Saturday, June 27, 2009

And they say all the good ones are taken...

I can't stop giggling about this.

It was posted on two days ago, just hours before the news of Michael Jackson's death broke. Gawker routinely posts oddball findings from the internet. I don't know who has the time or inclination to dig these people up, but I gotta hand it to them--this one's a doozy. Single ladies, take note! Mark is a high school physics teacher looking for love. Are you the Goddess he seeks?

Here are some of the attributes his Goddess is required to possess (see my comments in italics):

3.2. Body:
She is extremely attractive. She's HOT. She turns heads wherever she goes.
She is sexy. VERY sexy.
She is beautifully dressed and beautifully groomed.
"Beautifully groomed" makes me think of one of those long-haired purse dogs all done up in pink ribbons and bows.
She has a trim waistline. Alternatively, if her waistline is ALMOST (but not quite) trim, she is willing to trim it down for me and keep it trim for me. No exceptions
So basically what he is saying is, "No Fat Chicks."
She has excellent posture.
Is he going to test her by making her balance a book on her head? My mom used to do that to me. (My posture still sucks).
Her hair is her own and at least TO HER SHOULDERS.
Notice how he is adamant that her hair be "her own." Beyonce is going to be crushed.
Alternatively, she is willing to grow her hair long for me and keep it long for me. No exceptions.
I love how the two things he is absolutely unwilling to bend on are her waistline and the length of her hair. Deep.
Her voice is not low or raspy. (Alto is fine; baritone is not.)
This is the biggest WTF? right here. Baritone? Is it even possible for a woman to have a baritone voice (without some serious hormonal injections)?
She is in excellent health, although she may have some minor health issues she is working on.
Which minor health issues are acceptable? Piles? Flatulence? HPV?
She is tobacco free and drug free. She is either alcohol free or nearly so.
Well, that leaves me out.

In addition to being a high school physics teacher, Mark is an entreprenuer. He has a Global Vision (always capitalized) that involves some sort of software that promises to revolutionize the computer industry, bringing LIGHT (LIGHT is always in ALL CAPS) to the world. His description of the whole thing is pretty damn vague; a combination of corporate managerial doublespeak and New Age dreck that made my head hurt. He is very clear, however, that he stands to become a billionaire:

....marriage includes financial and legal dimensions, and the complexities of my Global Vision will necessitate a pre-nuptial agreement. I will be generous, giving the Goddess I seek 100% legal control over an appropriate portion of the anticipated wealth.

Yes, she may be a Goddess, but she still gots to sign a prenup! But she will have control of an "appropriate portion" of his money. (What is an "appropriate portion", anyhoo?)

Here are Mark's thoughts on chivalry:
I am intensely chivalrous, and, if you date me, you are required to respond to my chivalry as a LADY. You are the GIRL. Chivalry is about you allowing me to HONOR the girl in you. This means you let ME walk on the street side of the sidewalk, and you let ME open all doors for you (including when you are exiting from my car). It means you let ME decide where I would like to take you (e.g. what restaurant, what concert, what hotel, etc.), and when I tell you where I would like to take you, you tell me your FEELINGS with the understanding that if I sense that you are uncomfortable or disappointed with my offer, then I will change it because my goal is to make you HAPPY. It means that when I offer you flowers and gifts, you accept them graciously.... you should have empty vases in your home. It means that you let ME pay for everything on our dates, even if you have a lot more money than I do. It means if we are at a restaurant and I am hungry and you are busy talking, that when our food finally arrives you realize that YOU must take the first bite, and by ignoring your food as you keep yacking away you are making me starve!

Can he be any more of a control freak? Also, "yacking away as you are making me starve"? Nice.

And--you know it!--he has an extensive list of qualifications for his Goddess's sexuality.

3.6. Sexuality:
She believes in the light-filled MAGIC of sacred sex. She wants to utilize this magic to manifest our Global Vision. She realizes that her sacred sexual union with me is crucial for manifesting the Global Vision.
She is free from all physical and emotional impediments to the complete expression of her sexuality.

And are you ready for this? Cause it's hilarious:

If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!! We can discuss it at length. I have written a book (not yet published) entitled, Resurrecting the Innocence in Prostitutes. Fascinating topic! And it's an important part of my Global Vision.

His vague Global Vision includes resurrecting the innocence of prostitutes? How exactly does he do this? (Actually, I don't think I want to know...)

And more about sexuality, because he goes on and on and on about it:

She intensely longs to be worshipped as a Goddess by the right man... a man who knows EXACTLY what he is doing. He teases her hard and relentlessly, which makes her laugh uncontrollably. (He already makes me laugh uncontrollably, so that's believable). The sound of his voice, his words, his appearance, the way he looks at her, his powerful mind, his radiant heart, his intense sexuality, his confidence, his poise, and his very presence.... weaken her knees, fill her stomach with butterflies, send shivers up her spine, make her heart pound, overwhelm her with desire, and make her VERY wet. She cannot help but surrender herself to him, melting naked into his arms, whereupon he worships her as a Goddess.... he is the priest, she is his altar. She becomes the Goddess he is worshipping... she is elevated into extreme Goddess-ecstasy.... exploding and screaming!.... so many times you lose count.
The lady I seek somehow KNOWS deep down inside that if she surrenders herself to the right man and is worshipped by him as a Goddess in just the right way, she can move mountains.... she can move the whole world! She WANTS to make this sexual magic happen and to bless the world with the resulting miracles.

He also claims to be a tantra master (see below). For the record, I had a brief involvement some time ago with a guy who also claimed to be tantric (sadly, it wasn't Sting). The guy was seriously one of the worst lays ever. Ladies, take heed if a guy tells you he is into tantra. It is a complete and utter bullshit line frequently used by middle-aged white guys who are fundamentally insecure about their sexual prowess. But I'm not bitter.

Some of his sexual claims:
Extremely passionate tantra master who does not ejaculate (except on rare occasions). Stays fully hard through multiple male orgasms without ejaculating.
Yeah, one word: VIAGARA
Can and will genuinely DELIVER (orgasms) so many times you lose count.
Vasectomy (but I can have it reversed).
100% straight (i.e. heterosexual).

Not to be nit-picky, but I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be "100% straight," according to Dr. Kinsey's scale, anyway. But I'm just an unenlightened mere mortal. What do I know?

I am looking for a balanced woman who has the courage to unite with an extremely strong man and dance this exquisite Love Dance with him. I am looking for a woman who will LET her man LIFT her into extreme ecstasy.... FOR LIFE.

If you are looking to do a little Love Dancing with a controlling, narcissistic hippie, (or if you're just in the mood for a good laugh), Mark's website is here.



Anonymous said...

Just found your blog today, am totally enjoying it. Simon Reid is a douchbag, and this Mark guy is a total freak.
I'm actually going to download his "first two chapters free" because it should be a fun (read: hilarious) thing to read.

andiepants said...

You MUST spill details about the first two chapters of this dude's book. I'm guessing it's hilarious, albeit unintentionally.

Thanks for reading!