I can't decide which.
  • The end of the show featured a parade of bimbos vouching for Hef's sexual prowess, lest any of us think the man is all talk, no cock. And seriously? I could have happily lived out the rest of my days on God's green earth without knowing about that, thank you. The capper was an interview with the real Pamela Anderson, who relayed a story about being at a Playboy Mansion party and walking in on Hef and a half-dozen of his sluts du jour going at it on his gigantic bed. She actually looked pretty shell-shocked (I mean, more than usual) as she described how she was just transfixed by the whole scene, and suddenly she felt she was being "sucked" closer and closer to the bed. ("Sucked"? Whoa, I really don't want to know anything about that). She claims she ended up "freaking out" and running from the room, (which, if that's really what happened she has more sense than I would have thought). Then she had to go and gross me out all over again by declaring that she "loves" Hef and intends to have sex with him on his 90th birthday to prove it.

And that's when I "freaked out" and ran out of the room to go scrub myself with anti-bacterial soap. Ugh.

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